Deployment...and the changes in my sailor. Has this happened to you?!

[AshleySuperfly]

So this is exact opposite from my last post...I keep trying to be positive but...BAH!  It's hard!

So my boyfriend and I have only been talking and then officially together for about 7 1/2 months (combined time.)  That's not a whole lot of time, especially because 4 of those now, he's been deployed.  I've been REALLY lucky in that he usually has access to Facebook chat, and we talk several times a week through that and then we've skyped once.  So, we aren't lacking in communication, thank goodness.  

I do find myself missing him a lot though, so when I can't talk to him, I'll sometimes go back over past text messages/chat logs and just read them and remember those sweet things he says to me.  In doing this, I've seen a dramatic change in the way he talks to me now that he's deployed.  It's more "here's what I did today" and less "I miss you/I love you/Sweet talk/etc. etc."  Now, occasionally I'll get those conversations, but not like I did when he was just working in Norfolk on the ship and not deployed.  It scares me some days.  I sometimes try to illicit a sweet response, and it doesn't always work.  I don't know if it's just because he's now in full on WORK mode and there's no real down time in deployment or what.  

Also, he barely gets sleep some times (like yesterday, he got 2 hours in about 30 hours and had to be up for Flight deck duty after those 2 hours of sleep), and I've seen a correlation between romance side of him in relation to how much sleep he's gotten.  I know that has to have A LOT to do with it.

I also got jealous girlfriend on him the other day b/c his ex before me has been writing on his facebook wall quite a bit and it freaked me out.  (He told me he'd delete her from facebook if I wanted and anyone else I didn't trust, and I was so tempted to say "YES PLEASE."  hahaha But I told him I have no control over that!)  He kept saying he felt stress with us because of the distance and the tiredness and etc. etc. but he never mentioned this before deploying.  We were happy as can be.  He said straight up that he doesn't see us breaking up over any of this (because I sure did ask LOL), so I'm not terribly worried about that part, but it's still in the back of my mind.

Anyway, has anyone seen this with the deployed sailors?  I know it's hard on them trying to balance that job and a relationship.  I'm giving him a few days and not messaging him or anything so he can not worry about keeping me happy and not stress about about US.  Is that a good idea?  He can message me if he wants, but I want it on his terms.   

Any help would be GREATLY appreciated.  Thanks ladies!! :-)

[rxl100]

My husband is not currently deployed and when he was we were not able to communicate that much but I can tell you about our current situation.

For the last four years my husband has worked either 16-18 hour days, seven days a week, without a day off or he's worked nights, which also screws up our schedule.  He does get to come home at night, except when he has a duty night.  I say all that because with this type of schedule, we have very little time for us.  Any extra time he has is spent sleeping or catching up on stuff he has to do like getting a haircut or going to the cleaners.  Really, it sucks!  Since we've been doing this crazy schedule for a time now, I have come to learn that I cannot constantly be on his case about spending time with or calling me during the day etc.  It's too much extra stuff on his shoulders and he just can't do it.  When I do bring it up, I can see how much he struggles to do a great job at work and be a great husband.  If I didn't see my husband everyday, I probably would not be able to fully understand how tired he is everyday and probably be more demanding but I see how exhausted he is every night so I cut him some slack and tell myself this is only temporary.

It sounds like your boyfriend is responsive to your needs and that's great.  Deployments can be hell and each one is different.  I would worry more if he had down time and was not responsive to your needs.  Good luck!

[AshleySuperfly]

Thank you so much!  That really helps a lot.  I know he's tired and that honestly, I'm the last thing he may think about in any given day.  I try not to think about it, and it usually works, but some days I'm like "I cannot lose him so I gotta do whatever I can to make sure I don't..." and I think when he can't reciprocate b/c he's tired/busy/whatever is when it stresses him.

[Anti M]

When my husband was deployed, we had only snail mail, and he was a terrible letter writer.  Before we were married, I didn't even know how many months or years it would be before we'd see each other again.  He never has been big on sweet talk, but he has always taken care of me, protected me, and provided me with a loving environment.  He doesn't say he loves me, he shows me in thousands of ways.  My point is that during his deployments, before and after our marriage, I had to go completely on trust and faith he loved me.  He never could tell me.

Being able to communicate may actually be a weakness.  You've come to expect and sweet talk, and that's normal.  But see, you are doubting the relationship because you feel the words are lacking.  Perhaps the relationship is maturing, moving on to a knowledge the love is there without expressing it constantly in verbal form.  Since he can't show his love from a distance, you feel alone.  He feels stress over your feelings.  Perfectly normal.   I'm guessing, but maybe if he knows you know he loves you without being told all the time, he'll relax a bit.  He may feel he is not giving you enough, and he's drawing back a bit until he has the time to feel like a proper boyfriend again... not so dog tired and living a hectic schedule.  

Hang in there.  First deployments are often the hardest as the couple works out their unique "normal" ... what's normal for their feelings, their communication style, and so on.  You two may be working out the details of your deployment style.

[AshleySuperfly]

Anti M - you are like the guru of this website.  You always have the best responses!!  I think this right here, is the most accurate answer I've gotten.  I think communication is a weakness.  I've gotten spoiled by getting to talk to him so regularly.  And I think he's online because the little green dot is there, but does that mean he's actually there, mentally?  Does he want to talk?  And when I message him and he doesn't respond or it takes him 10 minutes, I take that as a sign that is totally wrong, because the next day, it's not like that - it's back to normal.  And this "He may feel he is not giving you enough, and he's drawing back a bit until he has the time to feel like a proper boyfriend again... not so dog tired and living a hectic schedule." I think is a great explanation.  Thank you SO much.  This is what I needed to hear to make me feel better! :-)  

[rxl100]

Deployment style...you are correct about that.  Everyone reacts differently before and after deployment.  My husband and I begin to argue right before a deployment, PCS, or any big change.  I've come to expect it.  It's just nerves, anxiety about the unknown, and the added stress but our homecomings are great!

[AshleySuperfly]

Oh man, I cannot wait for our homecoming! I mean, I dream about it all the time and I have the whole thing planned out. Just need that date. (which BTW, how do you know when the ship is returning? I remember him saying something about a letter or...something about a month before?) I think when it comes down to it, he does care about me, but this is his first deployment and we are having to just figure things out as they come! In glad I have this web site, else I'd turn into a total basket case :-)

[Anti M]

Ah, homecoming.  Some real ups and downs come with that time.  There's a good discussion about that somewhere in this group.  

As for the homecoming date, remember that is classified info and should never be posted online.  Not unless the Navy or the ombudsman releases it, and even then, be super-aware and cautious.  OPSEC, don't talk about ship movements, and all that.  Has your sailor signed you up with the ombudsman?  She, and the Family Readiness Group, will be a lifeline when the time comes.  Some will work with GFs, some will not, but he should check into it so you are in the loop.

[AshleySuperfly]

Oh yes, I've learned a lot about what is and is not allowed to be discussed. To be safe, I don't discuss anything. My Facebook doesn't even say he's my boyfriend and vice versa, just to be safe. I See girls posting "10 days until my sailor comes home" etc. and I'm like "are you stupid?!" haha

As far as I know, I have not been set up with the ombudsman. Is that the only way to know when the ship is returning? I'll ask him about that next time I talk to him.

I'll need to dig up the homecoming discussion so I'm better prepared :-). Thanks for the info!

[Anti M]

The ombudsman may not be the only way, but she would be one of the most reliable and secure ways.  

Good to know you're on top of OPSEC.  Too many ladies don't understand what is at stake.  

[meagan5220]

Hey Ashley! I am going through my first deployment too! And on top of what these ladies have to say (all great advice!) I just want to throw some more things out there!

 

First off, like I said this is my first deployment and my husbands as well. On top of that morale on the ship hit an all time low about Feb-March. I could sort of tell that it was getting to him too. The deployment started off only supposed to be 5 months. Then about then they said its going to be a month and a half more and promised them no more extensions... then 4 days later they said nevermind we are probably going to add about 2 more months on top of that! Needless to say it was a hard time. I felt like sometimes I was saying every other sentence in my emails I love you. I love you I miss you, I cant wait to see you! And I was just wanting to get a simple I love you. and I rarely did. I got short emails which to me I was thinking uh So rude!! I just spent 20 minutes emailing you a whole short story and I get nothing back? lol. But I have learned he doesnt always have a ton of time to respond to everything so he wants to just respond somewhat because he knows how much emails mean to me.

 

I also sort of started well not saying I love you as much. So it wasnt like I was a crazed lunatic. I realized it wasnt that he wasnt saying it as much as me because he didnt mean it. It was more like I write I love you 20 times and wrote about 4 other things so if he responded to every time I wrote it then it would just be an email filled with 20 I love yous and no real conversation since he wouldnt have time to respond to anything else lol! Not that I dont mean it as much or didnt love him as much. Just when I was saying it 20 times and he would say it back 2 times I felt so underappreciated but if I say it a few times and he says it a few times back then I dont feel so bad. and he knows I love him either way!

 

Also, one day I was having a bad day, well actually it was a horrid day, but he was emailing me and I finally had to tell him I needed to go to sleep bc it was like 8 am and I hadnt slept in over 24 hours. And I asked him to send me a sweet email to wake up to. First, he asked me if I was ok lol and freaked out because he thought something was really wrong. But I told him that I know sometimes its hard for him to get time to write a sweet email but even just something short and sweet really helps. On his own accord. I sort of just explained to him how although he might not think much of it when I am lonely and I get something like that it just helps me out. I mean yea I know he loves me and misses me but it still hurts to be lonely sometimes. I just reminded him that while deployment might be hard for him to its also hard on this end as well. Not in the same ways but it is. I know its not as horrible but it still sucks. So when I get an email from him saying I love you that wasnt just a reply to my I love you then it makes me smile because it reminds me that he is thinking of me. So he has started sending me emails randomly because he realizes just how much it means to me.

 

Thats one thing I have found is sometimes a stumbling block in relationships is the way people feel loved. Sort of like the 5 love languages if you have ever heard of it. You can take the test online and they explain how people are different and how that can effect relationships. For instance, my number one to make me feel loved is verbal affirmation then my second is physical touch. But that could cause problems for instance if he feels the way you show people love is through caring acts or material gifts. On the other hand that could cause problems on his end if I keep telling him how much I love him but he doesnt feel loved because I dont do sweet little things acts that show I appreciate him. They explain it way better lol. But after you do yours and they email you the results you will probably be able to tell what his main love language is. When we started talking about how we give and recieve love in different ways that sort of has helped. Its still hard because we have to wait for emails and thats not always the most effective way to convey tone lol. But ports help a lot and phone calls help a lot too! Sorry this rambles a little but I would have to say I would probably be telling his ex off ;) lol jk

 

but remember the lack of sleep also can have an impact on how sweet he is or how quickly responds. Just imagine if you were working on a final paper for 30 hours straight and had only gotten two hours of sleep in a room that was constantly moving and under a runway (if he is on a carrier lol) So on those days yea I do say give it to him. but just remind him how much you love it when you get a sweet email :)

 

Have you talked to him about how you feel? I would be afraid to just stop messaging him. It might stress him out more because he thinks he has upset you and that you are mad. I would suggest talking to him about it. Tell him you arent mad just want to discuss it.

[AshleySuperfly]

Wow - this is a lot of good advice...I think I'm gonna take that test and see!  I have been SO close to messaging that girl and just telling her to stop but, I'm afraid it would make HIM made (because you know she'd tell him!) and I don't want to cause any more problems.  

I know he's down right now...he's said it before...and I know he's tired.  It's just so hard to message him and he not respond, even though I know he got it (facebook chat tells you if the message was read, unfortunately LOL)  

On Sunday we did have a long talk (when I asked him about his ex and he offered to delete people on his facebook lol) and he knows how I feel.  The reason why I say I'm gonna stop messaging him is that maybe he feels overwhelmed by me messaging him often and he can't respond because he's so busy.  Maybe that's where some of the stress comes from.  So I though, if I give him a couple days then message him, or wait for him to message me, then it'd be a little bit of relief on him, you know?  I don't.  I'm so lost and confused with this whole thing right now.  I mean, I sometimes feel physically sick because I feel like he's avoiding me or doesn't want to talk to me and if I keep pushing him to talk, he'll just shut down totally.  

I'm thinking about just sending him a long email detailing my feelings a little more.  I just don't know what else to do.  It hasn't been hard for me this WHOLE time, now suddenly it's the hardest thing I have to deal with.  You ladies are helping a lot though. :)

[meagan5220]

haha sorry I tend to ramble once I get going!! lol Yea I can understand. I would probably tell him you arent going to tell him to delete her but he knows how it makes you feel so its his decision on what he is going to do. My husband when we first started dating was apparently upset for a long time I had an ex on my facebook even though we never talked, I do a bi-annual cleaning of my friends list lol. The only reason I do it before then is if someone realllly makes me mad lol. but otherwise I just wait til the next time I do it. But we talked about how at first when we first started dating exes were ok, but we both felt that when we decided to commit to the other that the exes had to go. If anything I would tell him at least that her constant attention towards him while you are dealing with this doesnt make it easier. Just be honest with him. You dont want to let it build up either.

 

I also wonder if maybe sometimes he is online maybe doing something else like a class or something for work and facebook shows him the message but he gets distracted and doesnt answer it. Orrr his facebook could also be like mine which it was telling my friend for the last week I was reading her messages lol but they were never coming through. I found out saturday lol. Or connection on the ship could just be bad where he cant send something back. So it might just be some quirk like that. I am not one to make excuses but I always like to make sure I have something to be upset about before I get upset lol. Less heartache in the end! I definitely say sending an email just explaining whats going on with you and how you feel and whats going on. It can also be as you are coming to a rough stretch or he hasnt had a port visit recently. There are so many things that could be making this week harder than any other.

 

Oh see look at that there! Your love language profile explains a lot! Its not really so much that he is ignoring you its just hard to see like he isnt when he is deployed! And for him it can be hard to remember how much you love him when he cant hug you or hold your hand or cuddle with you after he has had a hard day!! I really think the 5 love languages is something couples need to look at when they start getting really committed. Its important to understand what each half of the couple needs to feel loved. We assume that we are showing them love because its what we need. Although its with good intentions unless the other person sees that as showing love then its going to be a barrier. I would also say on his end talk to him about what you have discovered about yourself and maybe tell him what you think would make you feel more loved and ask him on his end what would make him feel more loved. Maybe he can even take the test too. My husband couldnt on his ship because every other website is blocked lol. but if he can get on facebook I would imagine he would be able to.