Am I the only one who gets freaked out reading all these posts?

[heathee12]

I feel like the more that I read about what may or may not happen the more freaked out I get, which I don't think is going to help anyone.  Also, the more I read the more uncertain that I feel because while I was excited that I get to go see my bf in 19 days for PIR I am almost pissed reading more about the fact that he could be anywhere for who knows how long.  I guess this is the reality of this?  Today is my SR;s 34th birthday and the prospect of not really seeing again in any permanent way isn't making me feel so pumped right now (though i just keep on writing super supportive letters).  I thought that I was doing really well and now it all seems really overwhelming.  We talked about me moving to where he gets stationed after A school but what if he gets deployed?  Does the wishlist of places mean anything?  Any thoughts/advice - he is going to be a yeoman. 

[Anti M]

Once he gets through school, he'll get a set of PCS orders.  Those are usually for three years.  His chances of deploying are pretty good, he is a sailor and sailors go to sea.  Every ship has yeomen aboard.  

Ah, the dream sheet.  Honestly?  Straight out of A school, it doesn't have as much weight as it used to.  Good practice if he re-enlists and is up for orders after his first command.  

As for living with him after A school, well, he won't get a housing allowance until he is an E-5.  That can take time.  Living off base before then will be 100% out of pocket.

Married sailors do get a housing allowance.  There's a reason you see a lot of courthouse weddings discussed here.  It is a discussion worth having. Being a GF leaves you out of the loop in many ways, especially if he gets hurt or sick. You would have zero access to the base to see him, and no rights to talk to his doctors. You couldn't even pick him up from work if he had shore duty.   Find the GF vs. Wife discussion and read it over.  You may not need "that piece of paper", but the Navy does.  I don't know if you've considered marriage, but you should know what it provides in not only benefits, but privileges.  

[heathee12]

I think I am more upset that when we talked about things (i.e what we might want to do) it doesn't really seem like what we thought were options really are  - so maybe in a way I am annoyed that he didn't look into all of this a little further before he left.  I am wondering what is going to happen and I can't talk to him about any of this -which makes it that much harder.  I understand that this is how things are, but for someone who has no knowledge of the military and who doesn't know one person who is in the military I am sure you can see why this all seems a little overwhelming.  that doesn't mean that I haven't dealt with hardships before but none on them were self-imposed.  Maybe I sound like a jerk, but I'm not - this is new and I don't think that he had all the correct information, which now really isn't relevant and maybe this isn't even rational but it is bothering me.  From what he told me his position is as a yeoman and he would be full time support staff for the NAVY reserves - who knows if that is correct|could change.  Now I just keep thinking that I will see him on the 30th and that will be it for who knows how long.  Not really what I want.  All of this said I love him with all my heart and am just not excited about the prospect about not really being able to see him very often - that is what this boils down too.  I want to make plans with someone who can't make plans and that sucks.  I am trying to make the best out of this, but it isn't easy. 

[nightingale cvn72]

Your not the only one who feels uneasy reading certain posts. But like you said, it's the reality. Just keep reminding yourself why its worth it. :) My husband graduates on the 30th so I'm in the same boat at the moment. And his birthday is on the 24th. The only thing that keeps me feeling pumped at all is my count down until I can see him again. Anti M is right, it is likely hes going to be deployed shortly after he finishes Aschool. But it is all worth it and you just have to keep reminding yourself of it. Things will get easier :) 

[heathee12]

Thanks for writing what you did.  It is really hard, but I do think the relationship is worth it - just all this time apart stinks.  I have written him everyday since he has been at bootcamp and I get super psyched to get my letters from him on Thursdays, but this is really hard.  I am excited to see him on the 30th even if it is only for a few hours...I am sure you are too! I guess when I see that people are married it seems a little more secure.  I ran a half marathon on his birthday yesterday - that was amazing - best part of my day!!! My bday was also this past week so it was hard not having him around to celebrate with. 

[meagan5220]

I know its hard.. but this is the military life.. its full of what ifs, unknowns, unexpected, and the unwanted. The life is hard I am not gonna deny it.. but its something that can be done. thousands of girls are doing it everyday. If he gets deployed you can do what most wives do... choose to stay there or choose to move home. Some stay bc they have jobs. lives, routines, kids, stuff that must stay the same. Others go back home and spend time with family if even for a month or so. I agree with Anti M that being married gives you a lot of privelages and benefits that otherwise you will not get. Not saying to rush anything but if you are going to do it anyways its worth it to get it done early.

 

Deployments are going to be a fact of life with military. Whether you are married or not, whether you move or not. I moved to be with my husband for about 6 months and he was only there for about 3. I just needed to spend some time with him before he deployed. Also deployments are crazy, and unpredicable. My husbands 5 month "world tour" with 8-11 port visits quickly became an 8-10 month deployment with very few port visits. Its always going to be the needs of the Navy first. Its going to suck and its going to throw a kink in your plans more than once.

 

But you will learn ways to cope with him being gone, you will learn how to get the information you need, you will learn how to take these kinds of announcements in stride as best as possible. The best thing I have ever been told to get me through this lifestyle is when you hear a piece of bad news, give it time to sink in, think about it, let it build up a little, then just let it out! Cry, yell, vent. Then get up wipe your eyes and keep trucking. If you dwell on the negative aspects of this lifestyle you will quickly find them and they will consume you. If you focus on the positives then you will certainly find them as well. One thing I can say is NEVER in a million years did I ever think an email would be the most precious gift I could recieve. There are so many other benefits and positives. So when I start having doubts and fears I always take a hot shower, sit on the floor of the tub, let it all out, and all the negative washes down the drain and I leave it there. I am left refreshed and ready to focus on trucking through the rest of the day.  I hope tomorrow is a better day! YAY for getting to see him soooo soon! I am beyond jealous but beyond excited for you at the same time!

[heathee12]

Thanks Meagan! I at least feel like you all understand and I appreciate you writing.  I cant even imagine being apart for almost a year and I guess that is why I am freaking out a bit - isn't that normal?  It seems like you have found a way to deal with being separated.  I know that I need to be supportive of what he is doing because this is what he wants to do.  I have had alot of support in my own life and been able to accomplish things that other people haven't and I am grateful for all those opportunities and for the support of my family and friends.  But now I feel like all of this puts me in a different place because I don't know anyone who had gone through this and my friends don't really understand.  Is this something to bring up in letters or just keep it positive, focus on the time we do have together and then deal with what I am thinking on my own?  I don't want any of this to have a negative impact on our relationship because it is good (minus the whole not being able to talk right now). 

[Anti M]

You can communicate about how you feel, but the negative feelings are best done face to face, verbally, where you can both see each other's body language.  Not at first though, being apart and then together creates a new dynamic. You don't want you reunion to be loaded with complaints and fears.    And yes, there will be times when you just suck it up and keep on moving.  You'll learn the balancing act.  And yes, it is worth it.  Hang in there.

The first two years of my marriage, I saw my husband a total of 28 days, and that was after months of separation before we got engaged.  We were both active duty, which is both easier (we were busy) and harder (could never just take off to visit).  However, I'd been born and raised in a Navy family, I was used to being apart from loved ones, Dad was deployed a LOT.  Didn't mean it sucked less, simply that I was equipped to see it as normal.

You will find support here, you're right, it is tough when no one understands.

[heathee12]

Yeah i see what you are saying. Sometimes I have trouble not saying what is on my mind, but it will probably benefit me in more ways than one to learn how to censor that with the people that I love.  I obviously have much more time to think about all of this then he does right now.  our first goal was to just get through bootcamp - which we almost have so that is a good thing. 

I can't imagine how you made and make your marriage work - but you do! what made you get over being discouraged?  I have never been in a long distance relationship and grew up with lots of stability (which I am sure can come in many different forms in varying situations).  I have alot of support from my family and friends but it is different then this.  I am not really sure how to explain it.  I am not one to shy away from a challenge, but just didn't see how this would affect me before. 

[Anti M]

One thing I have learned is that he is always in my heart, no matter how much distance and time is between us.  I'd rather have the bad days and the good days than none at all.  

We trust each other 100%, so there is no worry about us finding another person.  Then again, we've been married 25 years now.  He works as a trucker now, so I still have alone days.  It actually works, we honeymoon a lot, and he isn't here every day for me to take him for granted.  I never have time to get irked by his little faults!  

[heathee12]

i love that you say that he is in your heart...I keep writing that in all my letters (because that is exactly how I feel).  Just hearing that things can work is hopeful - i know that there is a reality to that and you must have gone through a huge amount together over the years.  My parents were married for over 20 years before my father passed away and they had a tremendous amount of love for each other so I know that it can happen.  When I think about it I would rather miss him then not be with him at all.  Before he left whenever you would annoy me (which wasn't often) I would think when he isn't here you are going to miss this - and I do - everything!

[meagan5220]

Oh yea its completely normal :) I have my days when I just think what in the world did I get myself into? Why am I doing this? Why cant I just have a normal life and do what I want when I want how I want? and those are usually my break down days. I think that two events in my life have shaped my outlook on this life and living with a positive view. One of my best friends died at the age of 18. I had randomly called him the night before needing help after not speaking for 4 months he dropped everything and came to help me. then my little sister suffered a horrible accident that almost took her life at the age of 12. Even though its hard... beyond hard some days I cannot allow myself to live in a state of self pity and complain every day (not saying you are by any means. but I see it ALOT!) I know some wives that EVERY day is some complaint about how their life is miserable and how horrible it is that their husband is gone.

 

Its hard to find people that truly understand what we go through. obviously my situation is different than yours but you and I still can relate better than me and someone who has never dealt with a military relationship.

 

I would agree with Anti M. its not something to bring up in letters. Bootcamp is really hard and even conveying emotions is hard through writing.. well conveying them correctly. If I am having a hard time I might write up an email just let it all out then save it. Or when he was in bootcamp I would write those letters just not send them. When I saw him for bootcamp at first we didnt talk about it. but we had some alone time and we just sat down and sort of talked about things. At that point we werent married, but we knew we would be and we discussed how that would effect my life and what changes and stuff I would have to make to be with him. I would say dont try and deal with it on your own entirely. I will think about it all by myself maybe iron out some plans and various ideas then discuss with him what he thinks. I still make my own decisions for my life always but we always discuss it together. When he gets to A school communication can become a little easier because they usually can have a cell phone. That helps a lot!

 

I also have to agree with Anti M... staying busy helps sooo much! I have a to do list that is a mile long of stuff I need to do before this deployment is over, I have two dogs, I am looking for a job, moving in a day, looking at grad schools and getting bills and whatnot set up. and thats just this week lol... and when I say busy I tell my friends.. not just normal busy... beyond busy busy!! lol

 

My Dad was also gone a lot when I was little, over 9 months out of the year growing up. So I too had some experience with that before he joined.

PS sorry this is long and rambling lol I enjoy having people to talk to lol

[heathee12]

Thank you for taking the time to write and share what your experience is.  It does make me feel better that I am not the only person who is feeling what I am.  I know that at the core there is a huge amount of love and that is the reason that drives all of this or else I wouldn't care - but i do.  I will definitely take your advice and keep PIR happy and about celebrating this accomplishment.  I do hope that we have some time alone. 

Meagan - i hear what you are saying about not letting this take over and being positive.  I really do try to keep going and overall I think that I am doing well.  I work a 40+ hour a week job, just showed my artwork in a gallery, am training for a marathon in may (and have an amazing niece and new nephew) so most of the time I am OK (and busy busy;)  I actually stick to a pretty strict schedule.  Before my boyfriend left I had never been as happy as I was and I miss him and that (though I know that I need to adjust to what is now).  I miss his company, sense of humor and calmness.  I am proud of him for doing this and for doing this now (he and I are both 34), but that said I am also sort of set where I am right now so the prospect of maybe moving or whatever is scary - that is the truth of this.  While my bf is starting his career again I have a really great job - that took me a long time to get to. I spent a number of years commuting and not really having much down time to work on my art (and many many nights running in the dark to get my runs in). 

Is your husband away now?  Is your support system mostly other wives or do you talk to other friends about how you are feeling?  What are you thinking about going to grad school for? Sorry so many questions;) When did you and your husband get married?