husband just returned from deployment and having serious intimacy issues...please help

[mfrobish]

So he has only been back for a couple weeks now, but from day one (or really from even when he was on the ship) I've had suspicions about him cheating.
He has a problem with alcohol and has relapsed a couple time, but every time he did I knew the second he was lying or something was wrong, it was a strong gut feeling, and I have always been able to look in his eyes and know if he was lying about something serious. Well since he's been back he has not been the same...he literally just does not seem attracted to me the way he used to. A lot of really difficult things happened when he was deployed, but we have always had such a strong emotional and intimate relationship throughout everything. But now he does"t seem like he wants to have sex. He doesn't say he loves me the same and he doesn't "check me out". I look my best every day and do things that in thepast he wouldhave jumped on the opportunity to have sex. But honestlyits awkward to even get in an intimate loving moment with him now because its so obvious to me that he is forcing it. It seems like he is forcing it when he tries to do the same things heused to (like saying Imm pretty or being sexual at all) I have such huge alarms going off in my head. I can aalmosysayImm 100% sure that he was cheating on me, but I have no proof.
I know in a way it sounds ridiculous and I know their is an adjustment period and that sailors go through a lot of stress when deployed...but everything otherthan the loving, imtimate, romantic part seems normal. He seems exactly the same and has no problem with our 15 month old son. He just doesn't havesex with me thesame. He has even had problems getting aroused during sex but he said it was nothing.
I feel so strongly about this that I can't even eat and feel so anxious all the time.
He avoids all emotional conversations or times to cuddle, which we used to LOVE and thrive off of. But he thinks I'm being crazy and saying its all just because he has been gone so long. He also seems extremely guilty when I ask him about it, but then comes up with some argument that makes me seem like its just an idea I got stuck in my head because I can't trust him.
I know it could justbe my trust issues because he has lied about big things in the past. And if im making it abig deal for nothing that would kill me.I always imagined things would be difficult at times when he came home, but sex was not one of my worries. I've been so horny and he knows it!
anyway, I'm not trying to worry anyone else becausei know most sailors really are faithful. If he did cheat Im sure it would have happend in the navy or out. I just really hope someone who has been through something like this could help me out. I just want to know if these feelings and our sex life are normal, or if maybe I am right abouthim having an affair.

Thanks in advance.

Ps. Please no judgement...I just need some help. We never used to have any problems.

[Dreamer1118 SHIP 13 DIV 314!!!]

If he did cheat he probably is not proud of it. You probably will
Never know that.. but what i would do is get down to the root of
Why he relapsed. You two share a child most i would do is make him
Get a test showing he was free of any stds but i would take one too to prove
To him that i have had nothing too. Its easy to forget that while they
Are gone us wives have more time to mess around then they do! Only time
They would have time to mess around is at port they dont mess around on ship.
So get both of yourselves tested then hopefully you two can put this
Behind yourselves. As for your sex life ask him if you can do anything
To make it a better experience for him. Maybe he feels your forcing things and being
To aggressive?

[abuon18]

Have you thought about going to therapy or counseling? I know fleet & family offers a few free sessions. Obviously it's causing a major problem whether it is because he did cheat and won't admit it or because you're over thinking about it. Maybe counseling would help you both figure out what the issue is. Sometimes it really helps to have a non-biased 3rd party there to mediate your discussions and help you both realize how the other feels.

[CHN-B]

I know it's hard to be in that situation, where u feel like something is going on but u also feel helpless as to what u can do about it. Based on the info u gave, here's what I would do:
Take a deep breath, step back. If he hasn't offered any info or admitted to anything, asking him more questions will only push him away. If u suspect him of cheating, watch his actions, see if evidence of it surfaces (his change in pattern, routines, emails, FB, etc.). If it was a one time deal, u may never know. You trust completely until he's given u a reason not to. "Trust but verify". If after a period of time of observing his actions & u find no proof of him cheating, then let it go. Holding onto something like that can eat u up inside & mess w ur head.
Second thing regarding the intimacy concern: I would again, back off. Give him some room to settle & work out whatever issues he could be dealing with. Sometimes stress can play a big factor in labito. Not wanting to be intimate w u could signal he has someone else, but could also be he's stressed about something else. Maybe something bad happened at work & he's trying to figure out how to work through it. Something is on his mind. U can mention to him u've noticed he hasn't been in the mood & ur concern, but understand if he's tired or stressed but would like to talk about it. I would give him a little space, but let him know u are there for him. Maybe u can focus ur topics on other things good between u, like ur baby. Maybe changing topics will get him to relax a bit & open up. Observe his actions & reactions. U will know if & what's different.
Also, u will be able to think clearer about the situation if u take a step back. Observe, assess, go frm there. But the more u crowd him & bombard him w questions or expect u guys to be intimate, the more u might push him away. Good-luck.

[mfrobish]

Thanks everyone. I asked him very nicely about counceling, and he got really mad and said no way...that kind of even freaked me out since he never gets mad. I know that no matter what it would be good to back off, that's just so hard to do when it seems so obvious that he just isn't interested in me :\ this is our first deployment and I know its different than boot camp and work ups, but we *never* had any problems then. I'm definitely not being aggresive about sex though, I barely do anything haha but i have done stuff, and I do put myself out their...I guess I will just see what happens.
I really appreciate it though! Thanks so much ladies :)

[abuon18]

I'm sorry he freaked out about the counseling suggestion... It's always something you can do on your own too!

[abuon18]

Sorry that got sent too soon! It might be good for you to have someone to talk to on your own. I hope you can find a way to work through this.... I do agree with giving him space for now but you don't deserve to live like that forever! Eventually he will have to open up & talk to you. Stay strong til then, every relationship goes through rough patches!

[cakesyes]

So sorry you are having to deal with this. My "professional" advice is to just say, "I know something is wrong. I'm here when you want to talk about it." That way, you don't force him into lying by denying anything, and you don't play the fool, either. It's hard to back off, and I think it will help both of you, no matter how it turns out. Hoping for the best.