Conflict

[cesimon929]

My bf and I have been fighting for about 2 days... straight. Actually, we have been fighting almost the entire two months he has been on deployment. I don't know what to do... I feel I am reaching the end of my rope. 

[Dreamer1118 SHIP 13 DIV 314!!!]

Whats the fighting about? ( if you don't mind me asking)

[cesimon929]

Well I keep asking him questions he can't answer and I'm trying really hard not to but I haven't seen his face in 2 months and I still don't know when he is coming back or when they are making port. So, he is mad that I can't get over being alone and that I can't know anything. But everything is different, I can tell. 

[Angie]

Why do you keep asking him questions that he can't answer?  Of course he can't tell you when he will be home...OPSEC! 

Sounds like you need to get a hobby or a job or something to keep you busy.  He can NOT tell you LOTS of stuff.  You need to understand that NOW or break up with him and let him go...if you can't support the military life style of everything changes all the time, well than the military life will not be for you.  If you have to be in control and always know what is going on all the time, the military life isn't for you

[cesimon929]

I ask him because sometimes he can tell me certain things and he doesn't like to tell me things so I have to ask if I want to know. I have a hobby it's called full time student and I have a full time job, keeping busy isn't what life is about. Everyone that is going to reply that I should break up with him can honestly shove it because giving up on things is not something I do. These people are the reason why divorce rate is so high... I am looking for responses like Dreamer posted that are insightful and regarding my situation that maybe someone has been in similarly. How would you feel if you asked me for advice and I just said to just quit? This site is about support... 

[Anti M]

Perhaps learning as much as you can about OPSEC would give you insights about why he can't tell you certain things.  Also, the ship's operational tempo can change at a moment's notice, so he might not even know exactly when they'll be back.  Port calls are scheduled and get dropped all the time.  He might know, and it probably will change.  Of course there is conflict when you ask him to tell you the ship's schedule. Not only is it security reasons, the schedule is just flat out in a state of change.

Now you need to find the best way for you to deal with that emotionally and mentally.  Everyone has different coping mechanisms for difficult situations, you need to find yours.  Each couple finds ways to deal with the deployments, obviously your worry about when you'll hear from him and he can't give you an answer isn't working.  Sometimes just identifying the problem begins to solve it.

Are you in contact with the ombudsman and the family readiness group?  They are a terrific resource even if you aren't in the area.  Do use their knowledge and information loop.

And one last thought. Sometimes support also means hearing what we do not want to hear.  It isn't all positive, you need to look at the best and worst of all situations.  You know leaving him is not a solution for you, but on a public board such as this, there's many readers who never post.  It may be the correct advice for another couple, one we'll never know about or hear from.  No need to be rude. just say no and move on.  

[Dreamer1118 SHIP 13 DIV 314!!!]

its normal to be curious and to feel lonely. Its even harder on him though knowing your curious and lonely and he cant help with any of it except to give you a phone call or skype once in a while. He might be upset because he knows its frusterating trying to tell you the same thing. Yes we are all human we all mess up but in the end he still can't tell you no matter how much he wants to because in the end we have men that are relying on him being hush hush. If he told you and you by accident told a friend they could by accident tell someone who could potentionally hurt our troops. write it on a post it note and keep it on your phone so you don't forget about the no asking that. its easy to forget i know but troops lives depend on being hush hush over it!

[Anti M]

She wouldn't even need to tell a friend, cell phones are unsecure and can be monitored at any time.  I used to  work in secure communications in the Navy, so I know this for a fact.

[meagan5220]

Ok first off, I would say stop asking him questions that could cause him to violate OPSEC. I dont know about his ship but for my husband's if they got caught doing it then they would get all communication privelages yanked. I know its hard to not know but it would be even harder to have no contact imo. Is there a date that is significant to you two that no one else knows? It cant be posted on facebook and it can be something that is common knowledge like the 4th of July but maybe your dating anniversary or the date of your first date. As long as you havent had it posted on fb then (this is what our ship told us was ok! You might ask your FRG or ombudsman) you can use it to get information, but you cant send in an email hey lets use July 8th for our reference date. It has to be something you both just know. Again our OPSEC advisor and Ombudsman told us this would be ok for us to do. I say get in touch with them, they cant give dates either but its a good source of information.

 

As for the fighting, when its about to start take a step back, think is this really worth arguing about? Not just is it important if you are right or you win. But is this argument actually important to your relationship. Is it about something little or something big like umm porn or whatever is something big in your relationship. (I just threw that out as an example) If its not instead of engaging just email back I love you or I miss you. I would say talk to him about doing the same. Or have a code word and it just means we need to drop this. if its something big on either end just say ok we can drop it for now but we need to discuss this later. My husband put a lot of things on hold until he got back from deployment and most of the big things that were bugging us we figured out in 10 mintues or less because email wasnt making it harder.

 

I do agree that sometimes we ask for advice and we dont always get what we want, so if you get advice you dont want my best advice is to smile and nod and say thank you for your input. I dont think  breaking up with a bf if it isnt working out is a bad thing. That is the point of dating. marriage and dating are not the same thing. Dating someone is to find out if you and the other person could live your life together. I am glad I broke up with my first serious relationship it would not have been a good marriage for either of us. Breaking up with someone isnt saying I am a quitter its just saying hey we probably would kill each other or be miserable if we tried to spend the rest of our lives together.

[Le Shelby]

My sailor is in the IS rate so 98% of his job is about things that no one outside of his rate is supposed to know. So i just dont ask. He knows its not because i dont care, but because he cant tell me about anything he does and i accept that. I dont need to know everything and neither do you as much as it might suck. So my advice is dont ask him military-like questions, stick to "hows your day", "i miss you", or just (try) to have normal conversations. Sometimes ill ask my sailor how his job is going and he will answer with "good" or "stressful" and i leave it at that. Like everyone else has said, they have rules to what they can and cant say for good reason, their commanders need to be able to trust that they wont go around talking about everything that they are told.

Just tell him you love him and miss him and cant wait til he is back. Im sure once he gets information that he is alllwed to update you on, he will.