what to do?

[mollybub]

Ladies, I am distraught. My SR and I spoke on the phone on Tuesday, and all he wanted was to come home. And then, when I received the letter he wrote and sent on Sunday, all he talks about is getting out of the Navy and being home with me every night. I have no idea what to do, especially since I can't call him up and talk about it... I have to say it all in a letter, and I'm not sure what to say. Because, obviously, I want him home with me more than anything in the world, but I want what's best for him too. We decided the Navy was best when he joined, but now he is telling me in his letter that he was wrong, that the Navy is wrong for him. He is so unhappy. 

I don't know what to do. I miss him and love him so much, and I am willing to do anything to be with him. As I've said, I have been planning to go to him during A school so we can get married and I can live on base with him when he gets his orders, and while he does want to do that, it seems that he wants to come home more than anything... he is regretting his decision to join the Navy. What can I say to him? How do I support him? Please help. I'm so worried about him...

[meagan5220]

lol I know some girls try to do it. Its very hard to do and I think just causes more stress and of course opens your sailor up to getting in trouble. You might have mentioned before but where is he going to A school? I would start researching now what you need to get married there and getting it all together so you are prepared on your end :) I would say keep your options open for sure. :) Also, know that a lot of places have quite a wait list to get in to some of them.

 

Its not as easy now that we moved to VA. The BAH for the area we live in is like 150$ less than what it should actually be for a good place. We just got lucky this time to find a place for cheap. We moved to a house because I brought my big pup with me this time. I couldnt take her to WA so my parents kept her. Either way the BAH for where I live is super skewed. Remember the Navy will only move you once so if you end up moving off base you will do that by yourself. Just something to keep in mind. My husband is an AM. I would by lying if I said deployment didnt suck lol. I also moved across the country by myself in the middle of it. We got extended twice during the deployment. The second just four days after the first . My husband was very cranky lol. But honestly it wasnt like I was beyond depressed or couldnt cope with him being gone. Typically most days I was fine. I am very independent so it helps a lot.  Communication was pretty good. He got to email almost every day. His ship wasnt allowed on facebook. They had phone calls too. I would suggest for deployments getting the number on the card and calling and adding minutes yourself. Mostly because they run out of those cards as they approach holidays and ports. In ports they can typically skype if there is a USO. Calls can be hard to make in ports. I had my husband just call from the ship. Too pricey in port. After the Navy (yes we will be getting out after this enlistment) he is going to use his GI bill or if he has time he will start before, to go back to school probably to get his welding done and possibly to get certified for Airplane mechanic in the civilian world. Welding is a good area to go into. Especially if we stay in VA unless they really cut the defense budget as much as they plan. lol We have two more years.

 

You are welcome. :) I know its hard and it sucks to be in between. lol I have been there multiple times. Just keep trucking and when you start getting info you can start doing research and it will make you feel more in control. and help you feel like you are moving forward.

 

lol no worries I tend to ramble too!! :)

[mollybub]

I've heard they are told before PIR that they are NOT allowed to get married on liberty, and I know my guy wouldn't want to break the rules, haha - and I wouldn't let him! :) His A school is in Pensacola, FL. I have started looking in to what we will need, and I've started pricing flights to get down there, and hotels in the area... I'm hoping I can stay with a relative, but that probably won't pan out. There's also the fee to consider, and the waiting period... lots to think about! When you say wait list, what exactly are you referring to?

When you say that the Navy will move you, what does that mean, exactly? My fiance is going to A school for AM! What did you do while your husband was deployed? School, work? I am hoping to go to school for ultrasound technician while my fiance is in the Navy, and I've heard that the Navy will help spouses with their education in some ways. I would like to work as well, to save money. My fiance wanted to do what your husband is going to do - use his time in the Navy to set him up for a job in the civilian world, as an airplane mechanic. So you have two more years - how many years has it been so far? And have they really been totally and completely awful?

It definitely helps to do the research and start figuring out what the next steps will be, once he's out of boot camp. Like you said, it offers a sense of control. 

More questions - if you don't mind me asking, how old were you and your husband when you married? How did you make the transition in to being a Navy wife? When did you move to be with your husband, after you got married? Thank you for being so patient and willing to talk to me!

[meagan5220]

lol yeah they are. Some ladies are like I dont care what the rules are we will get married!!! lol but yea my husband was like no we arent doing that lol and I agreed bc I wasnt gonna deal with it! plus I had to get through a blizzard to even get to his PIR lol! The fee is about $130 if you pay with cc. No waiting period if neither of you are FL residents. A lot of bases have wait lists for housing or if you do get on base right out of the gate honestly its usually the older housing. So you would either have to stay home and wait or try to find a month by month lease until you get on to housing. I dont do well with waiting lol so thats another reason I didnt want to deal with housing.

 

If you are on the orders when they are issued it will say dependent travel is authorized which will pretty much mean they will pay for you to move to the new duty station (unless he is overseas for his first assignment.) But that means they will pack and move your belongings, pay for you guys to drive to the new duty station, and give dislocation allowance for things you might have to pay for (he will have to apply for this seperately) Their is a grant program for spouses but it can only be used for certifications and stuff like that. not actual higher education. And its $2000/fiscal year and a total of $4000. Its a grant from the govt. The Navy doesnt have any programs for spouses really. Have your fiance look into embry riddle college. When he gets to his first duty station he can use the Navy college to clep out of classes for free if he wants and then Embry Riddle has a bachelors in AM. We have been in two years. honestly for us its been a pain mostly bc he hates it so much and we have gotten screwed over so much since getting in. His senior chief has lied about claiming he called me to tell him stuff since my number was on his contact stuff and saying I didnt tell him. Its been a mess. There have been a lot of things. so its been hard. But I have handled it better than him. He feels bad bc he thinks he made the wrong choice for us.

 

My husband and I were 21 when we got married. Honestly I made the transition ok. I was finishing up with my school and moved after that... I really dont like the title Navy wife. I feel like its a role and I dont like the conotations and implications that come with it. I am married to my husband who just happens to be a sailor. I just look at it a different way bc we seperate his Navy life from our life as much as possible :) I moved as soon as he graduated a school to his first duty station! :) You are very welcome! ask away! Gives me something to do too! which is nice!

[mollybub]

Oh, no waiting period? Did you marry your sailor in Florida? If so, any tips for me? Haha :) I'm going to call the county office when the time gets closer to verify everything so I can be better prepared. What I am hoping to do is stay with my parents here in CNY until we are off that dreaded "waiting list". I have heard of it, and I hope that it's okay for me to stay out of state until a place opens up for us.

Okay, that is reassuring to hear! I have heard many people say that the Navy will pay for the move, but nobody has ever really explained what that means. I will look in to the grant program further. Research has definitely helped with him being gone, haha, definitely helps me get prepared. Also, thank you for the suggestion! I can't wait until my fiance is out of boot camp, so we can actually talk about everything. That is the hardest part of this. I'm sorry you've had such a terrible experience - your husband sounds like a great guy, and it figures that he would be the one to have to deal with all of that. I admire you for being strong for him through all of it - I hope I can be that way for my fiance. 

I think you have a really great attitude! Very positive, and I hope I can learn and remember to be that way, as my fiance and I move forward. 

Now, more questions - have you guys struggled financially on a Navy salary? If it's too personal, I'm sorry, feel free to disregard the question! Was it really difficult for you to move away from your family to be with your husband? Have you ever had any regrets? Anything else I should be prepared for, when I move to be with my future husband?

[meagan5220]

Yup sure did got married at the courthouse downtown Pcola :) If you google the county (cant remember the name) but they have all the requirements of what you need and what you need to do. If you can stay down there a few days it would be good to go ahead and change your name with the social security office down there while he is at work so look that up too! I got my ID down there because its easier with your sailor there but some of the ID people there will not use your married name on your ID unless you have proof from the SSA you are changing it. Thats what happened to me. As far as staying out of state I dont know the exact rules as far as your sailor having somewhere to live while that is happening. That you will have to do some research about. There are restrictions and rules about doing geo-bachelor (that is what its called when sailors live at their command while family lives somewhere else) He has to request it but they do not have to give them a barracks room so I wouldnt count on that. Definitely look at all your options in regards to that. Honestly living out in town in 90% of places really works out well. :)

 

Yup they will pay for it. Just make sure he requests that money!! Its not combined with the move by its like an extra box or some commands have them fill out paperwork. My husband had to do some paperwork since we were in the middle of deployment but I know the other time he just checked a box. Then would have had to keep all reciepts (keep em all!!!) and turn them in. Its really hard when you cant talk to them but I promise you will quickly learn know more than he will lol. I knew about the first extension before the ship even left last deployment and my husband didnt want to believe me... so when he heard he just emailed me and said you were right... again lol! Ahh thanks :) I think its just everything starts to build and the higher ups see he has started to get frustrated and instead of trying to help out they just do things that are making it harder for him. Like putting him in a shop he shouldnt have been in because he didnt have a C school then getting in trouble bc he doesnt know what he is doing! lol sorry my little vents keep popping up!!! haha. Thanks :) I figure life can always be way worse. My baby sister broke her back in 4 places at the age of 12 and it pretty much ruined her softball career and she is so upbeat about it and positive so it has taught me a lot. :)

 

Financially we have always been fine. Right now we are struggling a little mostly bc we just went home for 3 weeks lol! but otherwise when we lived in WA which is a very expensive place to live even as an E1/E2 we were still saving over $500 a month and thats without me working. In VA its been a little harder since we had to find a little bit bigger house and the BAH is very skewed over here. They keep talking about how its going to be changed here next year so we shall see. During deployment I got a pretty good job for a few months and saved a bit of money. but even after moving to VA I was still able to save almost $1000 a month. Saved soo much during deployment! It has been very hard to leave my family. I have four little sisters the youngest of which is 3 years old. Thats been the hardest for me bc she doesnt understand why we keep leaving. It breaks my heart when she gets upset about it. But I also talk to them a lot on skype which helps so much! and facebook is a great tool to stay in contact with them too!! Its also good for us because like for holidays it will force us to do stuff for ourselves! The last two thanksgivings we have spent so much time running around for everyone else I didnt even enjoy it. So this year we finally get to just spend time together. :) Regrets.. no. I am a very firm believer that you cannot live life that way. Lessons learned yes :) found out some true friends, and some that werent, realized that I have to remind my husband and his family that my family is just as important and deserve just as much time as they do. Just because he is the one serving doesnt make my absence any easier for my family. I would say be ready for things to go wrong, to be frustrated, to explore new areas, for things to never be done in a logical way lol!, to meet new people, and make some great life long friends!! Start saving, start figuring out how to budget, start a file for your job hunt as you move around. Keep a list of numbers for references, keep a running list of places you have worked with salaries, managers, numbers, etc. :) get all your important paperwork together! I would suggest a firesafe box for that stuff!

[meagan5220]

also AHRN.com is a great website for house hunting :)

[mollybub]

You know, I never looked at it that way - that he will regret leaving in the future, and will forever be disappointed in himself. If he gave up, it would follow him forever. Thank you for offering your thoughts, because I am definitely going to mention that in my letter to my fiance tonight, to build him up! To give him more reasons to stick it out. Thank you so much!

Even though the Navy was never my SR's dream - he's always just wanted to do his time and get out, haha - it still will be a major accomplishment for him. He will be so proud of himself, and I will be so proud of him. Both of us have to focus on that.

[Dina0106]

Encourage him as much as you can and don't feel bad. At first I felt a little upset when I received my SR's letter during his 3/4th week where he was a little miserable. But now he says he is adjusting well, and he feels proud of himself that he can push himself through to do what he thought he couldn't. Greatest feeling in the world is knowing that you can push yourself to the brink and succeed.

remind him it was after all his choice and buckle up, some tough love never hurts.

[mollybub]

I hope my fiance starts to adjust... hopefully in his next letter there will be some improvement! All I can do is encourage him, like you said, and I did try some "tough love", although I was pretty mild, haha. I tried to do it in a way that was both stern AND uplifting, you know? It's a hard formula to follow :/ 

[sailorwifenmom]

I know it's hard for both of you right now, but just keep reminding him (and yourself) that bootcamp is only 8 weeks, and you can do this! I remember how much I hated it, I know my husband did, too, and our son wasn't thrilled with it, either. I even remember waking up in A school, going "oh, s#!$ I joined the NAVY!" I can honestly say that even with this start, I have loved being a Navy family. Because it does get easier. Once he gets out of boot camp, it will get better, and then again once he's done with school.

Just keep reminding him, this is a marathon, not a sprint - and the first part of the course us uphill. The first bit is really hard, but you have to just push through it until you hit your stride so to speak, but once you do, and once you crest that hill and level out, it's much better!

[mollybub]

Thank you for your encouragement! It really does help to hear positive things, from others who have already been through it. I just have to keep writing him and preoccupy myself with getting ready for the future - mainly by working, to save money, haha. 

I think it will all be worth it when we finally reunite, as cheesy as that sounds. We just miss each other so much! And it will be even better when we are married, and are able to live together on base... just have to hold on for the future!

[Dina0106]

Yeah it is, but that's how it is when you love someone, his next letters should start getting better, always remember when you gethe letter he could already be feeling completely different.