Over Stressed about Marriage!!!! Ughhh!!

[bittersweet914]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now, our anniversary in Oct 22nd and he leaves for boot camp Oct 29th (how lucky.....i get to be with him for our anniversary). We have been talking about marriage and he has made it very clear that we are getting married, "BUT" he wants to wait until after boot camp because he wants to ensure that I can handle the distance the we have to come. I understand and respect his decision, but I have to admit it is very stressful. I find myself researching marriage in the navy almost everyday and I understand that it is better to get married before bootcamp to cut back on stress and unnecesarry time spent on paper-work, investigations etc... I have explaind this to him, but his reply is "i no baby, but I dont want to rush marriage" I mean come on it's only a few months ealier that what he has planned or why not a proposal to give me that security. I am trying to remain clam and hide my tears/frustration. I just wish I could get him to understand where I am coming from, but I have to admit I love him and I see us in this relationship for the long hall, so with that being said I am sucking it up and standing by his side and after boot camp I will just have to see what happens. After all the last thing I want to do is rush him!

 

Has anyone been in this situation before? Any advice?

 

[C's girl]

Hey I have been with my man for 5 years oct 13 and we are still not engaged :( he leaves for bootcamp dec 9 so o thought we would be engaged for a while now and married by November :( but at the end of the day he is a man and it seems like they think A LOT different then us :( I understand marriage is scary hell I am nervous for all the unknown that is coming my way as being a navy wife but I love him more then anything and will do anything for him even be a navy wife! ;) just wish we could slap our man to realize the women they have!!! But you want him to be 100% ready and never question it! That's how I am thinking at least! It's helpin but I still cry not going to lie... But I did also tell me boyfriend I really want to get married before he leaves and he said he does too! He knows he wants to marry me he jut wants to make sure I and him can handle this life style... Good luck to you sorry I dont have advise... Just letting you know your not alone I guess!

[bittersweet914]

First off, happy early anniversary to you guys. I have to agree men are on a different ball field when it comes to "THINKING" and it's great to know that I'm not along.

I wish you the best of luck and thank you for the input.

[beachmom76]

Oh, BSweet...I can understand your desire to get married before he leaves, but I have to agree that he has a good point.  Far better to find out how you both cope with separation BEFORE you are married, rather than after.  The paperwork and logistics will sort themselves out, they always do. But you both need to know whether or not your relationship can stand the test of separations; boot camp is a great way to find out.

It might also be easier for him while he is at boot camp to know that you are safe, at home, living the life you know.  Granted, he will be gone, but in his mind, he can picture you doing everything you used to do.  My husband always handles deployments better when he knows what my life is like (home, work, school, friends, family) rather than when some major change has taken place.

I have been married to a Sailor for 29 years; we have experienced every change you can imagine (18 moves, one baby born during deployment).  My job during all these years has been to show that, whatever the circumstance, my love for him will not change.  That Richard Marx song, "Waiting for You," has pretty much become my theme song.

This is your opportunity to show him that you love him by being willing to wait. Remind him of what you just wrote,  "I love him and I see us in this relationship for the long hall, so with that being said I am sucking it up and standing by his side"

You can do this!

 

[bittersweet914]

You help me to view things differently in this situation, for example him being at ease because he will be familiar with my daily routine verses stressing about how I'm taking being a single newly-wed. Your theme song has just been added to my playlist... Thank you for that. I appreciate all of your advice and have taken it to heart considering you a veteran. I am definitely going to show my love by waiting for however longs he wants me to.

Thank you, and special thanks to your husband for all his service.

[abuon18]

Maybe he just isn't ready even though you are. It's frustrating after being together for so long I'm sure. My husband's friend has been with his girlfriend for about 3 or 4 years and is waiting until after they go through a deployment to propose and get married. Maybe he needs the time apart to see how he deals with it. The best thing is to just be there for him, make it through bootcamp and show him you'll continue to be there for him. I'm sure he's heard horror stories of gf's cheating and leaving their bf's while in bootcamp or deployed and while you love each other maybe it freaked him out. Not saying he's doubting you but if you've bever been apart it's smart of him to want this time to see how you eaxh handle it. Some people can handle distance and some people, no matter how much you love each other can't. This may be more aboit him than about you. Bootcamp is only 2 months, so really, what's another 2 months of waiting if you love him and are going to spend the rest of your lives together?

[bittersweet914]

As bad as it may feels, you are right, It is only 2 months. I just pray this brings us closer in the end.

[abuon18]

Trust me it will. Your concerns are totally normal. All through bootcamp I was worried that he was going to change his mind about me and not want to be with me anymore... And the weeken of his graduation he ende up proposing! This is a once in a lifetime experience that will strengthen your relationship like nothing else will and if he needs this time, let him have it. He'll appreciate you so much more afterwards for understanding that he needed it and being there for him through a tough time!

[bittersweet914]

Awww, that is wonderful! I trust him and have learned to repesct his wish to wait. The last thing I want to do is stress him our before bootcamp. Hearing your story gives me hope and comfort.

I've found a quote that really touched me...... 

"The path that leads to happiness is so narrow that two can not walk on it unless they become one"!

With that being I shall remain humble and understand that he stole my heart and in due time I will steal his last name.

[tehlilone (Ship 12 Div 371)]

Couldn't agree more with the previous posters. It sounds like he's thinking about your relationship and future more than you give him credit for. He wants to make sure things will last without the obligation of marriage. You shouldn't have to get married our engaged to be reassured when he leaves. Have confidence in your man ;)

I would also like to point out that it sounds like he's already in DEP. If you get married before he leaves he needs to report the change of status to his recruiter. This will require additional paperwork and background/credit checks. It could also push his ship out date farther back since he'll essentially have to reapply with the new status. At least that's what I was told concerning my fiance. Unless you're worried about benefits I'd worry less about getting married before he leaves and more about what you're going to do with the remaining time you have left with him before he goes. Above all else treasure it :)

[bittersweet914]

He may be thinking about our relationship and future above anything and trust me when I say I do not take that for granted. I honestly didn't feel like reconfirming our love with a legal title was wrong. We live together, have a handsome child together, and lets not forget about the wifely duties (cooking, cleaning, errands, etc...). I guess I figure since I'm performing a wife role day to day then I DESERVE the title!!

[meagan5220]

I can understand why that would be so stressful especially when you see girls freaking out about getting married in A school and getting paper work figured out. Its actually pretty easy once you get it all lined up and whatnot.

 

Leaving for BC is a very confusing and stressful times for the guy. My husband almost didnt leave. He was so confused and stressed and irritated. He didnt know if he was doing the right thing, if I would still be there (we werent married yet), he kept thinking maybe he could do better staying out of the Navy, and he didn't want to leave home. And so many other thoughts were going through his mind. I felt bad for him he was so anxious and stressed.

 

So what I am trying to say is he seems like he really does want to marry you but he is scared of the future, scared of the unknown. It may be that he needs or wants something to stay the same so he has something that is constant. Boys are silly and their reasoning doesnt always make sense. Sit down and talk to him and just let him know that its also a stressful time for you and its upsetting you and why. I wouldnt suggest trying to force him of course but just tell him you want to calmly talk about it and get your feelings out. I am sorry you are dealing with this but keep your chin up lady!

[bittersweet914]

Forcing him is something I surely do not want to do. I want to marry him, not run him away lol :) It is very evident that he wants me as his wife I was just confused as to why after bootcamp. We had a discussion today and he made it clear that he's scared that I may not take the separation well because in the last past 3 years we have only been separated for a week when I took a trip out of town. So the only thing I can do is shore him that I am her forever through separation and any additional obstacles that may come our.way.
Thank you sooooo much!