Arguments

[Bgirl23]

Hey girls.  Me and my boyfriend have been apart for over 4 months now and I've noticed that we seem to be fighting over everything lately.  It's almost like we lost patience with eachother.  He has a lot of insecurities being away from me because he's afraid of losing me (plus the stress from school and being homesick) and I obviously miss him a lot.  For some reason this is just making us fight way too much.  Is this normal?  It almost seems like boot camp was easier than his schooling.  Being able to talk but not see him almost makes it harder to me.  Just wondering if anyone has gone through this and has any advice :)  Thank you!

[AshleySuperfly]

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  My boyfriend is deployed, and he and I don't fight, per se, but I think we both get slightly annoyed at things.  I feel confident it will get better.  It's a weird situation for him, so I know he's over loaded, bogged down and he doesn't always know how to handle things.  Just hang in there!

[Bgirl23]

I'm hoping it will get better.  It's frustrating sometimes.  Im glad you feel the same way at times too I was begining to wonder if it was just me or if this was normal.  None of my friends have been through anything like this so I have nothing to compare it to haha :)

[NavyGirlfriend15]

best advice for this is you know that he is going threw a lot so you should try to let as much of the little things go as you can because it will make it that much easier for him. 

[Bgirl23]

Thank you :)  I've definitley had that mindset that I need to let the little things go, and I have done that.  I never start an argument unless it is something that is truely important.  I just feel like he's so afraid that I'm miserable or mad at him for some reason and he gets defensive by arguing with me when nothing is actually wrong.  I'm not sure how to handle stuff like that.  He always compares me to his friends girlfriends and expects that I'm going to be mad when he goes out when I'm not at all. It gets to be a lot sometimes and I  cant help but feel selfish sometimes and get mad that hes acting like this towards me when Ive been nothing but supportive.  I know he is going through a lot but I am too with him being gone and grad school and I think its only fair that he have the same respect for me. Any advice for anything like this?

[meagan5220]

Well first off I know some girls said this but you got to pick your battles. BUT you need to tell him he does too. Its not going to work if you are the only one trying to not argue bc he will just keep nitpicking trying to pull you in until you take the bait if he is looking for that probably because its easier to be mad at someone than miss them. The lines of communication need to open up. You both have to learn how to talk to each other without accusing each other even if you arent meaning to accuse. Say you havent heard from him in awhile. Instead of texting him to say "Why are you ignoring me? I am about to go to work and it really would have meant a lot if you contacted me" you could say "Hey I just wanted to let you know I am about to go to sleep (study, work,etc) and I just wanted to tell you I love you before I go maybe if you get a second I would love to hear from you since its been awhile"  (not saying thats the case but just using an example.) One way makes him feel like you are mad at him and the other lets him know you are really missing him while gently reminding him that calling you even to say I love you can make you smile. My husband did this to me a little bit when he was in A school and to be completely honest I went the complete opposite lol one day he was throwing some fit about something and I just WENT OFF! lol I was working two jobs, taking 18 hours of college courses, trying to graudate a semester early so I could move with him so he wouldnt be alone in a place 35 hours away, and trying to figure out how to get our stuff there, buy a new car, sale mine, and find a place to live on top of whatever else I needed to do lol. And I laid into him about just anything I could think of. When I finally stopped yelling at him he was just very quiet. I quietly said ok now its your turn to fall all over yourself and try to make me feel better since I am dealing with stress. He just realized how stressed it can be even if I am not in the same situation he is and how bad it feels when someone takes it out on you when its not your fault  (lol although technically all the navy crap was bc of him signing up ;) lol jk) He started talking to me when he was stressed and if he just needed someone to listen I listened if he needed someone to help him figure it out I helped him figure it out. And he also remembered that life in general is stressful but its never an excuse to be rude to someone.

 

Also, if my husband ever tried to bring up some other guys wife to me trying to say I was them I would smack him through the phone. lol If his friends gripe all day long about their gf then they need to work on their issues. He needs to stop projecting their issues on to your relationship or yall are going to have a tough relationship if you are battling your own fights and everyone else's.

 

Yall need to set some time aside and talk about whats going on and how he needs to talk to you and treat you and that he needs to find a better way to deal with stress bc believe me its only going to get worse when he is on a ship for 50 days straight without a port visit and the only way you can communicate is through email. He has got to figure out how to handle it and talk to you with respect or I would hope he would find himself alone. No one deserves to be treated like crap for no reason. Boundaries have to be set. I hope that helps a little bit. Idk if I would suggest going as drastic as I did by freaking out lol but it sort of shocked him into realizing what was going on and worked for us lol

[Bgirl23]

Thank you so much.  This honestly made me feel so much better.  And I will admit I have lost it on him a while ago...but it got to the point where he wouldn't let that go as much as I apologized for it.  Even to this day he keeps bringing up that one time I lost it on him.  Then tonight he called...I was upset over a family issue and I was crying and needed to talk to him.  I told him how I just needed him to let me vent about what was going on with me because I was so upset.  Then out of nowhere he starts telling me that I talk to him horribly and that I'm a nasty person and I dont believe anything he says and all this stuff that completely came out of nowhere. He wouldnt let me talk and kept telling me to shut up and listen to him.  Then he hung up on me and hasnt spoken to me since he wont answer my calls.....He's never been like this before the navy.  I just dont know how to handle someone lashing out on me like that.  He's only been in his schooling for 2 months now and he lashes out on me at least 2 or 3 times a week.  Is this normal?

[meagan5220]

Oh lol he tried to say something once about how I went off on him and I told him to shut it or I would do it again lol. I uhh dont put up with much crap. I love my husband but I am very outspoken and one thing my daddy taught me was first off no man will ever lay a hand on me without dying, and second a true man would never treat me poorly and I have just as much right to put him in his place as he does if I am treating him wrong. When my husband asked my Dad permission to marry me he literally laughed at him and said you realize the hard part is getting her to say yes lol. And then he told him if he ever hurt me that he had better hope my Dad got to him before I did. Bc I would be a lot meaner than my dad would be lol. anyways thats beside the point. lol

 

First off, no he has no right to tell you to shut up. If I was you I would dump his ass. and he had better hope I never saw his face again. I dont advise calling or texting him. I am going to tell you that its not a good road. If he treats you like crap and you are trying to get him to come back to you and you are the one chasing him then he realizes you will put up with it and that he doesnt have to be the one to get you back. Do not allow him to treat you like this. because many cases like this get worse and worse.

 

One thing many girls think is that their sailor all of a sudden changed their personality because they are in the Navy. Thats not true. My husband and I would fight and stuff but he never lashed out at me for no reason and tried to blame it on the Navy. Stress doesnt change who someone is it shows their maturity level and how they handle stress. If I was you I wouldnt put up with it. If he cant handle stress in A school deployments and dealing with other Navy issues are going to be 100 times worse. If he is treating you like this now when he is in school you have to make a decision what are you going to put up with. How far will you let him go before you say no.

 

I know its easier to say from the outside looking in to leave him but I have been there and I gave the guy I was dating one chance. We had been dating 6 months. and he got drunk and got pissed at me and through text was a complete jerk. I stoppped talking to him for a week. He finally messaged me back saying how sorry he was and blah blah and I let him have it. I told him next time he talked to me lke that it would be the last time we talked. Sure enough about 2 weeks later he got drunk again and got mad about something and tried to cuss me up one side and down the other. I just told him to text me in the am. and I broke up with him. When he was sober. I dont put up with that. But the point of that is you do not deserve to be treated like that and he needs to treat you right. If not you really need to give him an ultimatum at the very least if not leave him.

[Anti M]

Huge "like" from me!   You teach them how to treat you, let them walk on you and you're a doormat forever.

[meagan5220]

Exactly Anti M!!

[sailorwifenmom]

Exactly!  My grandma had a lot of great sayings, and one of them is "you can't be a doormat if you don't stay down on the ground".

You need to give him respect and consideration and the benefit of the doubt, BUT - he needs to do the SAME with you.  (Not saying you all don't have respect for each other and all that - just saying in general.) 

[Bgirl23]

thank you soo much.  honestly youve helped me a lot you really have no idea

[meagan5220]

You are very welcome.