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Infidelity in the Navy
Hello ladies!
First off this isn/t about my husband and I, it's actually a couple we used to hangout with all the time we met here on this very site! They have a beautiful little girl and we would go out every weekend while in great lakes. Let's call them mr. and mrs. smith. Our besties our family!
unfortunately we were sent to Virginia while they were sent to San Diego, but before Mr. Smith went to San Diego he had to finish his C school in Virginia, which we were very excited for since we would get to see them again!
Mr. Smith started not answering our calls and which was very unlike him, Mrs. Smith started to worry and wouldn't tell me everything, until rumors started swirling around the base. Mr. Smith was cheating on his loyal and most wonderful wife with a female in the navy. He has since lost all his friends, his family and I have to hear my friend go through this heart wrenching ordeal. She love him very much and she doesnt want to loose her family, or get his husband in trouble. This female sailor knows he was married had a child and still had the balls to introduce herself to my friend.
I need advice to give my friend and if any of you guys have gone through similar circumstances i would love to help my friend heal and move forward to try and repair her marriage, he still calls her but is making plans to leave her for this other woman. i would also love to have someone reach out to her because I don't know what to do other than try and show her no matter what she is still a navy wife and we are here for her! as for this other woman her day will come, when she has to go through the same thing because if she condones cheating, why would he trust her....
Views: 2065
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Anti M on
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So sorry your friend is going through this ordeal.
She can't repair the marriage if he is planning to be with this other woman. If he won't make the commitment to work on the relationship with his wife, it is finished. Sorry, seen this a lot. A couple can get past something like this, but only if they both want it. She can express her desire to keep the family together, to love and forgive him, but she can't make him do anything he isn't interested in.
I wouldn't judge the other woman too harshly, we have no idea what Mr. Smith told her. I dated sailors who assured me they were divorced, but they were just lying skunks. Some men get off the leash and never come back.
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Permalink Reply by meagan5220 on
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Idk I would tell her she needs to leave him! She needs to show her daughter that she deserves the world as a wife and that she should never have to put up with being treated like this!
Like Anti M said if he doesnt want to come back and be with her and is already making plans to be with the other woman then I would tell her she needs to start lining stuff up. She needs to decide where she wants to file for divorce before he does, if I was her I would go to legal and ask what she needs to do to make sure her and her daughter are taken care of until she can get back on her feet and get home or wherever she wants to move. Hell if my husband tried to pull this shit I would make him regret ever meeting me.
The little boy that disrespected his vows is the one that deserves to have his a$$ handed to him. No matter what if the girl knew about him having a family yea that makes her a crappy person but she didnt say any vows to her and promise to be faithful. A lot of sailors dont wear their rings while working and dont feel the need to tell people they are married. My husband has a friend that is married and when he was in a school he hung out with another sailor and his wife. The wife is a friend of mine and she had no clue he was married. Nothing happened between them but she had been trying to find him someone to date bc he told her that he was single. But even if the girl knew its still not her job to not get in a relationship its his! the other woman isnt the bad person here. yea she if she knew but HE is still the person that shouldnt be trusted!! He is the one that broke a vow. I never understand why women always blame the other woman. She will never get past it unless he owns up, takes FULL responsibility for it, and they BOTH work towards rebuilding trust. Personally, he doesnt deserve someone that is loyal to him if he is not.
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Permalink Reply by abuon18 on
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It's sad and I'm sorry to be harsh but she needs to stop dwelling and thinking about how to fix it before he screws her over again. I have a feeling this will be a messy divorce so the more proactive and knowledgeable she is the better for her AND her daughter. There is time to be sad and mourn but divorce is going to happen. She will always have the support of her friends and family and even though they're getting a divorce it doesn't mean she can't maintain her friendships with the Navy wives she's met & grown close to! All you can do as her friend is be there for her and help her with what she needs. As long as you let her know that she won't lose your friendship with this divorce I think it will give her the strength she needs.
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Permalink Reply by Navy Issued Wife! on
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The sad thing is The other woman knew, She was stationed in Great lakes with us and is the one who is pushing for the divorce, she is the one to blame and so is he, but mostly him, I guess you guys are right in that there is no point pushing for a reconciliation if there is no point. There is also something that he mentioned when he was drunk and Mrs. Smith was just devastated that he mentioned a baby on the way, but he laughed it off as a joke, they continue to talk and I have told her to just not answer his calls, he will call her when A. he is drunk B. he is lonely or C. just wants to torture her. She is very dedicated to keeping the relationship and he hasn't given her any money since this infidelity surfaced, he will plan vacations with that woman and drives her around in his wife's car! It's heart breaking to see her go through this but she doesnt want to get him in trouble because she believes that he will never comeback if she does!
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Oh hell no on the money! She can and should go to the Navy and demand her share of his pay until the divorce is final. She gets ALL the BAH, half his base pay and the child gets a portion of the base pay. She should be talking to someone ASAP about that. If he is keeping the BAH, he can get slammed for fraud (unless she's in housing, of course).
During the divorce, she must make sure she gets court ordered child support and all the benefits of a dependent for the child. The Navy will give him BAH differential for child support once divorced (but not yet remarried).
Infidelity is one thing, but the Navy will come down on his ass like a ton of bricks for not supporting his dependents. Get her on it, no excuses about hurting him or pissing him off.
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Permalink Reply by Angie on
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If he isn't giving her any money (ie his BAH) than she can and should call the CMC of his command to let him know what is going on. The command won't do anything about him cheating on her and leaving her (with out proof he cheated on her, like video) BUT as Anti M said they don't play when the Sailor doesn't take care of their family.
Also she needs to get a lawyer ASAP and file for divoce. have written in the paper work that he must provide medical and dental for the child and also child support to be increased when he gets a pay increase. I would be a butt head and write in there that he will provide for the child to go to a 4 year university also.
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he is playing this sneaky, see i didn't know why he keeps telling her that they are getting a divorce yet she has yet to see any papers for it, she refuses to file because she wants to stay with him and doesn't ask for the money because she doesn't want to make him mad. he is currently underway in Hawaii, she is living at home in san diego, and he keeps telling her that they continue to give him BAH for Illinois and not for California and that is why he can't give her money!!!!! I told her to take her car back but she continues to just be his door mat! I will relay all these messages to her! THANK YOU GUYS SOOOOO MUCH!!! I just hope she goes through with it! I will keep you ladies posted!
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Best of luck to her, sent along the messages. Just as she can't make him return to her, no one can make her see past wanting a future with him. She should be mad, should make him mad. Maybe that's what he wants? For her to stand up and fight for him? (Not that I would, I'd cut my losses and take a long walk).
The BAH thing... what a crock. She can look up both zip codes, and whatever he's getting, take the lesser amount. He should be putting away any suspected excess in case they take the overage .... but they won't take it all (unless it is all in for SD and all out for IL in one check). Does she have access to his MyPay account? Or has he shut that off too?
I knew a guy like that, but when he left the other woman, he didn't go back to the wife. He found a third female willing to believe his lies. Until she caught on no one was filing for divorce.
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You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink...Tell your friend the info we told you and than leave it, it is her choice if she wants to just sit by and be trampled on by this dirt bag. All she is doing is screwing her self.
IF he is stationed in San Diego...he is getting San Diego BAH, not Great Lakes BAH
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If he's deployed or out doing workups and has been gone more than 30 days, he's also getting Family Sep pay, which is an extra $250 a month. He needs to take care of his business and support his family, and she needs to take it to his command / go to legal if he's not.
Your friend can go to this website http://http://www.defensetravel.dod.mil/site/bahCalc.cfm
If she goes to that site, she can enter the zip code for his command (or, if he's on a ship, she might want to try the zipcode of the base the ship is home ported in), his paygrade, and the fact that he has dependents, and she can see what he is authorized / collecting for BAH. it's very unlikely that it's the same amount they were getting at their previous command. (Now, if she is living in housing, then they aren't going to be getting BAH, but if they aren't in housing, he most certainly IS collecting this money, and, like I said, he needs to be taking care of his business...)
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I'm stationed in San Diego as well.... If she needs some local support or a friend PM me and I will give you my information. I'd be happy to meet with her and be an ear or support her in whatever decisions she makes next. Sometimes it's not so much not wanting to, it's being scared for what happens after. It will be easier for her to move forward if she knows she has support!
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