Boyfriend of 2 years joined Navy Reserve

[Juliette]

So I'm completely new to this military lifestyle and everything it entails. But to make a long story short, my boyfriend whom I've been with for almost 2 years finally decided to join the Navy Reserves. It was a year long discussion between us because I wasn't exactly thrilled or keen on the whole idea. Full time was definitely out of the picture because we're both 30...he's 31, and I felt that we were at a prime in our life - where we both definitely want a future together, which includes marriage and kids - and I couldn't imagine him being away for months and months at a time. So through mutual agreement, he joined the reserve. Unfortunately he's been a little stuck with the jobs he's had in the past, and right now, considering he has a bachelors degree in corporate communications, he's doing nothing with it and working at 2 jobs he doesn't exactly love. He felt skill-less, and he's always wanted to be part of the navy. I guess it just took being with me to finally make his dream come to life, even though it's a bit late for it (in my opinion).

Fast forward, he went to MEPS, passed everything and got the job he's been wanting in Aviation. I'm extremely happy and proud of him for being so brave and going forward with it. But a big part of me is very fearful of our time apart. We just recently moved in to a new place together in April, and I can't imagine spending the winter months alone without him - he leaves this September and will be away an entire 6 months....which is so LONG to me. I have alot of family and friends to keep me busy while he's away, but I love him dearly, and worry about our time apart and the effects it may have on our relationship which has been very good for two years....

Can I have some advice, tips...anything? I'm trying to mentally prepare myself to say goodbye, even though I know it won't be forever, but I more so just worry that we'll work it out together. So much changes in 6 months....and it scares me terribly :(

[rxl100]

First...welcome to the military family!  What a tough and exciting time for the both you.  From six years of Navy wife experience I have learned that military members can have full lives, including marriage and family at all stages of their military career and they do, everyday. Yes, it is difficult sometimes and yes they are gone for months at a time but it can be done.  I see it happen everyday.

My husband worked as an RDC and he had recruits of all ages, from the new high school graduates to moms who have grown children and joining the Navy was their life long dream.  He is not the only thirty something recruit and I'm sure he will do a great job!

The fact that you have two years in this relationship is great, I'm sure that you have built a strong foundation.  I married my Sailor when I was 35 but before that he had an overseas duty station and I was still in the States.  It wasn't my ideal relationship but I wouldn't change it for anything.  It was scary leaving my career, home, and family but my life has been so enriched by the experiences.  Good luck to the both of you!

[Juliette]

Thanks for the kind words. Luckily the reserves is a little less hectic than full time active duty. I like that with the reserves, after his 6 months away, he'll be back and only doing his job at the base one weekend a month. That's much more appealing to me! I just worry about the time apart....In all 2 years we've been together, the most apart was about a week...if that. So it's scary! Hopefully within that time it goes very quickly....It's sad that he'll be away for his birthday, thanksgiving, christmas and new years.....that saddens me most :(

[heathee12]

Your story is similar to mine in a number of ways. My boyfriend left for bootcamp in February and is currently at his first duty station in Washington state. We are both 34 and I live in NY, so it's not that ideal, but just like we did you will find a way to make it work. My bf wanted to expand his career potential and had family members in the Navy so he figured it was now or never - due to age constraints and a shifting job for him.

My advice is this - trust in what you have - e v e r y day - when you don't want to, when you are tired, when you are lonely - trust it. Have fun and spend time together now and when it happens you'll deal with it.  Try to look at the whole experience as a positive one. You will have a chance to built your communication skills and in my experience the small stuff just doesn't matter.  I am able to talk to bf everyday and for that I am thankful.  You will be a huge part of his support system so make sure you have a solid system for yourself.  That helps alot.  Your family and friends won't totally understand but they will sympathize.  keep busy and be active.  I trained for a marathon while my bf was away - it saved me - he left in Feb I ran it in May while he was in A school in MS.  I had a schedule and goals and I was accountable to myself for this.  It also helped me remember that anything is possible if you want it and are willing to work hard for it.  If you have a good relationship then it will stay good. We have been together for a little over a year but actually dated when we were teenagers.  Somedays I hate this and it sucks really bad, but I want to be with him so this is what we do.  I haven't seen my boyfriend in over a month and have another month to go, but this is part of our adventure.

Hope that that makes sense.  If you want to know anything else just ask:)

[Juliette]

Thanks so much for the support and advice...I haven't even reached the day of his departure yet for bootcamp and I'm already really nervous about it. Is your boyfriend in the reserve or is he full time active duty? I guess I can be thankful enough that he's in reserve, so when he's home finally we're not apart. I couldn't really imagine having him go active....that's so much time apart and I don't really know how I'd deal with that. I work full time, so I know my days will gradually pass and move along hopefully....I have family I visit all the time, and a few friends I'm close with that I can talk to. But it just doesn't seem like it will replace the time I spend with him. It just really scares me that in 6 months time, ALOT can change....We've had a really good solid relationship from the start, but we've never been apart like this....I'm just hoping it doesn't ruin everything good we once had....I do look forward to the old fashioned ways of communicating though - letters, ect. It seems like nowadays that relationships are based off of all texting and cell phones and emails....which I think kills true communication when it comes to a relationship. Writing letters could be a little romantic....But 6 months apart isn't! I'll definitely be here alot once he leaves in Sept....it's going to be tough - he will be gone for his bday, thanksgiving, halloween, christmas and new years....that depresses me :(

[heathee12]

Hey Juliette, My boyfriend is Full Time Support staff at a Reserve base so technically he is active duty but he works with the Reserves. You're right it is alot of time apart.  There is really no way of getting around that.  I think that it makes sense why you are scared, nervous and anxious about this change - it is just that a huge change.  What I've learned is you also have to change the way you think because this experience will be unlike anything you have been through before.  If you let the distance ruin your relationship it will; if you work on building what you have in the ways that you can with the distance you and your relationship will thrive.  It's kind of like anything else: if you set yourself up to fail you will - if you set yourself up to succeed you will.  For example - if you want a promotion at work you work hard and assert your achievements to your boss; you don't start coming in late and acting like you don't care - I hope you see where I am going with this.

The benefit that you have is in the end your boyfriend comes home to you. Embrace the positives that you have.  I am so thankful that even though my bf is across the country that he isn't deployed.  We can talk everyday - that is HUGE.  What kills communication is not communicating what your needs are and being open with what you are going through while also being strong.  It's a roller coaster, but like anything else it will pass. 

When I picked my boyfriend up from the airport after not seeing him for 2 months I have never been more excited to see anyone in my entire life - that is something important.  Focus on what you can do.  6 months apart blows! everyone on here understands that.  You can do this and for now have fun and don't worry about it - you have today.

PS I never look at more then 30 days at a time....30 is doable:)

[Juliette]

Your words of advice are fantastic and I appreciate it. It will be nice to be able to set myself up for when he leaves. I guess I can't fully complain since he decided not to join active duty. I like with the reserves that he'll be able to come home after our time apart and just report to his base once a month. Did your boyfriend originally sign up with reserves? Just trying to understand how it works. After my bf is done with bootcamp he has to report to Pensecola FL for 3 months for A school. When your bf graduated from bootcamp did you fly out to see him? Also, how does the system work with writing letters....is it after 2 weeks you can start writing to each other?

It seems like you have trust and faith in your bf even though he's on the other side of the country. That's a positive. I'm not worried about our time apart while he's in bootcamp, i guess I fear A school more and his freedom. I just will hate not being able to be with him, and hang out with him, like we do now.....But, our trust is at 100% and we've had a really good relationship from the start with no true terrible drama. I'll definitely have to approach this and be optimistic and hope everything works out in the end...

I really appreciate the advice...you're in NY you say? I'm actually in PA.....not to far apart....I'll def be keeping in touch with you...

[heathee12]

No prob! Trust me it helps for me to write about it to.  My boyfriend signed up for active duty, but his job just so happens to be in the Reserves for this contract.  My boyfriend graduated bootcamp and I flew out to see him graduate - if you can go go! I was brought up in an anti-military family and there was something really amazing about PIR that I will never forget.  We saw each other after graduation until 7pm and then I went to the airport in the morning (saturday) from about 6:30am-10am (and I gave him his cellphone then). I wrote him everyday he was gone minus the last week because I knew he wouldn't get them and as soon as his mom got the form I was able to start sending his letters.  I think she called me within a week or so with his address.  To be honest the letters really help.  I also sent him photos (all wallet size) articles, blogs -whatever I thought he would be interested in|would keep him smiling.  It kept me busy too - I had a post office schedule lol!  Towards the end of bootcamp I sent him a post-it countdown. He sent letters every week to me - usually I got them on Thursdays. I also got three calls - they were all between 7-20 min - short and sweet. He will miss you ALOT while he is gone. That i am sure of - we are what get them through it. 
Once Justin was at A school it took a little bit to get into a routine, but we always txted each other in the morning and then he would go to his room on lunch to leave me a msg and then we would talk and txt at the end of the day. You won't have a time difference which is nice. Also, since your bf is older as well I wouldn't be worried about A school at all - most likely he will be annoyed that everyone is so much younger.  Justin never went to party's or anything but they do happen.  If you guys have been together and things are good - seriously don't worry.  he came home for 10 days after he finished school and that was awesome but went by and left me feeling like it was all a really amazing dream. we have talked everyday since he graduated from bc - which was around 4 mnths ago.  I have days when it all really bothers me, but you just have to keep your face in the sun. 

def keep in touch!

[Juliette]

It doesn't sound as awful as it seems through talking with you. I know the time apart will suck, but you sound like you're doing okay. I'm sure you have your up and down days. I def will go to his graduation. And I know for sure how much I'll be a part of his support system. Amazing to say, but my boyfriend is actually Turkish and his mother and father still live in Turkey....so all he really has here in the states is me, my family, and his sister and aunt. He's been here over 12 years now, so he's completely used to the isolation. And you're so right about A school. I never thought much of the age difference, but I always told him that he's going to have to get used to the younger people around him since he's 31....thanks for that input though, that's so true and made me realize that...

I think i look forward to the letter part though. I kind of find that romantic as silly as that sounds. It be nice to express feelings through a letter, and they're something you can hold on to for a life time....maybe it will make up from the stressful time apart. My bf plans to cancel his cell phone during bootcamp he said, only so he doesn't have to pay the bill. His contract is up this month anyways. So I guess it be smart to do as you both did and give him a cell or get him one when I see him after graduation...makes sense!

I really enjoy your input....it's already helping me some and he hasn't shipped yet. I truly appreciate it!

[heathee12]

Lol! you did read in one of my first responses that how i dealt with his being away was that I ran a marathon - so I was running over 25 miles a week. It helped keep me sane and healthy (and sometimes too tired to worry). 

I am glad that you feel better.  Trust me get through BC and A school is better for the sheer fact you can talk.  His schedule will be structured but it is doable! There will be other people closer to his age, but not that many - he will vent to you alot.  Make sure he is in good shape before he goes.  I got my bf running up to 3 miles prior - he hated me for it then, but it saved him later.  If your bf wants to keep his phone and number he can just put in on a military hold - no cost and it freezes it for them.  He may have to talk to a view people to make it happen but they will do it. 

Good luck!

[Juliette]

Hey I never heard of that phone idea...I'll have to mention it to him tonight, thanks for that. As for training, he's been doing some as we speak, and he has to report to his recruiter to train a little for a few hours. He's in pretty good shape now, but I know once he goes to BC he's gonna be in for a ride. How tough is it? I'm hoping it doesn't change anything about who he is - considering how tough it is for them.

As for training for the marathon that's a great idea. I already work full time, but I may volunteer or do something on weekends to keep my mind busy while we can't speak. Probably best....is your boyfriend's A school a regular 9-5 type job schedule? I'm just curious how it works....and how often you guys speak while he's away....