Son leaves on July 23rd, and Im not ready!

[Worried Mama Ship14/Div300]

This site has been such a shoulder for me to cry on, I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for their truth, advice, and support. Like most moms I have read about, I have the endless list of questions and fears (let's not talk about the tears, because they're streaming as I speak!) I feel like the tears are always streaming, and noone but the moms on this site can understand. It feels like Im walking in a continuous cloud of grief and fear, mixed with an equal amount of pride and excitement. I know this time is about my son and all he has prepared for and excited to start doing, and I should be celebrating him and his dedication (which I am doing, believe me) but I feel more often than not, Im hiding somewhere just sobbing. He leaves in 2 weeks and I just cannot imagine how I will make it, when I cant even get through this post without the ugly face cry! Everyone I know thinks Im crazy, that this is not the end of the world (and yes, Ive gotten a few dummies who try to compare their sadness of sending their kids off to college to mine!) I know people are trying to help and be supportive, but they just dont get it. The women here seem to get it - and although it might bring out more tears for me to read through some of your experiences, I cry because I can relate and its as if your describing what Im going through. You are able to put my pain into words, and it does help to feel understood. Even my husband, who is also upset our son is leaving - seems to carry himself so differently, approach it all so differently even behind closed doors. It makes me almost resent him, foolishly thinking he is secretly happy to be shuffling our kid off so he can have me all to himself. I dont know, Im sure its just my hormonal craziness!!

There is one thing I have been noticing, and havent read much about it and wondered if anyone else is experiencing the same...my son is a family oriented kid. Always has been. We have always been close. He started to become a little distant a little argumentative about 2 months ago as he was seeing the beinning of his next step (high school graduation, boot camp approaching, etc) I sort of ignored it, it went away a little (or maybe I just learned to deal with it) The past week or so, he is very closed off and just...rude. Its so unlike him. He has had some disappointment in his recruiter (started out wonderful, then job offers changed due to vision requirements, promised to reclassify him & never did now the recruiter has been replaced by 2 others and he is now just a mentor. Andrew has a job he really didnt want, and feels stuck). Anyway, he is excited to leave, I know he is nervous as well - but is this a normall process? A way of detaching maybe? He just plays his xbox & computer ALL day everyday. He thinks he knows EVERYTHING there is to know about bootcamp. I mention I read this or that on this site and he just rolls his eyes and gives a snotty comment. At times he makes me wish he were leaving the next day so he can see what ive been trying to say, but then that worries me that he will get a dose of reality that is too harsh for him! I dont know what to do - Ive tried pushing him for info, Ive tried just talking to him, offering anything and everything I can think of and it doesnt seem to help. We've beein doing some family stuff to help build memories, and he joins in and seems to enjoy himself - his nastiness seems to be directed toward me. Maybe Im imagining it, maybe Im looking for more than he is able to give. but I dont think so. I definitely dont want to mention this to the recruiter (the 2 new ones we've yet to meet) because I dont want him cast in a negative light, especially with just 2 weeks to go. I was just hoping to read that others have experienced something similar to this and that this is all normal.

Anyway, thank you for allowing me to read your posts, sympathize with your struggles, and give me the comfort zone to vent my own. It really does help in so many ways! This is my first post, and Im sorry if it was on the long side (but hey, you read it! ;)) I just had alot to get out and thank you for. I would love to hear from you, thanks again!

[Alvarezmom]

Well I can definitely relate. My son leaves in 5 days for MEPS. He is very stand offish playing video games, going to friends. My husband feels I shouldn't go the swearing in because I might be the only "mommy" there. I don't want to embarrass my son in any way. Any advice?? Should I or shouldn't I ??? I have made many attempts to meet his recruiter but to my disappointment something always comes up. I have another son in the army and he is a recruiter and he never stops on his new recruits he works till late in the night so I guess I expected the same from my youngest sons recruit.
I have read a lot here and makes feel like like I'm not alone in my feelings. Knowing there are other moms with the same emotions I have makes me feel validated because I don't feel anyone trully understands how hard this is for me right now. Thank you moms it really helps. Wiping away the tears for now and putting on big girl panties have plenty of time for crying after his gone don't want him to see me weak. Thanks again ladies!!!

[Mike's Mom (S-PACT/Yokosuka,JP)]

If it had been totally left up to my son, he probably wouldn't have told us about enlisting until after A-school! He likes to act like he is totally independant, but he has had to rely on help from us many times in the past several years. He is 24 and has been half-heartedly going to school. I think some of his distance has to do with feeling like he has failed or at least imagining we believe he has failed. Then I also remember my time when I joined the Army. It wasn't that I didn't love my mom, just that I was tired of having her run my life. I did some of the very same things, shut her out of my decisions, didn't communicate very often. So I look at him now and see that this is his time to break free. And no matter how much it may hurt me, I've got to let go and trust God. I am sure there will come a time when he feels accomplished and he will feel more like sharing again. But if I try to interfere, he might likely absent himself from our lives and never come back. I always said my parenting goal was to raise a child who was likeable and who liked themselves. I don't believe that CAN happen if I don't let him fly. I cannot even begin to tell you the comfort I have gotten from all the women who share here. I know I can make it with all this help available! Hang in there. We'll get through it together!

[Rox (FN-EM/Nuke School)]

Well said Mikey's Mom! Hang in there. Nobody likes change more than a baby in a dirty diaper. It will get better.

[kathyrc(Ship03DIV175)PIR 6/08/12]

Worried Momma - I can really feel for you!  I actually had more trouble before my son left for GL. The last couple weeks were awful and I am not usually emotional, but I was crying very easily - Just thinking or talking about his leaving. Finally, for me it was almost a relief when he left (even though we are close and I knew how much I would miss him). He was anxious, nervous and excited. He wanted to move on with his life and start his career. The first couple weeks I did really well. I was sad and concerned, but had braced myself to not hearing anything for at least 3 weeks - For me, this really helped.  Just a suggestions and some personal experiences...He is happy and doing very well in A school (still at GL).  Best wishes to you and your son!!

[IndyMom]

Girl Friend as they say into today's lingo we need to talk.  1.  Your son does not have to take a job he doesn't want-contract or no contract.  You all need to talk to his recruiter and tell him the deal is off and your son will look into another branch of the service.  Can I ask what vision problems he has and what job he wanted? Most vision problems are correctable and often the military will pay for it.  If he wants to fly,I'd say he needs vision correction surgery.  The only problem there is he is young and they like you to be a little older.  Also, he might consider doing some college because he could go in as an E3 and might have a better shot at a job he wants.  That is off the track a bit.  If his heart is set on going now, then I still believe you need to have a serious talk with his recruiter-this is a big commitment.

2.  What you are feeling is totally normal. This is not like going away to college.  Someone other than you is taking control of your child's life and once he leaves you won't have any contact with him for about 4 weeks (with the exception of I am here call).  After that the first call and letter come in about the beginning of the fourth week if he is not on watch, or his unit is doing okay.  Secondly, this is a career that puts our children in harms way which adds additional concern for us as parents. So, your friends mean well, but understand that they are not in the same position you are in and it's hard for them to truly know what this feels like.  When he goes on to A School he will have access to a computer and can Skype you. I don't know what job he will have, but if he is on a ship they also have access to phone/computer-somtimes at sea, but mostly in port from what I've read and heard from friends who have children who are active now.

3.  I think your son's reaction is his way of dealing with the situation.  That said however, his behavior could be an indication he is a little depressed.  That could or could not be normal.  Is there anybody else he is close to like his doctor or a family friend?  If not then I would sit him down and voice your concern and ask him whats bothering him? Is it the job, are you having second thoughts, just nervous about leaving, etc.  My son graduates this Friday and we are a very close knit family.  We were also very close..he is a college graduate/played college hockeyand was anxious to get his life started as he called it.  My son has since told me in his calls and letters that BC is the hardest thing he has ever had to do in his life mentaly nd physically.  The first few weeks he said all he wanted to do was quit.  So, your son needs to be sure of his decision.

Please feel free to friend me or ask any other questions you might have.  I will be praying for you and your son.  Let me know how it works out for you.

[rnterry 04/817 PIR 7/27 alumni]

Hi worried Momma,  Just read your post and wanted to drop you a line.  EVERYTHING you are feeling is so normal.  My Son left the 4th of June, so little over a month and even yesterday as I was driving down the road I just started balling my head off.  I was just consumed by sadness, missing him like crazy.  I was really surprised at my reaction to his leaving.  The first two weeks were so awful, was just lost.  Finally realized it was not that he was leaving but the finality of his leaving.  This just isn't off to college.  It is off to start his life for real!  We also have always been a very close family and what is supposed to happen for my Son is happening but for Mom's it is hard.  Because we are left behind, which is also correct, just doesn't feel so hot. 

My Son also distanced himself and I found I was really on edge as well.  We would pick fights with eachother.  Then I remembered high school and realized that is what happens when teenagers are trying to leave the nest.  My Son is a little older, 21 so high school was a few years ago.  When we realized what we were doing, we sat down and talked very candidly about it.  I actually said to my Son that I was really on edge and so we made a deal that we would talk about what ever came up.  Nothing was off limits.  It worked and even though I was and am incredibly sad and missing him all the time. We said what needed to be said. 

The hole in your heart never fills up but then I don't think it is supposed to.  Are we proud of our SR's absolutely, do we want them to do well? Absolutely! But nothing will ever be the same and that is what we are adjusting to.  I had a brother die in a motorcycle accident when he was 22. That was 27 years ago, I have never gotten use to it, just learned where to put the pain. 

This experience is one of the "Big" ones.  Just like when we gave birth to them.  Now our job is done and we have to trust we did it right.  Just the fact that they made the wonderful decision for themselves suggests we did. 

Hang in there Mom, stay on this site and write when you need to, say whatever you need to, it is safe to do that here.  One day at a time, some days, one second at a time but once you string those seconds together, before you know it  you will be heading to PIR. 

Take care.

[kathyrc(Ship03DIV175)PIR 6/08/12]

rnterry - That was beautifully put!  So sorry for your loss...We never seem to get over those - I have lost 2 siblings, one at age 31 and one just recent at 57.

[rnterry 04/817 PIR 7/27 alumni]

Thanks kathyrc -  even with those losses it is still somehow different.  Our children are our children.  We spend 18+ years protecting and providing for them.  Nonetheless, we are incredibly proud that he will get such a great start into manhood with the Navy. 

So looking forward to seeing him on the 27th.   

[Worried Mama Ship14/Div300]

 I cannot believe the kind, encouraging words and outpouring of love all of have given to me. Each of you have truly brightened my mood! After reading your replies, I found this...excited type of renewed energy and am trying to view this whole situation if a different light. I have to try tackling this from another angle, because Im not doing anyone any good just focusing on the sadness, instead of preparing for his successes. I also found a way to talk with him last night, to try and show him not all our time together has to be about "the ending". It took a little work to pull his eyes from the computer screen, but I managed to do it and it was really nice! Of course, with only 2 weeks before he leaves, most talk ultimately do end up somewhere about him leaving - but I kept redirecting it, like "think of how crazy the dog will look by then" or "think of the fun care packages Im gonna send you!" and that helped alot. You all were right, I think he is just as nervous about leaving as I am (but to a different degree) and instead of seeing that, I personalized it. We did however touch upon he not being happy with the job he has. His ASVABS were very high, and he has done ROTC in HS for 3 years (going in as an E3). He qualified for many different jobs when he signed last year, then all of a sudden there was a change in vision requirements and that severely narrowed any options for him. Meps (?) said his vision was not correctable, which is totally incorrect. His eyes are bad, but correctable to 20/15 which IS better than 20/20 and I had 2 independant Dr tests to proove that fact and filed it with recruiter. Recruiter stuck to his guns, said no way and my son got placed in something Aviation (something my son says is like counting bolts & screws?). It was that, cook or undesignated. We grabbed the aviation one and recruiter said he'd reclassify him when time came closer. Never happened. My son finally agreed to call the new recruiter last night and ask for a meeting to discuss and see if he can reclassify. That recruiter seemed happy to oblige, said he should be happy with the job he has and was willing to look into it. They hung up and that recruiter called the old recruiter and chewed him out. Well there began the sh*t storm - the old recruiter called SCREAMING at my son, saying he shows no effort he is in the office twice a week and is the PT "leader") and he is still under that recruiters sign on (yet has to do the weekly phone call with the new recruiter) so how dare he call the other recruiter and threatened to kick him out!! My son in the state he is already in, started crying and now is fearful. What a mess! My husband called the recruiter back (the old one) and they hashed it out a bit, and agreed he would come to the house Friday night to sort this out. Have any of you ladies heard any of this? I know recruiters are really just salesmen, but dont they have to show a little care and concern for the recruit,no? He tells my son he signed a contract for this job (he also signed a contract for the first one he was offered) and that by saying this he is in violation and could be sent to jail! He told my son to be happy with the job he has, suck it up and wait to get in the navy to reclassify. That sounds wrong to me, but I dont really know! This really has me worried! He didnt ask to leave the Navy, he just asked if it were possible to reclassify. Im sorry - I really intended the first part of this post to thank you all for your help, and save this question/rant for another post somewhere else but it all started pouring out! Up until the recruiter thing, I really did have a renewed sense of hope and outlook. And although I still have that, I am in knots over the mess that now started with the recruiter! Ugh....this is too much! Alright ladies - help me through this, what are you thinking? 

[Angie]

Which ever is the current contract is the one your son (who is a DEPPER, not a recruit) will be leaving for bootcamp for.  If he doesn't like it he can back out, he is NOT offically in the military until he does his final swearing in the day he leaves for bootcamp.

 

NO he will not go to jail if he backs out.

 

As far as reclassifying while in the Navy...once he leaves for bootcamp that is the job he gets...he isn't changeing in bootcamp, he isn't changing in "A" School, he MAY have a chance to TRY to change after 24 months after he finishes all his school.

 

Yes recruiters are sales man...no they don't get a bonus for the people they get to join...no reality they don't have to be caring for the people they are trying to get to join (they are their parents).

 

Things can and are said...but if they aren't in the contract they won't happen.

 

Regards,

Angie

[harpist mom]

Your son will spend a lot of time training for and working in that job and he should be happy. I would not accept that type of treatment. It seems like he could get out of this commitment if the options and conditions have changed so dramatically. Is there a "higher up" you can contact to sort this out?

[Worried Mama Ship14/Div300]

I dont know, we THOUGHT the new recruiter was the "higher up" because the old recruiter is no longer a recruiter in the office, now a mentor. The old recruiter (probably like most stereotypes) promised the world, and didnt deliver one promise. He swears up and down he treats our son better than the rest in the dep pool and he has gone above and beyond for the kid...but I dont see how threatening to kick someone out 2 weeks before they leave just for asking if it were possible to reclassify (after he was told he would be reclassified closer to his ship date AND the rest of the dep pool there had been reclassified) would justify being treated better than the rest. And like my son, now Im worried about rocking any more ships (pardon the pun!). Im scared hes going to kick him out, Im scared he will ship him to boot camp and send a message to someone to "punish" him (I know, I watch too many movies!!), and on top of all these worries, I feel like the worst mother for trying to convince my son to speak up for himself and this is what happens. As far as getting out of his commitment, according to the (old) recruiter it seems the only options are jail or being kicked out. Im scared to go higher than him, if we knew he was still "in charge" of our son we wouldve went to him directly instead of the new recruiter. He doesnt see it that way.