NOT NAVY RELATED. BUT STILL NEED ADVICE FROM YOU LADIES.

[NavyDoll Ebony]

Hi ladies! Okay so this topic is not about navy BUT i am needing some of your advice. Okay so heres the situation, me and my sailor just got married about 2wks ago. The plan was to get married and move down to San Diego this Dec. So things were going good and we were both excited and had started apartment hunting and everything and making our future plans. But just last fri a terrible thing happend. His mother had a stroke. She is 40y.o and we all know the stroke was brought on by stress and it raised her blood presure sky high and led to stroke. My hubby took a few days off on emergency leave from San Diego to come and see her. She is okay now and back at home. 

The problem now is, he is so worried about her staying in the city that we are from (Oakland,Ca) because thats whats causing alot of the pressure. Family issues, financial,etc. So he thinks it would be a good idea to move her in with us so he know she is ok and will be able to see her often.. She has another 8y.o son and her brother living with her. So it would be a family affair ! I am NOT too happy about this. Keep in mind that my husband is a mamas boy and will do anything andd everything he can for her. I understand all of that but at the same time we are newlyweds. I dont even know how it is to live with my husband yet so bringing in a whole family is a bit much. What do you think? Am i being unreasonable.? 

I have nothing against his family. Its just i want to be able to be his wife, the number 1 lady in his life now. And by having mom-in-law around will not give me the chance to feel like that. Also keep in mind that we are both young (im 19 and he's 20) so theres alot of stuff that i still dont know about, like how to cook big meals and stuff like that. I just feel if she is there it might make me feel bad if he can just run to her eveytime he needs something instead of me. I know it sounds like jealousy but i just wanna be able to take care of my husband w/o her.

Anybody have this issue? If not i would still like to hear your opinions on it.

[Jennifer]

Congratulations on getting married!

I understand him wanting to move mom in with you two, but at the same time, I can only see a ton of problems arising from it. Perhaps suggesting she move closer? Especially with the additional people, it seems like a lot to throw into a fresh marriage. I would see what his thoughts and opinions, as well as his mom's, about her moving closer to you, but not under the same roof. Is the mom willing to up her life and move? What are her thoughts and opinions? It seems like a big decision for all parties involved. You're not being unreasonable. I don't think I would be able to have three additional people living with me if I just got married. Even in an established relationship, It could be a lot to take in. 

[Anti M]

No.  Too many people.  He won't be given BAH for more than you and him, they cannot move into housing.  Explain you love him, love her, but your marriage is too fresh to move his mother in.  It would be MORE stressful for her to uproot and have her in a new household. You would always be second fiddle and he shouldn't do that to you, to himself, to your marriage or to his mother.

Please don't let him do this.  I wouldn't allow it and I've been married 25 years!

Also, newlyweds need complete privacy to work out their new relationship, plus have nekkid hot monkey sex on every surface of their new home.  I am not kidding.

[Proud Girlfriend]

My boyfriend and I are getting engaged and we are both 19 as well!! He's graduating in 3 weeks!

[sailorwifenmom]

I absolutely agree with Anti M! I got married young (we were both 20) and we've been married 20 yrs and we have a child your age so I can see all "sides" of this. This is NOT a good idea. Maybe gently point out to him that it wouldn't be fair to EITHER of you - you or her - because you BOTH deserve to be the woman of your house, and that can't happen with her living with you.

Plus, why is her brother living with her that he would have to come and he's not capable of helping her out that she needs to move in with you all?? Is he disabled in some way that she is his caregiver (and now you would be) or is he perfectly capable and could care for her, and they happen to live together, or is he a mooch that would also be bleeding you dry now too?

However, honestly, while you need to stand your ground on this, be careful that you don't end up being the family "bad guy". Seriously, regardless of what your faith background is or how you feel about God, go talk to the Navy Chaplain about it, and ask your husband to go with you. Talk about your concerns and see what the Chaplain has to say. They are trained to provide marital (and other) counseling and advice and frankly I bet he / she will agree that this is NOT a good idea.

Plus, frankly at 20 yrs old, I really doubt that your BAH for that area is going to enough to afford a place to live that will be big enough for you all - you're talking about a 4 bedroom apt. IF you could find one that you could afford, then for your area, honestly, it's likely to be in a high crime area that will still be stressful and may also be in an area blacklisted by the military so you won't be allowed to live there. You can't have them live with you in housing - you WILL get caught and get in a LOT of trouble. The only way you could would be if you were able to prove that you all provided over 50% of her financial support - and they would NOT allow the adult brother.

Talk to the Chaplain and stick to your guns - your gut instinct that this isn't right is spot on. Good luck and please let me know what happens!

[NavyDoll Ebony]

He figures between our BAH, his income, and her disability check(since she had to take off work) would be enough for us to rent a 4 bedroom house. And her brother doesnt work but he steps in a lot to help her take care of her 8yr old because she is a single mom. And he does alot around the house because she was working long hrs.

[sailorwifenmom]

Still - this is a very bad idea. How about, since it was stress related, the uncle now get a job and she take care of things around the house? I've been a sahm, I'm not bashing him if that's basically what he is, a sand (even though he's the uncle) - but if my husband had a stroke and needed less stress (and he and I are the same age as your mil - we're 40 yrs old) then I would go back to work and let him stay home - NOT go to move in with my newly married son (though my son isn't actually married) - this is NOT good for your marriage.

[NavyDoll Ebony]

i totally agree ! Thank you

[CHN-B]

Im in the Bay Area & know the East Bay. Sorry to hear about the stroke.
I understand how u feel & ur dilemma. It's a difficult situation. I understand ur husband's feelings of responsibility to his mom. But I understand where ur coming frm & I would feel the same. Is there another adult sibling who can care for her? If not, here's my suggestion to help compromise if ur husband's really torn about this: if u guys r living on base, perhaps she & her 8 yo can get a place several miles off base. If u guys r living off base, perhaps u get a duplex. (How close she lives to u guys depends on how well u two get along). Or if ur getting an apartment, she can get a place in the same complex or in another one close by. This way she's close but not too close. It's important for u & ur husband to build ur own life together & u should be 'the leading lady' in his life. But also, if ur husband is reassured his mom is well, he will be happier & can devote more of himself to u. (IF u have a good relationship w his mom, maybe she can be of support to u when ur husband's deployed). But definitely don't live together.

[abuon18]

I can understand his worry about his mom but I have to agree with everyone else. No matter what is happening with his family as his wife you should be number 1 to him. When you got married you became a family and your views and opinions should be as important to him as his own.

By the way has he talked about this with his mom? Maybe she won't even want to move.

Anyway I can tell you because I live in San Diego that even with his income, BAH and her disability check you will not be able to afford the home you need. With BAH, my husband's income and my income (I also work full time) we pretty much have just enough money to cover our necessities (we live in a 2/2) and a little left over for fun. You would be constantly struggling and it would still be stressful to his mother.

Not to mention everything you brought up, and that you need to be able to figure out your marriage on your own. You not only deserve this time with your new husband, it is critical to a successful marriage. If he is being stubborn and won't listen to you please make him talk to an unbiased 3rd party like the marital counseling someone suggested. It's completely unfair to you and your relationship.

Best of luck!

[NuclearLove (13/041 12/28/12)]

After reading everyone's replies before adding my own - I'm think that the best course of action is suggesting that she moved into a cheap apartment near you guys and you both make an effort to visit as much as possible. I know newlyweds are supposed to have their space and privacy but under certain circumstances, sacrifices might have to be made.

Financially it would be way to hard for all of you to live in a place on your own, explain that to him. Maybe go the extra length to find apartments or condos they can afford near you and he'll start to see the better route.

But remember, you two are young. Your journey is just beginning. My husband and I are 23 and we haven't lived on our own yet. And it's because of finances. Eventually we will be ready, eventually we will have money - but until that time, got put aside traditions and pride and look at everything as a whole. Would I ever let my mother in law and her family move in with us? Probably.... not willingly but if it was temporary then yes. Think of him, and his mother and her 8 year old kid. They're your family now too.