Career

[cesimon929]

I think my bf wants to make the Navy his career, I really don't want that. Any advice? 

[Anti M]

I didn't say just as dangerous  ....  let me rephrase:  life is short and you never know what will happen.  The Navy is potentially dangerous, but in reality, a Naval vessel is a damn secure place to be.  If your man were a corpsman or a SEAL or going IA, then yes, I'd agree.  But he's headed to shore duty in the US if he re-enlists.  That's not all that dangerous.  You're overstating your argument.

Close-minded American .... wow.   That's about the last thing I've ever been accused of being.  

Your sailor is smart... so he must have good reason to want to finish out a full 20 with the Navy. He must have good reason.   Has he shared those reasons with you?  How does he feel about his military service past the basics of economics? Is he looking into the officer programs?  

 And hey, many of our US presidents were military veterans.  Don't insult their service.

This site is primarily for those who support the service of their sailors, rather than those who seek an end to that service.  Of course you'll get contrary opinions.  The ones who hate the Navy aren't usually posting here.  

Arguing out your side is actually helpful to you, because you have some major flaws in your stance of "me or the Navy". Your lovely self may not be enough.  If he believes in what he's doing rather  than doing it as a job, then you're out of the picture.  So you have to find a way to convince him that your way is going to be more attractive.   You'd better hope he has no pride in his service, no sense of honorable commitment, and no desire to move upward into leadership positions as he is poised to do as an E-5.  Obviously he likes the Navy enough to consider re-enlisting, which isn't easy to qualify for these days.  Why would he choose to walk away from years of hard work for you?   (I'm not asking for answers, these are thinking points for you to consider).

Good luck, you're going to need it.  

[briana&isaiah forever]

I get what you mean. Its a difficult situation. Im not sure how I'd feel if my boyfriend said he wanted to make this his career. I just know that I love him and want him to be happy no matter what. And Im sure you love your man just as much. My advice? Pray on this one, separate and together. When in doubt, God will always lead you in the right direction. I hope this helps. Best of luck to both of you :)

[meagan5220]

Being in the military and making a career of it is an amzing accomplishment and to be honest most Americans hold it in higher regard then they do say of becoming president. I know I sure as hell do. And a lot of people in this country think more of our troops than they do many government officials. Being in the military does not mean someone is dumb or lazy. The military is an awesome career to have and depending on how old he was when he started he can retire when he is young and still have time to do something else if he wants or not. If it makes him happy and he is contributing to society in a productive, helpful way I say let him live out his dream! I don't see him wanting to make a career in the military as "settling" in any way, shape, or form.

[briana&isaiah forever]

The most important thing is just to show him as much support as possible. I agree with Anti M. Dont make him feel as though he has to choose. If you know for sure that's not what you want, have a serious discussion with him about it.  Keep the lines of communication open on the subject, talk with him about it as much as possible and learn as much as you can. You may find that the Navy as a career has a lot more pros than you think it does. From what I learned so far there's lots of great opportunities. The more you learn, the more open you'll be.

[cesimon929]

That's the problem with people these days, when it comes to the tough issues they are willing to just give up and not fix things. This exact post is probably the exact reason why divorce rates in the military have skyrocketed. I would be with him if he had enough care for me to think that my career would make him unhappy and put me in harms way at all. Really? A career may be something that you do every day and something in your life that makes you happy but if that is all you have then you are a lost cause. 

[abuon18]

Being in the military is not JUST a career choice, it's a lifestyle choice. Just like you can choose what you want to do so can he. If you can't handle him being in the Navy for life then you will not be able to be with him. Neither of you should have to sacrifice your dreams for your relationship and once either of you are put in that position it's over. As far as putting him through school.... It's expensive, and would he want to let you do that? How do you even know if he'd be happy working in the same field as you?

[cesimon929]

I didn't say he would be in the same field as me. He can do anything he wants. I understand that it is expensive, I am putting myself through school right now. Would I be willing to have him doing such a dangerous job just so our family could have money? Absolutely not. 

[abuon18]

You said "there are a lot of jobs in my field" so I apologize for interpreting it that way. This is something you need to discuss with him, not a bunch of wives and girlfriends who support the idea of their man staying in the Navy, and you need to think about yourself and if you can handle him being in the Navy if he does choose to stay in for life. And I never said anything about being in the Navy to have money... My husband could be doing so many other things with his degree and making so much more money but he isn't because he wants to be in the Navy. Trust me. No one is in the military for the money. And you said "would I be willing to have him doing such a dangerous job?". It's NOT your choice. YOU don't get to decide what he wants to do with his life. He can take your opinion & feelings into account but ultimately he decides what he wants to do.... I don't understand why you think it's your choice or something you have to be willing to do. And honestly compared to other branches you should be thankful he chose the Navy, as far as "danger" is concerned. They all come with risks I know but I don't hear about naval ships being attacked, I hear about our troops on the ground dying.

[meagan5220]

Ok I am just going to be a little blunt because that is just my style. I am going to be honest. I can completely understand wanting to live your life the way you want to live it. IE staying in your hometown, being close to family, staying in one place for a long time, having someone in a "safer" job (honestly that doesnt really get to me that much because life is dangerous. its just the way it is. plain and simple. 100% death rate. no one gets out alive. but that is the way I look at it driving is dangerous I still do it because I need to for other things to be accomplished in my life). But thats my opinion which is what comes with my advice. :) On the other hand I can completely understand him wanting to travel the world, serve his country, and spend his career with a steady job then I can completely understand that. While its not fair for him to tell you that you have to give up everything for him its not fair for you to tell him to choose you or the Navy. No its not giving up and its not what is wrong with society these days. Its dating. Thats the point of dating. Its to spend time with someone and figure out if that is the person that is right for you and if you could spend the rest of your life with them.

 

I say sit down and talk to him about it but do not try to talk him out of it. You both need to talk about your dreams and goals for your life. Marriage is about compromise but its not about him or you giving everything up to make the other person happy. Like has been mentioned before getting back in after you get out is not easy by any means. They are pushing thousands of people out so its not easy at all.

 

Now I am the person that my husband and I sat down and talked about how I would not give up my dreams. He doesnt want to do career so its a little bit easier BUT that being said I would never ask him to choose me or his dream. I might have made the decision by myself before I got married. But now we are in it together. We have sat down and talked multiple times about what we want in our life and what we want to accomplish. Apart and together. As a navy wife even with us not wanting to stay in for life, and its sometimes hard to get a job with moving around in this day and age its becoming even easier to be a navy wife and get the job you want and the career you want and let it move with you if you are really dedicated.

 

So pretty much my advice is first off figure out what you want in your life and tell him to figure out what he wants in his life come together and talk about it. While its not ok for you have to give up everything you want and love its not ok for him to have to give up his everything as well. Because if either of you does that you will resent the other. Marriage is about compromise but the military makes it harder to do that evenly but it can be accomplished if both parties are willing to sit down, work hard, and compromise.

 

I always, always tell other wives about the time when I was in college I went to a presentation that was given to my department by an extremely prominent Forensic Scientist. He suddenly stopped in the middle of his presentation and turned to us and said "If you have ever lost a dream you have lost a life" He started talking about how you should never let someone give up your dream and you will never know what you lost by giving that up and he also said to ask people to give up their dream because you will never know what you have taken away from that person. I refuse to give up my dream for anyone but I could never ask my husband to give up what he wants to do with his life.  

[sailorwifenmom]

The Navy, whether as a Sailor or as a spouse, is not for everyone.  Sometimes, a person truly is open to trying it, and giving it their all, and it doesn't work out, and sometimes, people go into it with preconceived opinions on it and are determined to not like it, and so they don't.  It sounds like it's not for you (and you are the only person who can truly know whether it's because you were open minded and tried it, or not).

The problem is though, sometimes the Navy IS what someone wants.  I know it was a cheesy recruiting ad, but really, it's not just a job.  It's about a whole different lifestyle and mindset, a desire to serve, to go new places, to have that sense of camaraderie...  It really can be a calling to some people - just like being a doctor, policeman, teacher, or minister can be. 

I do understand what you're saying as far as the whole "if he can't choose me" thing with it being a choice between you and the Navy.  But, on the other hand, can you see how he could say the same thing - "she needs to choose between me and her civilian life, and if she can't choose me..." 

A strong, lasting relationship (whether it's a civilian or a military one) has to be about a lot of things.  You have to be able to compromise with each other when it's possible, and when it's not possible, you have to decide whose dream is going to come first, and usually the best way to decide that is to see whose choice can incorporate as much of the other ones dream as possible.  (btw, this is coming from 20 yrs of marriage, in the military...)

Right now, it sounds like his dreams - for him - are to be in the Navy.  Your dreams - for you - is to get an education.  His dreams for you is to have you there, putting your dream on hold, to spend time with him, and your dream for him is to kill his dream and find a new one. 

The best choice I see in this, as an outsider looking at it based on what you have shared, is you need to NOT put your education on hold, continue to get your degree and pursue your career choices, and decide, do you love him enough to allow him to have his own dreams, and support him in the military, because being with him some of the time is better than being with him none of the time, or do you let him go, and you both find other people who you are more compatible with?  If you decide this isn't something that's for you, I would encourage you to do it now, BEFORE you get married, rather than later.  (As my grandma used to say, before you get married, keep both eyes open.  After you get married, shut one of them.  Right now, you're in the "eyes open" stage...)

Because, honestly, if you want to be with him, it sounds like you need to decide if you can learn to live with (and be happy with) an ocean between you some of the time (literally), or an ocean between you all of the time (figuratively) because you couldn't accept him for who he is, as opposed to who you want him to be.

None of this was meant mean, because as I said, this life really isn't for everyone, but the thing is, you BOTH deserve the chance to pursue your dreams, and neither of you really have the right to try to force the other one to live a life that's totally different from the one they want (and to do so is NOT love - it would be a selfish act on EITHER part). 

Whether the two of you stay together or separate, I do wish  you both well, and I do hope you're both able to fulfill your dreams. 

[sailorwifenmom]

I thought of a couple of other things that you and your Sailor really need to think about as you both decide what you're wanting to do.

1) You say that he should be willing to choose you over his job, and, to an extent, you're right.  If a man truly loves someone, they should be willing to give up just about anything for that relationship - HOWEVER - there is an equally important part of that equation - if a woman really loves him back, she shouldn't ask him to make that sort of sacrifice - especially when she is not making one of equal proportion.

2) You seem to be downplaying the amount of resentment that he will very likely develop if you make him give this up, but I ask you to consider this - would you be willing to give up your career and education dreams for him?  I understand that you are almost done with your education and ready to start in your field.  However, to be fair, he will have a minimum of 4 years in at the time he has to reenlist.  That is 1/5 of the way towards retirement - and it's the stage that, in a lot of ways, is the hardest - more physical labor ("grunt work"), less pay, less privileges, and less respect.  It's his "dues paying" time - he will have paid his, and you then want him to walk away....  Also, it doesn't matter how safe your job choice is, or not - it's not about that.  It's about you getting to do with YOUR life what YOU want to do with it, and if HE doesn't like it, would you give it all up - forever?  And before you say "yes" to that question - I would like to point out that your posts here show a pretty high level of resentment at the fact that you are already having to put your goals on hold - for only a year.  Compound that frustration and resentment by a lifetime...

3) Have you considered that, at 20 years, he could retire, so, if he is already at that minimum contract length that I mentioned, then he would be going on shore duty, which is going to be, on average, at least 3 years (where it could be, for all intents and purposes as far as how much effect it has on your life, "just a job"), then all you would have to contend with would be 12 years.  That might seem like a long time, but in a marriage that lasts a lifetime, that really is no time at all.  Are you willing to compromise 12 years for his dream, so you can have a lifetime with him?

4) You mention that it's just a job, and you fell in love with the man, not the Sailor.  For many, being in the Navy is just a job.  But for those who are career Navy, being a Sailor is a HUGE part of who they are.  Are you sure that you are truly in love with who he REALLY is (which includes being a Sailor), or are you in love with who you WISH he was, or WANT him to become? 

I ask you to consider these things, because honestly, the Navy (and military in general) divorce rates are actually very comparable to the divorce rates in the civilian sector.  In fact, in a study done not too long ago, they said this very thing - followed by saying that women in the military have a substantially higher divorce rate than their male counterparts (it speculated on why, but that's beside the point).  Add to that the overwhelming number of marriage enrichment and family support and counseling programs that the Navy provides, and, frankly, a woman married to a Sailor has a much BETTER chance of her marriage lasting than a woman married to a civilian does. 

If you truly love him, you need to find a way to make your peace with being a Navy spouse, or you need to let him go.  Do not ask him to give up who he is, because you don't like it.