Im a MESS

[NavyDoll Ebony]

Hello ladies. Hope everybdy is doing okay. I am not. Im a mess right now. I just wish i had someone to talk to that gets me. Im so depressed. The past few days i've been picking arguements with my fiance and just getting so upset at him. One of the thinks i often find myself doing is blaming the military for the way things are. It really is, but after the fact i just feel really bad about bashing his career choice because i know he's under alot of pressure and stress. But at the same time, i feel like i am too. We both are suffering. I just hate when the military has to come up in like almost every conversation or when he is visiting with our families and friends. And when he's gone ppl are always asking me questions about him and its kind of annoying. Call me selfish or jealous but this is just real for me. I would much rather if that aspect of his life be kept as a job and not his everything you know? I really love this man, and i want/need it to work between us. Its just so stressful at times. I just had to vent for a little second and hope that theres someone on here who gets it. 

[Veronica/NavyWife]

I am sorry to hear that you feel this way. I may not be able to relate to what you are feeling but being married to my sailor has definitely taught me a few things. When my husband and I first started dating, we did not have the luxury of living close to each other. I was never the type to rely so much on someone or need someone so much until I felt and experienced the love of someone who is everything and more worth the waiting, the hoping and the trusting in. When I met my husband, I too was going to go Navy but deep in my heart I knew I wanted to finish college and get that degree I had always dreamed of since I was little. So I stood here and he had continued on with his career with me supporting him all the way. Being with my husband, those moments we are together always are 1000 times better than any of the obstacles that we have faced. I get asked about how he is doing and what he is up to in his career all the time. It's not the questions that bother me, its the reminder that I still have days to go before I can see him again or the moment they ask I am reminded of that pang of absence the Navy has left in my heart when he is out at sea, or the reminder that I have to be patient, be humble, be accepting for the choice he has made in his career while trying to understand that as much as I want to be close to him, as much as  I want to be able to pick up the phone to talk to him, I can never be angry at him for making a choice I was going to make because I know if the roles were switched, he would have been there for me and done things for me like I have done for him. Being human I am allowed my five minutes to complain, to hurt and to cry. It's not about being jealous, or being selfish, its being human and you will learn in these kinds of moments that just how much stronger the two of you can grow as long as you remember the reasons why you chose to be together. It takes a lot of heart, a lot of patience but never say it is impossible because I know that God would never give us anything we could not handle. He loves us too much. I am not a super religious woman but I do have faith. Just like I know that you will be okay, you just need someone to listen, to vent. I am here if you ever need to talk. I hope things work out well for you. Respectively-V

[sailorwifenmom]

I'm sorry :-(  It can be hard sometimes, and I do understand that sometimes it can be frustrating and you just want to pull your hair out.  And it can take a lot of compromise between the two of you, you with needing to understand that this is more than a job, and that he is a Sailor, 24/7, and even when he's off work, he's still Navy.  And with him - too - HE needs to understand that you love the MAN, not the uniform, and sometimes you just want him to "turn it off" and be HIM, not Seaman/ Petty Officer / Chief or Officer ____. 

It can be hard, because it is a balancing act between you accepting that being a Sailor IS who he is, and him accepting that it's not ALL that he is, if that makes sense, and finding that balance can take work, time, communication, and compromise. 

I would just encourage you to try to not make it a situation where you and the Navy are playing tug of war, with him being the rope, because then everyone loses, and all the relationships suffer (yours with him, his with the Navy, and yours with the Navy when you all get married and you're trying to navigate the Navy systems). 

Just try to hang in there and talk to him about it, I'm sorry that it's so hard for you right now! 

[TropikalParadize]

I totally understand....and to my husband, the navy IS just a job...when hes off, hes off, we try and get away from everything military when he's off, and leave work at work.  Granted when hes deployed its different, but we are a couple that doesn't focus our lives around the military, if we can help it.  I mean you have to to a certain degree, but it certainly does not define who he is, if that makes sense....we are older, as well, and my husband joined when he was older, and we were definitely already established.  So the navy is definitely not all there is to our lives....and I have my career, as well....yes I work and have a career, but I am also ME, and that's how my husband is as well.....my husband is also DEFINITELY not a "lifer" too, so we might have a different point of view than others....but that's what works for us!! So I understand totally, because we both feel the same way you do.  

[Anti M]

Just like any job, there are days you can shake off work, and days you cannot.  Sometimes the stress demands you get away from it all, but if there's something big weighing on his mind, such as a problem with what he's responsible for, or a looming inspection, or having to deal with the people in his shop... then it follows him around.  Just as any job with responsibilities would do.  The Navy isn't a nine to five job which is easy to turn off like a sales clerk or janitor, so sometimes you just have to listen... if he's venting or talking it out, he may need that in order to get it out of his system.   

But he also needs to listen to you, to how you feel... and then you can move forward too.  My husband and I were both in the Navy together, so we'd come home and just have a big old bitchfest before we could start our evening/weekend.    

As for family and friends, at least they are interested in him and what he does.  

If he is new to the Navy, it is pretty overwhelming.  Takes a year or two to get it compartmentalized.  You can't make him choose because he has to choose the Navy.  Is he on a ship or still in school?   It can be really hard if he's part of a good crew who are all very close... you'll end up socializing with them, knowing them like family.  And yes, you won't like them all.  But the positive side is it creates some very strong bonds if you're in a new place.  

Good luck, I hope you two find your balance.