Missed his phone call and feel AWFUL.

[Juliette]

So I posted here a little while ago after my fiance left for boot camp. I never received the "I'm here" phone call - and after much research and speaking to some of you - most told me sometimes it doesn't happen and you'll have to wait a few weeks to hear from him. So I accepted that. I haven't really had my cell phone glued to me all day and night because I just figured nothing would be happening for a bit. Well, foolishly, yesterday - mid afternoon, around 3:30pm - I was in my bedroom writing him a letter - ironically, and after I had finished I went out to my living room and looked at my phone. THREE missed calls...all in a matter of 3 minutes. I felt like death. He left me a voicemail and he sounded angry...a bit confused, upset and just not himself. He was pissed that he had ONE chance to call family and I didn't answer. After listening I cried for like 2 hours. Went to my mom's...cried to her. I just felt neglectful, upset and just so angry that I missed it. I had waited for it after he arrived! I stayed up half the night waiting. But then after feeling terribly guilty and upset I kind of got angry. I know he's probably going through SO much right now....but to be a bit mean to me? It was an accident I missed that call, and for the very small second he had time to yell...he could of said something kind, like he missed me....I've been writing to him since he left! It just has disappointed me now and don't know what to think.

I feel terrible still.....i wrote to him last night telling him I wasn't happy with that call. During the voicemail he told me he was fine, mentioned they were waiting on him while calling and then said it was hard and just stuttered for a second and told me to expect a letter from him in 3 weeks...just not him...and it worries me that this experience might change him - I dread it so badly. And the worst part is missing that call and knowing I won't hear from him again for quite a while. Ugh :(

[autibug]

I have read all the conversation that has been going on and you and I are in very similar situations. My fiancee is older (29) and is also going reserves. He left for BC on 8/22 and his PIR date is 10/19. I have felt all of the emotions you are feeling. I seem to cry over nothing at all and get angry over some of the stupidest stuff. My SR had wanted to do this for a long time also and finally just decided to do it. It was a hard decision for me to let him make but we talked a lot about it and I fully support him. I can't believe how hard it is at times though. Seems like my SR is even about the same height and weight and physical stature as  yours. He went in as an E3 also and he wasn't happy at his job either. Almost funny how similar the situations are.

[Juliette]

You best add me girl! I totally can agonize with what you're going through right now. At least you only have a few more weeks to go until you can see and talk to him! I have nearly 2 months left of this horrid situation. I haven't even received the form letter yet, and I'm itching to send out my letters to him so badly. But yes, I know your pain - I've been much better since the first week. The first two days were my worst. I cried for most of them. I work full time so I'm busy, and my work day is long, which right now I'm thankful for. It makes the days move quickly. I love coming here and communicating with you girls though - because you ALL understand! My mom has been annoying me lately...as she has no idea what with I'm dealing with and sometimes likes to poke fun at him being there, and being older...and probably suffering. Nothing vicious, but as of now this whole situation is now a reality to me....and I find NOTHING funny or amusing at this point because I know he's probably having a really tough time...and I'm in complete darkness with what he's up to. Coming home to my place is the rough part for me. If I'm out and about, i'm okay. Being at home reminds me of him....I miss coming home from work and he'd always cook me dinner - and I'd always complain at the mess he'd make. At this point, I wish i was coming home to that mess! We also have a little kitten, who he worried so much that would forget him when he left. I tend to think she realizes in her little head that he's not around though. He played with her often...so when I see her I think of him and get sad. I opened his closet one day and just cried. I don't even know over what though? Everything is just odd to me....I don't feel like myself. So i feel your angst, trust me. How has the letters been going between you two? I hope good! I really can't wait to hear from him. It sounds so creepy but it feels like a death to me....going from 2 years of constant togetherness....to absolutely nothing...silence. No phone calls...no texts....nothing. I miss it every single moment of the day. Hang in there though, you're so close! Are you attending his PIR? Add me as a friend and let's keep in touch! I need all the support I can get here...because none of my family or friends get what I'm dealing with....and it's only week ONE.

[CHN-B]

I think it's a mixture of those experiences. Mine said he wished he could learn more practical stuff. Although the PT was not as rigoruos as he thought (& he was starting to gain weight) they did work him a lot. He was sleep deprived & towards the end he said he was falling asleep at attention. Lol!! So it's not cut & dry as to easy or difficult but rather different aspects had diff experiences. Mine has just started A school in TX. He'll be there for 14 wks then on to C school for another 8 wks. Mine is reserve as well. =)

[sailorwifenmom]

It is hard when you miss their calls - even after boot camp. I remember a time my husband was on deployment and I had been at the commissary, then dealing with having been hit and run in the parking lot, just to get home and see I had missed his call by like 5 minutes. I just sat at my table and bawled my eyes out! (Lol - yes, I'm old - this was before everyone had a cell phone...)

But I think you did the right thing. YES - they are under a lot of stress right now, and YES, it is VERY important that we support them, and I do believe it's not a good idea to start dumping a lot of drama or extra stress on them while they're gone, whether it's boot camp or school or a deployment. BUT- at the same time, there are ALWAYS going to be times of stress in their Navy career. I'm not saying the whole time will be stressful, but there will be times that it happens, and some of those times will be a LOT more intense than boot camp (that's one of the reasons that boot camp is the way it is - the Navy needs to know if they will be able to handle those times). You need to be his "safe place" but that does NOT mean you need to be a sponge, absorbing the anger and frustration he feels at a Navy situation that he then takes out on you. It's not good for you, for him, or for your relationship. Be his support, not his "whipping boy", now or down the line.

There's nothing wrong with writing him and saying, "Honey, I love you so much, and I'm so proud of you. I know how hard this is on me, and I can only imagine it's 10 times harder for you! It broke my heart that I missed your call the other day, and I could tell it really bothered you, too. But I think we both need to remember we're on the same team here, and not attack or get nasty or tear each other down, especially in a voicemail or letter or anything. That's hurtful and it's just going to make it harder for both of us. I love you!" (Or something along those lines - lol, I'm NOT trying to dictate your letter, just trying to show what I was talking about as far as being supportive but not being willing to be a doormat for their anger and frustration, either...)

I know it's hard to miss a call, and the truth is, honestly, boot camp in some ways is like a deployment - there's no way to tell you when he will call or when you'll get a letter - not with any certainty. There are "usually" and "most people" and "for us" - but each one is going to be a bit different, because there are so many different variables... Just try to hang in there - this WILL get easier for both of you!

[Juliette]

Thank you! :) Oh...after I wrote him the letter I kind of crossed out a few things I said so he wouldn't read them. Although they weren't harsh, I figured it was pointless to upset him anymore than he already is. It's weird, because most men like to play it tough - some show emotion, some don't.....and some will act like dealing with this is a piece of cake - and my fiance was always the type to act as if stuff wasn't "that hard"....so I'm wondering now if he's finally broken down and realizes how difficult this is. It would actually be nice to see his weakness. He's not macho by far, but he never acted like much got to him - so I'm dying to know what he's dealing with right now. He even left saying that being apart 2 months is NOT that bad....but now I wonder, is he sad and missing me? He actually is in reserves - so once he's finished camp, he goes to A-school for 4 months then comes home to do duty one weekend a month. I'm much grateful for that scenario, rather than active duty. I couldn't imagine being apart all the time - I don't know how some of these girls do it! Of course, there's always risk of deployment as well.

But thanks for the encouraging words. I'm not a drama starter lol, so I never went to far with the missed call and his angst that he shared. Every single letter I've written has been extremely good - supportive and very loving. So hopefully that helps him pull through. Also - the phone has been glued to my hip lol - there will be NO more missed calls for me LOL...I hope!!

[autibug]

Trust me when you get the first few letters you will realize how much they love you! Your SR sounds a lot like mine. Not a macho man but definitely it shouldn't be "that hard." I had numerous times where I would break down and fall apart. I went through horrible depression the first two weeks he was gone but decided I couldn't live like that for too long and ended up finding something to keep me busy. I was already working full time and going to school and it still wasn't enough so I added even more. I know what you mean by weekends being the hardest. I still struggle with them. Even if you do have his address you can send them but they don't get the letters just because they get there they have to wait until their RDC allows letters.  

[Juliette]

I look forward to the letters....I probably won't start getting any for another week and a half though. He left on 9/11. So i'm at the stage where it's silence - I assume the worst part is the first two weeks? I still feel horrible missing that first call. That may of held me off for a few. It's just dreadful thinking of going most of October with not talking to him over the phone at all - i guess if he's lucky he'll get that second call. But as of right now I feel like there's no end in sight.