what to do?

[mollybub]

Ladies, I am distraught. My SR and I spoke on the phone on Tuesday, and all he wanted was to come home. And then, when I received the letter he wrote and sent on Sunday, all he talks about is getting out of the Navy and being home with me every night. I have no idea what to do, especially since I can't call him up and talk about it... I have to say it all in a letter, and I'm not sure what to say. Because, obviously, I want him home with me more than anything in the world, but I want what's best for him too. We decided the Navy was best when he joined, but now he is telling me in his letter that he was wrong, that the Navy is wrong for him. He is so unhappy. 

I don't know what to do. I miss him and love him so much, and I am willing to do anything to be with him. As I've said, I have been planning to go to him during A school so we can get married and I can live on base with him when he gets his orders, and while he does want to do that, it seems that he wants to come home more than anything... he is regretting his decision to join the Navy. What can I say to him? How do I support him? Please help. I'm so worried about him...

[missingmygiant]

Mollybub~ I have sent you a message on here, not sure if it actually sent or not, it's hard to navigate this site using my phone. I am here if you need to talk, let me know if you got my message/friend request =)

[Eryn]

My SR said that he has some classes not run by his RDC's and that the teachers are usually pretty chilled out and joke around with them. He said those teachers told them that this (as in boot camp) is not what the Navy is really like and it is just to make the recruits stronger and weed out the people that really don't want to be there. 

So maybe tell him to try and stick it out and be strong because it's not going to be like boot camp for the next four years (if that's how long he signed up for active duty). Remind him that it will also be different once he is able to live with you and communicate with you more regularly. I think that my SR is not saying these things to me and staying pretty upbeat in his letters so that I don't worry too much, but I think they all go through this. I have a friend that attends the Naval Academy and he sent me a long message on facebook right before my boyfriend left and he said that I will most likely get letters saying how depressed he is and how he made the wrong choice and wants to quit and that's completely normal and will go away with time or even last until boot camp is over. 

Just encourage him as much as you can and if you can help it don't let him know how much you would love it if he was home too and how rough of a time you're having. I  vent to my mom about that stuff because I know if I wrote my boyfriend that I was really sad and cried a lot it would stress him out and make things that much harder. I know it is tough being the strong one because that was never my role before, but just staying upbeat and telling him that you miss him but you're doing okay and that you're proud of him and how before you know it it will be graduation and you'll see him (if you're going to PIR). Even if you don't necessarily believe all of those things he really needs the support and encouragement. 

[mollybub]

Last night, when I wrote the letter, I said everything I could think of to encourage him. I even reminded him that he signed a contract, because that alone is something he needs to remember - that he made a commitment. I outlined a plan too, haha, a tentative one, but I hope it makes him feel better, to know I'm thinking of our future. Because his main problem is missing me, I know, and sometimes I'm surprised by how much... but then again, I wasn't expecting to be as lost without him as I am :/ 

And while I definitely tell him how much I miss him, love him, need him, I do it in a way that is reassuring. That I'm by his side, no matter what. That's always kind of been our motto - no matter what, we've got each other's backs. (Taken from a song, actually.) 

What Ship/Division is your SR in? Maybe my fiance is in the same one!

[Eryn]

That's awesome and keep up the encouraging mail! My boyfriend is ship 04 division 021.

[mollybub]

Oh, I will - I send a letter off to him every single day! He needs it. He says my letters are the only thing keeping him there :/

Huh, guess our SRs are not together - my fiance is in Ship 03, Div 017. Does your boyfriend graduate 11/21 as well?

[LittleMissRed]

Nope :) Both of ours graduate the week after, 11/30  (33 days!)

[mollybub]

Only a week and a half after my fiance graduates! I hope the times flies for you... it goes both ways for me, haha. Depends on the day.

[LittleMissRed]

I can full understand that! LOL 

[meagan5220]

My husband hated BC and still to this day hates the Navy. It could be that we have been screwed so many times I feel like a 25 cent hooker somedays. but I knew this lifestyle wasnt for him before he joined. Sometimes they have to figure it out for themselves. My husband and I are looking at it in a different way, I told him ya know what first off it could ALWAYS be worse... so I pretty much told him to suck it up and get over it. I dont deal with pity parties lol life sucks and often when you are young you have to pay dues. I took 18 hours every semester in college and worked 2-3 jobs it sucked, I hated it but I did it. We made a plan about how we will be able to use this time and save up for our first house and pay off two brand new cars before his enlistment is up. We only budget based on his income and we just moved but my income will be used to pay off the car we have now and save up for more down paymets and the future. That way when we get out we will have two new cars and savings for a house. Most pepole our age arent even close to that but if we can get that done when we get out and move home and we are looking for jobs we will be that step ahead of the curve and be able to have a little bit of security. I told him we have to take advantage of this time with a for sure income and use it to our advantage. I of course am super supportive of him and proud of him. And in BC I would suggest just keep writing encouraging letters. I had a countdown to the minute at the end of each letter when we would see each other again and he loved it. Send pictures and talk to him about your future together! It helps them a lot. Dont let him dwell on the negative and dont let his negative comments get you down for now. Just a little bit more and yall can sit down and talk about it. My husband and I just talked about this last night because he has gotten to the point where all he focuses on is how much the Navy ruins his life or has messed stuff up. I told him he has got to stop focusin on the negative and enjoy our life together. :)

[mollybub]

Seeing as you have some experience, I wanted to ask you a few questions - if that's okay :)

- When did you marry your husband? Before BC? After? During A school? That is what my fiance and I are trying to do, and I wondered how that went for you.

- Do you live on base with your husband, or off base? How do you like it? How often do you see your husband? Has he been deployed?

- Any other advice?

Sorry this turned in to a questionaire, but I would like the opinion of an experienced Navy wife! :)

[meagan5220]

lol I dont mind at all :) Gotta help each other out!

 

My husband and I got marred in A school I wouldnt suggest doing it PIR weekend. These days dont want to give them a reason to get them in trouble. It went ok for us. We almost didnt get married bc his LPOs said not to fill out the chit then the chief got mad he didnt so if anyone tells your sailor no make sure he asks his Chief!!! lol Lesson learned tehre!

 

As far as where we live. Definitely off base! lol I wont be living on unless we go somewhere that you have to live on base. lol too much drama as it is!! lol I hear crazy stories about base housing and stuff that goes on! My husband and I like to have some space away from the Navy. We live out on town for about the same price as we would on base. In WA we were living in a cheap apt that was still nice but we ended up paying our rent, all our bills, cable, car payment, and car insurance with our BAH so we were saving quite a bit of money! lol I see my husband everyday now. He just got back from an 8 month deployment (when he left it was supposed to be for 5 months) He works weird hours now which sucks especially when I get a job. He works 200 pm to 10 pm. but he doesnt have duty days. So its sort of like you win in one area and lose in another. He never gets off when he should usually he gets home about two hours after he is supposed to.

 

Oh advice.. I could give you so much advice!! lol I have told a few ladies I can do better if you ask specific question about your situation just bc sometimes I will tell people stuff and it doesnt apply to them because of their sailor's situation. I am more than willing to answer any questions though! my biggest piece of advice is to learn to be happy by yourself! Its hard but it makes it easier if you can manage to stay upbeat even with your sailor gone (which doesnt make you a bad SO either.) It makes the time go by faster when you are happy then if you are moping. Also, learn to be secure in your relationship.  alot of girls find it hard to remember their sailor still loves them even if they arent able to tell them that.

 

My fav quote is from Winnie the Pooh. Its Christopher Robin to Pooh :)

 

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”

[mollybub]

Oh, I wouldn't dream of it happening PIR week, haha - I know that's out of the question! Also, I'm heading to Great Lakes with his mom, and I'm not sure how she'd feel about it... she will probably need time to process the idea of him and me getting married!

I'm definitely impressed that you can pay not only your rent, but so much else with the BAH! I can only hope that my SR and I can be so lucky, if we live off base. I think we plan to live on base, to start with, but maybe we could move off base, once he was settled. So here's a question - what is your husband's job? And how was the deployment, for you? What was the communication like? Also, I assume that your husband is getting out of the Navy ASAP, as he hates it so much - what is he planning to do afterwards? Will he try to get a job based off what he did in the Navy? How much longer does he have to stay in? 

So, so many questions - hope I'm not overwhelming you! But I really appreciate your answers! They give me a better idea of what to expect, haha.

Thank you for the advice! I do need to work on is being happy by myself. I think I will be better, when we are married and working towards our future. I'm in a weird place now, that feels like limbo - waiting for my fiance, so I can move to be with him. Really need to get out of my parent's house. I'm just ready to start my life, and to start building it with him. Waiting isn't the fun part, for sure :/ But, I'm happy to say that I am feeling secure in our relationship! I had my doubts in the first couple of weeks, when I didn't have any communication with my fiance, but they all went away the moment I got his first letter. I know without a doubt now how much he truly loves me - it's just the separation that's getting me down now, you know?

I love, love, love that quote! I actually sent it in a letter to my SR a couple of weeks ago! I think he appreciated it, because he sent me a quote in return :)

Whoa, long response! Hope you can handle it, haha! :)