Sailors being bad influence?

[tori&tyler]

     My sailor and I have been together for 3 years now. We have been pretty happy together and were planning a future together. I currently live in WA. He is in SC. A little while ago he asked me if I would move to SC and marry him. I wanted to really badly but was worried about leaving my alcoholic parents. He was hurt I wouldn't do it I could tell and ended up shutting down. He spent more time with friends in A School and they all convinced him he should just leave me.

     He did and now they are telling him to ignore me and do all this stuff. I, of course was torn apart. I am  working on the situation with my parents and am getting help with it. Just hoping he will see my effort and come back.

             I guess I was just wondering if there were any one else out there who had a similar situation?

             

[tori&tyler]

Yes. But due to the fact that I couldn't plan a wedding and move and try to find a new job and find somewhere to live while all this happens plus the fact that I have insane drunk parents that might get killed here I said lets wait a bit. I told him yes.

[sailorwifenmom]

I've been a Sailor, and I am still a Sailor's wife, and I also have a son who is a single Sailor.  I've seen the Navy from a lot of points of view.  I understand that you're hurting right now, and I'm sorry about that.  I hope that this helps, if not make it hurt less, at least make it a little more understandable and give you some stuff to think about as you decide where to go from here.  Please know that none of this is meant in a mean way.

First, that expression "so and so is a bad influence on my Sailor" is one that makes me cringe.  After all, how many of the ladies here would say, ok, my Sailor is gone, and my friends REALLY want me to go out and do this, and sleep with that, etc etc.... Most of us wouldn't do that, just because our friends told us to, unless it's something we ALREADY wanted to do.  These Sailors are not spineless individuals who are under the moral mercy of these evil shipmates who lead them astray.  I have seen a lot of Sailors make bad choices over the years, and NONE of them were forced into it by their buddies.  The blame for their actions shouldn't fall on their shipmates, it should fall on the Sailor.  And any spouse who doesn't see that, I have to admit, I can't help but wonder, why would  you want to be with someone who was so easily influenced and manipulated by others that they were ok with betraying someone they claimed to love? 

But, aside from that, for most people (unless you were a military brat when you enlisted), joining the Navy opens up a whole new world for you.  You see and are exposed to things, ideas, and places that you never imagined when you were back in your home town community.  Some of these things are good, some are bad, and some aren't either one, they're just different than back home. 

When this happens, and the Sailor is involved with someone "back home" (whether married, engaged, or dating), one of 3 things happens. In no particular order, these thing are:

1) They cheat, carry on, and act like jerks - because they were ALREADY jerks, even if they hid it well, and now they're just doing something that they've secretly wanted to do for a long time, but didn't because they thought they couldn't get away with it, and now they think they can.  (Sort of like that teenager that throws a kegger at their house the minute their parents go out of town, but behaves themselves when the parents are home...)

2) They realize that there is a lot more out there to choose from (not just in partners but in life choices overall), and that what they truly thought they wanted, they realize that, given other choices, no, they really don't, and they end the relationship.

Both of these things are very painful for the person who is left back home.

3) They realize that the person "back home" IS the right person for them, and that they do love them, and they want them to join them in this big new and exciting world.  When that happens, we then come to a new set of choices.  The One "back home" has to decide if they love the Sailor enough to do this or not.  And, you would be surprised at how many times it's NOT the Sailor who was cheating, or who "moved on", but the significant other who refused to move with them so to speak, and this is JUST as painful for the Sailors as the first 2 routes I mentioned are for the girlfriends.  In fact, in some ways, it's MORE painful, because usually, the girlfriends back home still have the comfort of being surrounded by friends, family, and an environment that they know and are comfortable in, where the Sailor doesn't have that.

From reading the question here, and some of the comments, it sounds to me like you think that his Shipmates are "dicks" as you put it.  Some of them might very well be.  I've met a lot of them in uniform over the years.  But, with all due respect, I would like to point out that what those Sailors are very likely seeing, looking at the SAME situation, is a buddy with his heart broken because the woman he loves and wants to spend his life with chose her alcoholic, dysfunctional parents over him, so they're "circling the wagons" to prevent him from being hurt even more, and getting even more distracted, when he needs to be concentrating on getting through what is a very tough training program.  

 

Whether this is fair to you or not, it's how your Sailor and his buddies are going to be seeing it right now, because it happens a lot, and he's in a vulnerable place, and they are trying to protect him from getting hurt.  Which is what they do, because while he's "just at school" now, if his mind isn't able to be on what he's doing, and he's distracted by heartbreak when he's out floating around somewhere, that could cost someone their life - his, or one of theirs...  It goes back to the Navy takes care of their own, which includes wanting to protect them from someone that they see as a threat to the well being of a Shipmate (again, whether you are or not, that's how they see you right now). 

Again, I don't mean any of this to be mean or hurtful or to be putting you or anyone else down.  I'm just trying to show you how your Sailor and his friends are probably viewing things right now, and hopefully, by understanding that, you will be able to be able to find a resolution that causes the least amount of pain to you both as possible.  I hope this helps put it in a bit of a different perspective for you.

I wish you and your Sailor the best of luck!

[tori&tyler]

Nice of you to give such a strong opinion but you don't know me, my situation, my sailor. Especially my sailor. I know him very well. I know for a fact that his friends influenced this. He TOLD me that. Cringe all you want, it happens. And that is a fact.

[sailorwifenmom]

My comments weren't meant mean towards you or your Sailor.  I was just trying to point out that, ultimately, he is a grown man, and the choices he made were his, not theirs.  If they influenced him, it's because he CHOSE to let them do it.  They didn't make him listen to them or take their advice.  The person or people to blame for his choices, and for this situation, are not his shipmates, it's him. 

It's often easier to blame the other Sailors, because, after all, you don't know them, and you aren't in love with them, so it hurts less if they're the ones "being the dicks", not the Sailor that you do know and love.

And you're right, I don't know you or your Sailor, but you came here, asking a group of people (and I'm assuming none of us here know you or your Sailor), for opinions.  I gave you what was honestly meant to be a helpful and honest reply based on 22 yrs of living with and surrounded by Sailors.  It was meant to help you understand where they're coming from, so that you BOTH could have less pain from the situation, not to attack you. 

Take it for what it's worth.  I hope you get something valuable from it, but even if you don't, I still wish you and your Sailor the best. 

[tori&tyler]

My sailor is being an idiot, I will admit that. And the reason why I take offense to what you say compared to everyone else who has commented is because you think you know everything. And attempt to back yourself up with comments like "based on 22 years of living with and surrounded by sailors." I asked if anyone else had been in a similar situation, not for someone to shove opinions at me left and right.

[sailorwifenmom]

Tone is very hard to understand online.  My tone was not meant in a nasty way at all until I read a nasty tone in your reply.  At that point, I got a bit defensive.  It wasn't meant as a know it all attitude, it was an honest attempt to help you understand a different point of view, so that the two of you could hopefully come to some sort of compromise or resolution.  When you started with the "you don't know me or my Sailor" stuff, yes, I do admit, I did go there with the, yes, but I DO know Sailors.  And, yes, just like you know your Sailor and your situation, I also have seen many girlfriends and wives - more than I can count - who have been in very similar shoes as you, and I have spent a lot of time, more hours than I can count, most of them sitting with them in my living room over a cup of tea, who have been in similar shoes to you. Some of them have made it, and some of them didn't.  My advice was based on that, and meant to hopefully give you a chance to be in the "make it" group.

But, up until that point when it appeared that you were getting an attitude with me over it, everything I wrote in that post, and in the one I put right after it about encouraging you to get help for yourself before you try to repair things with him was meant in a nice way. 

And by the way, I have never said, nor have I ever believed, that I know everything.  But, there is something to be said for knowledge gained by and through experience, and I do believe that knowledge is power, and we should all try to empower each other by sharing our knowledge.  What you do with it is up to you. 

[tori&tyler]

I am sorry. There

[sailorwifenmom]

I'm sorry about the crazy long post I just made, but one other thought, and again, it's just my opinion, in the end, you need to decide what's right for you, because, after all, you're the one living through it, but...

I would STRONGLY encourage you to address the situation with your parents, and by that I mean come to terms that you are NOT responsible for their choices or their lives or their mistakes, and it is not your problem or responsibility to give up your own life so that they can continue to destroy their own.  Nor is it your job to try to "save" them - THEY are the only ones who can do that.  I would wait to try to fix things with your Sailor until you have accepted this.  Not "trying to accept it" or "working on it", but accepted it.

Because, unless you accept that you aren't responsible for them, even if you do go out there where your Sailor is and marry him, it's going to be the death of your relationship. One of the biggest reasons, aside from adultery, that I've seen for military marriages to end is because the spouse tries to cling too tightly to "back home".  Yes, it's home, and yes, the people there are important, but unless you are willing to step out on that ledge, leave the nest, and "fly", you're going to be miserable, and so is your Sailor.  In fact, a lot of times, from what I've seen, it's this problem that often leads to the adultery problem (NOT that there is EVER an excuse for adultery, but this does contribute to it.) 

It sounds like you need to decide if you want to step out there and fly, or if you want to stay in the comfort of your nest "back home".  Until you chose which one you want to do, all you're going to do is hurt the both of you :-( 

Again though, I really do wish the both of you the best of luck, and I hope that you do work it out! 

[tori&tyler]

I have recently come to terms with this. I have started attending Al-anon meetings to try to get help too. And as of the first of July I will have moved to Texas. I did for myself. Because I did finally realize I can't save them. I have been trying for 10 years. It unfortunately took me losing the love of my life to realize it, but I saw it. Maybe once he see's that too he will come back to me.

[sailorwifenmom]

I think this sounds like a good plan.  It's good to do this for YOU, and then, I agree, hopefully, once you see that you have made that step away from being in a destructive and co-dependent relationship with them - for YOUR sake, not for his or for anyone else, that he does get that confidence in your relationship, and your willingness and ability to commit to it and make it a priority, back. 

As painful as it is, this can be a good thing for both of you, and make your relationship much stronger in the long run.  And, if it doesn't, it will still have made you stronger, and in a more healthy place, when the next relationship happens.

I hope your move goes well.  I know it can be hard taking that step, and there's a good chance your parents aren't going to like it, but it sounds like it's a good thing for you, and you should be proud of yourself for being willing to take that risk and do it. 

[tori&tyler]

Thank you. =)I am trying my hardest. That is all I can do.

[tori&tyler]

On the plus side, his friend contacted me and we ended up talking about this and he admitted I had a point and ended up apologizing.