Rushing ?

[NavyDoll Ebony]

Me and my sailor have been together 1yr&3months now. I truely love him and has been sticking by his side thus far with this whole navy experience. I know he really loves me and we talk about marriage often. He has been in San Diego for about a month now and when we talk over the phone he brings up the fact that he wants to get married and wants me to be the mother of his children. I love hearing talk like this because it makes me feel secure about plans for our future. He will be leaving on a deployment today and we talked lastnite for a very long time. He said that he has had this on his mind for a lng time and has prayed about it. He said when he gets back home he wants to marry me. Now this wasnt an engagement or anything, He just put it out there that its what he wants to do. I was in total shock because a little while ago he said that we should wait awhile and things change a lot in the navy so he doesn't really know. But the thing is im 19 and he will be 20 next month. I just want to know if by him saying this are we rushing things. Because im only in my 1st yr at community college and in hopes of transferring to a university. But i love him very much and i just dont know what i should do if he pops the question. i know i want to make a name for myself and not just be a wife who lives off my man. What should i do????

[Anti M]

You can be married and still go to school.  There are a number of fine universities in SD, crowded though, nothing says you can't transfer to a community college there (I went to Mesa College for courses, lots of military dependents go there).   Nothing says you have to have kids right off the bat, there's a reason God invented birth control.  Being married does not mean staying at home and not improving yourself.  

In fact, it is a little insulting to working wives or wives who are finishing their degrees to say they are "living off their man".  Marriage is so much more than that.  Maybe you aren't ready if you can't see past stereotypical roles.  

Perhaps you should ask for an engagement while you both define your wants and needs in the relationship. There's a lot of good pre-marital counseling out there, offered by the Navy and in community courses.  You don't even need to go together.  It could make your relationship that much stronger.

[NavyDoll Ebony]

Thanks ! And i dont mean to offend any one .

[Anti M]

I didn't think you did.  I'm pretty outspoken, so sometimes I upset people myself!

[Illinibeam13]

my advice... you need to wait till he is done with deployment. Things change in that amount of time. you could find someone else, he could.. you just never know. Don't make any plans until that is actually an option. 

My sailor left last may for a 7 month deployment, we both talked about engagement and because of the fact I didn't see him any time even before he left we didn't actually "get" engaged. I knew he was the one, and so I treated his deployment as such. I was 20 at the time, he was just barely 19. I was also a sophomore at a BIG TEN college and had plenty on my plate to begin with. 

Without giving details, we broke up in September, he was too young, and his first real taste of any kind of freedom, he enjoyed deployment immensely and kind of wanted to see what else was out there, in all terms of the word. We continued to talk the rest of his deployment till december, and he has remained my best friend. I never wanted to be married, never wanted a "label" on a relationship, and since then have been able to return to my original ways of thinking. He is not my boyfriend, but we have no label on our relationship, I am committed to him, and he to me, because we want to, not because a title says we should. Its the best we have been in many years... and I am so thankful every day that we "broke" up.I am now finishing college at the UNIVERSITY of ILLINOIS one whole year early and attending grad school in the fall to receive my Masters and then PhD in public health. I have also applied to be a dual major and hope to attend law school as well. My plans at the beginning of this school year was finish the year, move to his duty station and get married. I didn't really have any plans after that. I got a slap in the face, I have always been a determined person and VERY independent, but I got sucked into him and into the  military. He will now be finished in a couple of years from the NAVY and plans on moving to where I am in grad school to pursue his undergrad while he is in the reserves. 

That being said, I am NOT against marriage! That is for some people, not for others, my point being... it's so far away that I don't think you need to worry about it, especially since you do not have the "RING". enjoy college, and TRY to enjoy his deployment, its hard, sometimes it goes fast, sometimes a day feels like a week. But with almost 2/3 of a year that a deployment takes  you have no idea what could happen in that time... or what could change. If you are meant to be, you are menat to be and one day will end up together, whatever that may mean for the two of you. 

I think to have a happy life especially together, you need to think of you first! You need to finish your education, make sure that if something ever happens to him, or your no longer with him you have a way to support yourself.. and you are doing something with your life more than just being his wife, or the mother to his children ( not that isn't a wonderful thing to be, I can't wait to be a mommy) just as soon as he is out and I have a job a couple of years, I am only 21, he is 20. There are colleges and universities in areas around bases, universities and community colleges, so you could go there and do your education AND be with him.. but I think it makes it harder, harder to concentrate on your own life, when your there helping take care of him ;)

Sorry for rambling, I am a writer when I get started... enjoy your life while your young, if your meant to be he will still want to "marry" you when you have your own education, degree and job as well. :)

Best of LUCK! deployments are hard, this site is great to get through everything and these ladies are wonderful for anything you need :)

Abbie.

[abuon18]

In the end you just have to do what feels right to you. Honestly, the reason he changed his mind is probably because in the military if you know you want to get married there's no reason to wait. The benefits are really great for a spouse, he will get to live off base with you and get BAH and if you love each other and know you want to get married, why wait?

 

That being said, if you have reasons for wanting to wait, like the fact that you want to be a little older, then that's okay too. I don't think you'd necessarily be rushing things if you were to get married when he came back from deployement. How long is his deployment? You'll probably be pretty close to 2 years together by the time he gets back, right?

 

It also depends on what kind of wedding you want. Do you want to wait and try and plan your big wedding or are you okay with something smaller? If you want a big wedding with all your family and friends, by the time he gets back from deployment and actually proposes and you start planning that it can be up to another year, or longer, before you're married.

 

Like Anti M said there is no reason why you can't continue school while you're married. In fact, there are some scholarships available for military spouses. I think they are private scholarships so you'd have to look for them. But I live in San Diego, and there are plenty of schools out here. Universities AND community colleges.

 

Also, I work full-time, 50+ hours a week and make more money than my husband. So there is no reason that just because you're a militay wife you're also expected to be a housewife.

 

There is no reason you can't accomplish what you want with your life AND be married to the man you love. You always have to compromise in a relationship, but you really should never have to sacrifice the things that are most important to you, like finishing school and working. You CAN do it!

[NavyDoll Ebony]

Thank you. And his deployment isnt that long (about 3months). If he asks, we will most likely just be engaged until we can sit down and plan everything out. We are both super close to ours families and i know for sure we want them to be there. Also i want a military wedding :) Are you a Navy Wife? If so for how long and what are the pros and cons? I really took your advice to heart(it was well said) Even if i do get married young, that wont stop me from accomplishing my goals :) Thanks again abuon18 !

[abuon18]

You're welcome. Nothing wrong with a long engagement while you figure out the wedding you want either... This is the kind of situation where you can listen to the advice of others but in the end you'll know what is right for you. And it would be completely wrong for you to feel rushed in getting married or regret not having the wedding of your dreams! You have the man of your dreams... you deserve the wedding of your dreams  too! ;)

 

I am a Navy wife, newly though. We got married in December after being together for a year and 3 months (like you!) Although we are little older than you.... He was 24 and I was 23 (we're both 24 now), and literally moved across the country, from Fl to San Diego 4 days later! When I got out here, I was faced with a lot of decisions to make about what I wanted to do. We're not ready for kids yet... I wanted to do something with my time though. I considered going back to school, or volunteering, did I want to work part-time or full-time? In the end it all works out. Just don't ever make a decision because you feel pressured to do so. If your boyfriend is ready to get married, he should also be able to understand if you need more time. Open lines of communication is the most important part of a military relationship. Since there are times you'll have limited or no communication (as you're about to find out!) the times when you can talk are crucial. Don't be shy!

 

As far as pros/cons, every relationship has pros and cons. With military the big pros are the benefitss, and the cons are the deployments, the moving, and last minute plan changes. At the same time, moving is something I consider a benefit because I've never lived in one place for more than a few years anyway and I've always wanted to move to California! I enjoy moving and exploring new places and get bored too easily if I'm stuck in the same city for too long! :) But the benefit of getting to spend the rest of my life with the person I love, my best friend, and rock far outweigh any cons. We could all choose to marry or date civilians but you will never be as happy as you will be with the person you truly love.

[sailorwifenmom]

Just because  you love someone doesn't mean that you are ready to get married.  And you have to make sure that the reasons you want to get married are the right reasons, and that you both have an idea of what you're getting into, especially in the military world as a Navy family.

When I say things like "get married earlier in their A school", it's when the couple is saying that this is absolutely what they want - they want to be married, they feel they are ready to be married, and they are going to take this step, the question is whether they do a big wedding in, say, June, when the Sailor graduates from school or is transferring / and on leave, or whether they do a smaller wedding in, say, March, while the Sailor is still at their school or at their current duty station.  The reason is so they can transfer with them, be on orders, etc - it makes for less paperwork and headache in the long run.  BUT - it's when they are already getting married.

If your Sailor isn't transferring soon, if he is, but you all are ok with the distance (I don't know how close you are to where he is now, so you might already be doing the long distance thing), and if you aren't really sure you're ready to get married, then I would suggest you wait.

After all, you're not sure, taking that extra time could save a lot of heart and head aches in the long run - in fact, it could be the difference between a happy marriage and a divorce - let the relationship finish growing until you are both ready.

There's nothing wrong with telling him that you love him, but you aren't ready to take that kind of step.  If he loves you, and if this is the right thing for you all in the long run, he will understand that. 

I do want to add though that even if you don't have a paying job, that doesn't mean that you're just "living off your man".  I got out of the Navy to be a SAHM.  My husband supports me financially, but I support him in many ways, too, and in a lot of ways, me NOT working outside the home has been able to make it easier for us (we don't have to worry about whether I can get time off when he has leave, or the stress of living without a paycheck we were used to when we transfer and I'm out of work, etc), and I do a lot of volunteer work that contributes to our community and to our kids.  There's more to marriage than who pays what bill :-)  Also, just because someone isn't employed now, doesn't mean they are unemployable or uneducated ;-)   (I'm not offended, just mentioning it, because there are a lot of stay at home spouses in the military world and not all of them have the mooch approach to things, and if you do get married, you could inadvertently offend someone saying that.)