Stress???

[kmaidaho]

I'm sure I'm probably not alone here...that many of you have sons/daughters who are of the 'over-achiever' model.  I am extremely proud of DS and all that he has accomplished, but I am at a loss at how to advise him when he expresses that he has "gone stupid" and is "extremely depressed".He has taken a hit on his grades this semester and feels so helpless as his 3.9 GPA starts to slip.  He has been keeping up the most unreasonable pace/schedule for the past two years--he is not on scholarship even though he is at the top of his class--hopefully, he'll pick one up this semester.  ANYWAY, we live just a couple of hours away and have recently seen DS.  He acts okay and looks great.  When he calls, he is usually in good spirits, although I do know that he is extremely stressed.  So, when he says that he is "depressed", I'm not sure how to take it.  I have encouraged him to talk to a couple of people in Command, who have been very supportive of him and who have helped him deal with the disappointment of being passed over for scholarship time and time again.  I've also encouraged him to talk with the campus priest, who we know personally.  He always says that he does not have time--which I do believe, given the work load he has.  Short of praying constantly for him, I don't know what to do.  Are any of you getting phone calls like this?  How do you handle it? 

 

Thanks,

Kat

 

[kmaidaho]

Thanks for the feedback ladies!  I appreciate the support and will keep you posted.

 

[NavymomBarb]

I have also received calls about stress and "I'm so stupid" and "This is all too hard", although not really the part about being depressed.  These young people DO have so much pressure on them with school, being away from home and having to handle everything themselves, and the navy requirements on top of that.  My daughter is doing aerospace engineering and has extremely hard classes and if she is not in the top 10 in her classes, she thinks she is too stupid to be doing what she's doing.  It took a lot of talk to convince her that she doesn't have to be the top, just do her best and she will be right up there.  We encouraged her to get out and do some fun things, too.  They really need to destress sometimes.  Also, it may be partly the time of year...is he going through midterms right now?  Those can be almost as bad as finals.  Usually when we get these calls, we worry alot and then a week or two later everything is just fine.  As the other moms said, they can vent to us because we will listen and not judge and then hopefully, they feel better and move on.  Will say a prayer for him...the power of prayer is amazing!  Sounds like he is a very smart and determined young man and just needs to find a little balance.

[bora's mom]

It's always a comfort to hear others with the same concerns. Our bright kids do drive themselves unbelievably hard. I love

[kgrmom]

I can just add in that we too have been there :)   It makes a difference for them to go talk to someone (even though the first time or two my DD insisted it was a waste of time).  After that it didn't take long for it to help- so much that a couple of years later she went back on her own to talk to them again.

I think a lot of kids in this program are such highly driven over-achievers it's not surprising to see the levels of stress they end up with.  I hope things are getting better for your son :)

[usmcmom]

My son is going through the same exact thing. It's really tough to keep up the pace, with academics, physical training, ROTC, social, scholarships, etc. I can definitely understand your concerns, and Im so glad that he felt comfortable to share this with you. I try to send cards and care packages constantly, and visit about once a month. Tell him not to give up on that scholarship! Mine got his after 2 years! The truth is, college is hard. So much going on all at once, plus rotc. It's no surprise that they are so stressed! Someone advised my son to get involved in other groups and activities on and off campus, away from ROTC. So he joined a business fraternity ( mostly to network and to help with academics) that will hopefully provide some opportunities to have some fun. Is he getting enough rest, food and exercise? These were other factors adding to my son's stress, I hope and pray that it gets better for your son. Take care!

[kmaidaho]

Hi ViperGirl,

        I completely agree that none of this stress (much of it self-imposed) is worth losing my son over.  But, to answer your question..."So what if he doesn't get the scholarship?"...the so what is he's out of the unit if the scholarship doesn't come through this semester.  So, it IS a big deal...not the end of the world as you point out, but he has invested so much in NROTC to this point and has been told so many times that a scholarship would be coming (the 1st time after just 1 week in the unit!), it would certainly be a devastating blow.  The pressure is immense as he tells himself "I couldn't get a scholarship with a 4.0, how will I ever get one with a 3.8?"  But...we will know soon enough.  The awards ceremony is 4-18 and the CO has asked DS if we are coming.  I'm going to take that as a very hopeful sign.

Kat

[bora's mom]

I really did write a bit more, with complete sentences and everything last month. Guess the iPad thought I was too verbose. What I was trying to convey was that this IS the place to express the ups and downs as we follow our kids. Our kids are pushing themselves so hard, it is my daughter's third year and I still get the calls. Mid-terms of course mean that all classes seem to also demand huge projects. Our kids are involved in intramurals, sports, unit events oh and school. Years ago another mom suggested that when DD presents a problem, ask DD for suggestions to fix it. I can still talk about the options with her and help her come up with alternatives. When she works through the problem and resolves it she gains confidence in her decision making skills. I had to be told to stop saying "you should" and instead "could you" to get her thinking. Hard for me to let go, change my role from mommie can fix it. It is like when they were learning to drive, how many times I would have preferred to have driven somewhere but the kid needed the behind the wheel time. Really I don't think I actually punched a hole in the pax side floor, and maybe just a few relaxation exercises, strangled sighs.

Kat, please let us know how it goes for your son.

Sending positive thoughts,

Kris

[kmaidaho]

Well, the stress will have to contiinue for a while longer.  We attended the awards ceremony on the 18th.  Thankfully, the NROTC class of 1962 was having a reunion and several faculty members were there to receive awards---otherwise, we were the only civilians!  EEEKKK!  The XO came up to us and went on and on about DS.  He told us that they are doing everything in their power to get DS on scholarship to include telling 'them' that if they award just one scholarship, is had better be for our son.  Right on the heels of that, he asked why we were there. AWKWARD.  DS said something to the effect that the CO had suggested it, so he thought it was like when someone around there 'suggests' that you do push ups...you just do it!  We all laughed about that and we just said that we only live a couple of hours away and wanted to see DS in his whites.  But, I have to tell you, it was a huge disappointment to not hear an announcement of a scholarship.  The good news is that they haven't heard either, so I guess there is still hope.  The waiting continues...

[J/J Mom]

i agree ... how did it turn out??

[kmaidaho]

Sorry...I started another thread with the news...College Programmer gets Scholarship!  The Monday following the awards ceremony he called to say that he had been awarded the scholarship.  We were thrilled!  I immediately sent the CO and XO a note thanking them for their support and assistance and received the nicest notes back from them.  Since the scholarship was awarded so late in the year, he didn't get to do any Summer Navy stuff, so he has been stuck at home working a grunt job at a local welding/machine shop.  But, there seems to be nothing that will wipe that smile off his face.  It's great when hard work is rewarded!