Missed his phone call and feel AWFUL.

[Juliette]

So I posted here a little while ago after my fiance left for boot camp. I never received the "I'm here" phone call - and after much research and speaking to some of you - most told me sometimes it doesn't happen and you'll have to wait a few weeks to hear from him. So I accepted that. I haven't really had my cell phone glued to me all day and night because I just figured nothing would be happening for a bit. Well, foolishly, yesterday - mid afternoon, around 3:30pm - I was in my bedroom writing him a letter - ironically, and after I had finished I went out to my living room and looked at my phone. THREE missed calls...all in a matter of 3 minutes. I felt like death. He left me a voicemail and he sounded angry...a bit confused, upset and just not himself. He was pissed that he had ONE chance to call family and I didn't answer. After listening I cried for like 2 hours. Went to my mom's...cried to her. I just felt neglectful, upset and just so angry that I missed it. I had waited for it after he arrived! I stayed up half the night waiting. But then after feeling terribly guilty and upset I kind of got angry. I know he's probably going through SO much right now....but to be a bit mean to me? It was an accident I missed that call, and for the very small second he had time to yell...he could of said something kind, like he missed me....I've been writing to him since he left! It just has disappointed me now and don't know what to think.

I feel terrible still.....i wrote to him last night telling him I wasn't happy with that call. During the voicemail he told me he was fine, mentioned they were waiting on him while calling and then said it was hard and just stuttered for a second and told me to expect a letter from him in 3 weeks...just not him...and it worries me that this experience might change him - I dread it so badly. And the worst part is missing that call and knowing I won't hear from him again for quite a while. Ugh :(

[Juliette]

I've been learning now that my phone must live with me 24/7. It hasn't left my side since that missed call! That's pretty crazy that you're SR cried when he finally called you to talk! That's terrible....I can't really imagine the crap they go through while there...that's all I've worried about since the moment he left - what's he doing, where is he...who is he with...ect, ect. I've been obsessing. I've been with my fiance 2 years now...so it's so odd to have no communication, considering we were together 24/7 since the day we met.....it's so hard. It just feels strange, I can't adjust to it yet. I just hope he realizes I made a mistake and missed that call....there was no reason to be angry. I guess soon he will see once he gets the letters where i was, and the mistake i made!

[CHN-B]

Finding out more about boot camp & watching the videos helped me understand better. This whole process was new to me as well. My SR cried when he heard my voice on the ph after a month of no contact, & he's normally not that emotional. It gets better though, for him & for u. Hang in there & stay strong. :-)

BTW: it's also stressful while they're trying to make their call cuz a PO is always yelling at them to 'hurry up' or 'wrap it up'.

[CHN-B]

It is hard to miss a call, I know how u must be feeling. This whole boot camp experience is very emotional & tiring at times. Try to be understanding of him. Google info & videos on RTC boot camp etc so u can get a little insight in what he's been going through. They get yelled at a lot & what he needs frm u right now is some words of love & encouragement. For us, we have this network in addition to our families & friends we can talk to to get the emotional support we need. For them they have no one. They have no connection to the outside world except for the letters & a few ph calls (if they r lucky to get them).
My suggestion is to not send him any 'negative' letters. Someone on this forum said she wrote these letters when things got tough but never sent them because she wanted to be the strength for her guy. I did the same. I also leaned on my newly-found Navy family who understood completely what I was going through (better than my own family & friends).
I've read postings from moms on how their new sailors have matured through this process. My Navy sisters & I have talked about how our new sailors would change, if any. I just got back home frm my bf's PIR on 9/14, & he has changed: he now looks at me a little longer, kisses me a little deeper, & holds me a little tighter. (I'm understating the 'a little'). We made it through this, loving each other so much more. This whole process has been an emotional roller coaster for me. For us as a couple, it has brought us so much closer, which I did not think would be possible since we've never left each other's side & have talked about marriage.
U r always welcome to send me messages. I found my Navy sisters through my sailor's division Facebook group. They had husbands & boyfriends in the same division so we would mention in our letters to our sailors about who we've connected w. The guys get a kick out of it & we all felt more connected w them in there. My Navy sisters & I also exchanged #s so we would text eaother over a dozen times a day- this really helped w the emotional stuff. (even getting a 'good morning' text was uplifting. (I kept my ph w me 24/7- even in the bathroom. I left a message for him on my outgoing voice mail just in case & charged my ph when i know he's asleep & can't possibly make a call). Hang in there. Before u know it, u'll be looking forward to his PIR.
Dip deep inside yourself to find the strength to be strong for him. Lean on us & ur family for support. Google info on RTC & boot camp process so you can understand his situation better. Keep yourself busy. And most importantly, write to him as much as u can with words of love & support.

[Juliette]

Thanks so much for the support. It helps so much. I guess I shouldn't worry so much about the missed call, nor the fact of him changing much. He just sounded pretty miserable when he first called me - and he tried to brush it off, saying it was "kinda hard"...he also sounded as if he was going to say it was exhausting but he stopped himself and said, "whatever"...He just sounded odd. I know he's probably so frustrated and stressed. The letter I wrote him last night wasn't really negative. I just mentioned how I was disappointed with the tone he left - plus...if you heard the voicemail you may understand where I'm coming from. It started off by saying: "I can't believe this, they give us one chance to call our families, I've been trying to call you and you don't f*cking answer".....then he proceeded to say he was fine, ect. I think the cursing threw me off a little. I know he probably is so anxiety ridden, but still? It was a mistake and an accident that I missed that call! I just wanted to make that clear in the letter. I had just said for the moment you decided to curse, you could of used those few very small seconds to say you missed me....but I'll write him again tonight and tell him to just ignore my frustration in the last letter. It was an emotional day and I was just super super upset.

I checked the mail today and no form letter yet. He entered bootcamp on the 11th of this month - last Wednesday, so I'm assuming this week I'll get his PIR, and division and address. I'm so waiting for it terribly. I obsessively keep checking the mail. I really hope it comes this week - I want these letters to go out, even though I know he won't get them right away! That way once I know which division he's in I can connect with other girls who may be have a significant other with him. That will be nice! My phone has now been glued to my hip. I can't afford the stress of missing another unpredicted call of his if he gets another chance to give me one!!

[CHN-B]

I know how emotional & hard it must have been for u to hear his vm. My SR said they were yelling & cussing at them once they stepped off the plane, not even made it on base yet. Im sure that must be so frustrating to be belittled & yelled at but u can't say anything back. It sounds like the swear word u got on the message may have been frm the frustration built up. It'll be ok & he will adjust. This is the 'breaking down' period of the process for him.
I started writing to mine the night after he left. Waiting for that form letter to get his address was the longest 1.5weeks of my life. But I kept writing. The afternoon I got his address, I quickly rushed to the post office to try to make the last mail pickup for that day. My SR said he received my letters the 1st night they passed out mail & it made him feel really good. He said my letters were his comfort (& the food in there- haha). He said its tough in there where he couldn't even sit the way he wants.
So continue to write, it will mean a lot to him. & in a big way, it will be therapeutic to u that u can let him know how much u love him. Also, waiting for mail doesn't end w the form letter but gets worse! I stalked my mailman every day. And when there's no letter frm my SR, I wanted to stop the mailman & ask him "r u sure there isn't more mail for me at the bottom of ur bag"? Lol! I know it sounds crazy. But I lived to get his letters- to read his words & touch something that he had touched. :-)
Hopefully u'll get it by this Fri. Snail mail really means snail mail! Lol- been so used to texting.

[Juliette]

By now I think i'm over the slightly harsh voicemail - I know he's going through alot so it's understandable - more importantly he really never talks that down to me...so I know he was probably tired and just upset. I'm hoping as well that his form letter comes this week. Let me ask you, how did you send out your letters? Did you mail them at the post office and directly hand them your mail? Or did you just drop it off in the mail box? I think tomorrow I'm going to start packing up my letters ( I've been writing to him every single day since he left too!) - so I should start sealing the envelopes and have them ready to go. I want him to get them as soon as they start giving them their mail. I don't want him to feel anymore lonely than he already is....

I miss him so much still...it's sometimes so hard not to just break down and cry here and there. Somtimes it just feels better to let it out....plus, I can't wait to get home each day to write to him. All day I think about everything I want to tell him! It's the best part of my day, coming home at night and just writing him a letter :)

[CHN-B]

I go to the post office & drop it off in the slot there. I don't want too many people handling it & loosing it (even the postal worker behind the counter- lol). I know that sounds silly.
Once u start getting his letters it gets a little easier. Come online here & vent ur emotions, we r here to support u. Then u can go back to ur letters to ur fiancé more upbeat & positive. :-)
Go to this site if u haven't already: http://www.bootcamp.navy.mil (go to families). It will give u a guideline on letters to him plus more!
Glad to hear ur feeling a bit better. =)

[Juliette]

I completely know where you're coming from. But you must understand something - this is only week one for me. I think I'm BARELY at week one of this. I'm new to the military lifestyle. The only thing I can do is read about boot camp, and try to figure out what's fact and what's fiction. I do realize it's an extremely tiring and horrendous experience. But until I begin communicating with my fiance through our letters, it's very hard to really understand with what exactly he's dealing with right now. I'm in darkness. Also, the thing is - he CHOOSE to do this. And he's no young kid either. He's 31 years old....a late bloomer, had this dream for a long time and finally decided to chase it with me because I was probably the only girl he dated that allowed him to go through with it. I wanted him to do this because I knew how much it would make him happy. But he was well aware of the sacrifices we would have to make....and the extremities of boot camp and it would be far from easy for him. I know he's going through alot, but I just wasn't thrilled at how he snapped at me. I'm over it at this point. It's something lost that can't be given back - so we will just have to wait for our next time to talk to each other. I just simply let him know that his voicemail kind of unnerved me - and that was it. I think I should be allowed to express my feelings. I would never cause any type of drama with him while he's dealing with boot camp, that would be my last intention. Oh well....I just want time to pass to get through this process. It's miserable. I've wrote to him every single day since he left and each letter has been uplifting, and supportive. I don't take any of this lightly. It's just too hard to grasp right now for me....and until I finally get some news from him, and how he is...and what he's going through - i know my feelings will differ....I'm having a hard time right now.

[CHN-B]

These r unusual circumstances & a very emotional & stressful situation. Any rational & sensible person would be stretched to the limit. I felt like I was loosing my mind frm missing mine & not haven't a clue what to expect. I just knew I missed him & wished he was home next to me.
I did not realize ur SR is one of the older guys. Mine was too, at 36. Yep. He got the nick name 'grandpa' in boot camp (in an enduring way). Lol! There was another SR who was 38, one at 33, & another at 26. The rest ranged frm 17-19. Welcome to the 'older guys' club! Can u imagine the psychological toll it could take on someone who is older & wiser to be put under such restraints & control? But the good thing is he'll be smart enough to control his impulses. The younger guys may conform faster & easier but they may not have the maturity to adapt as fast. I can understand any frustrations he may feel. But as it will get better for u, it will get better for him in there as well.
Hang in there, u'll learn to get through this. And each day gets a little easier as u approach the midway mark, then after that things go by fast. Just keep ur ph on u 24/7 frm here on out. ;-)
Can't wait to hear when u receive ur form letter! Any day now!

[Juliette]

I know. I can't wait to get that letter either! I'm so excited for that. I keep checking the mail each day....so hopefully it shows up this week. He's been gone a week already....one down, 7 more to go i guess. So yours joined at 36? Crazy. Well yeah, mine is right there with yours...he'll be 32 in November. I always told him it was a crazy decision at this age and he'll be surrounded by young ones. I guess he didn't mind. But yes mine will be a grandpa too! haha. Too funny. How did yours do with boot camp...pass okay? Mine is in pretty good shape and healthy for his age so I'm hoping he passes good. I know he can do it but I can only imagine how difficult it is...especially being with the younger guys. When I get my form letter I'll be sure to to update!! :)

[CHN-B]

Mine did pretty well. He was promoted twice. Yay! He said overall boot camp was pretty disappointing. He was excepting to learn a lot more. He said its just a bunch of yelling & no matter how u do things, u never do it 'right'. So it was more frustrating than anything else. But I think boot camp is really to get the younger guys mentally prepared for the actual training. Most of the younger guys r leaving home for the 1st, 1st time on a plane, never have had a check book or credit card. So they go through a lot of basics. But he just went along with it. He said what he's learned is to appreciate his freedom & the little things in his daily life. He also said he's realized even more how much he loves me, appreciates me & how much he wants me in his life. (sigh =) yep, I'm a happy camper).
On the physical side, he was quite disappointed too. He's always been physically fit (six-pac, prof muy Thai competitor) so he was expecting them to workout intensively. He scored in the 18yo on the PTs. But he said he was starting to get out of shape from all the food & not enough exercise! I was surprised.
I think it's just mentally tough for most. But each will have their own experiences. Mine saw this as a stepping stone to get to the training part, the important part. He was anxious to get started with his career since he'd stalled for so long.

[Juliette]

That's funny. I hear so many different experiences...some act as if they're in a concentration camp and are being tortured, then others speak as if it wasn't as difficult as they say. So, it's hard to really grasp what's going on. I find it surprising that he said he was gaining more weight from eating and not exercising enough! That sounds crazy. I picture them being worked to death, and so exhausted by the end of the night.....I guess in due time I'll hear his experience and what he thought about it. I can't exactly say he's black belt or has a six pack lol, but he's a normal 5'10 guy, around like 165ish lbs....I would say he's pretty average and in shape. Not sure how he'll hold up. I guess time will tell. Mine entered as an E3 though. He has 4 years of college under his belt, so he's up in ranks. He just unfortunately could never find a job in his degree and pretty much had no interest in it - so he really wanted to take on the Navy. Is your guy still in school now...or finished? Is he active or reserve? Mine is Reserve....