Big Old Ball of Hurt

[Anti M]

With the holidays coming up, some of you are going to have a Thanksgiving or Christmas without your sailor for the first time.  Some of you are already experiencing special days alone for the first time.  It hurts, it hurts a lot.  Perhaps you can help each other.  Share your thoughts, your tricks, or just vent away.

So here you are, a big ball of pain in your heart, what do you do?  

First, such feelings are perfectly normal.  We're all used to a certain way of celebration, of holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, even what we expect leading up to a wedding or the birth of a child, or a graduation.  And now the Navy had changed your life, changed all the expectations you have of your life.  You're right to be upset.  

I still have holidays alone, even as retired Navy, hubby has a job on the road.  Family and friends aren't always around, so sometimes I am on my own.  Do I get lonely?  Yes, of course.  Do I get upset?  Not much anymore, I've let loose of most of my expectations of what a "normal" holiday is.  So what do I do?

I often decorate the house and make that effort, even if it is for me alone.  I don't ignore the holidays, I enjoy the little things which mean a lot to me.  I stuff my own stocking, I hang up my special ornaments, I make strawberry French toast on Christmas morning.  I treat myself well, because if I don't, no one else will.  Basically, I distract and pamper myself.  I don't often cry about my empty times, and know that a date on the calendar is just that.  What I do with it is up to me.  

I count my blessings when I'm down.  I have love, a good little life, a comfy home, bills are paid, my cats are safe, and I live in a country where I have running water and electricity and stuff like the internet.  I can call my husband most of the time if I need to talk to him.  My neighbors aren't criminals.  Mostly, I'm thankful I'm alive, and hubby is alive, and we'll have time together soon enough.  I don't dwell on what I do not have, on what I think I'm missing.  I try to stay active to fend off the winter blues.  It is hard work to stay positive when you're down, but it is worth the effort.  

It is easier if you still have family.  Sometimes. If they get the long distance love thing, some don't and make it worse.  

What do you ladies do?  Stay busy?  How?  Work out and run?  Go to church?  Volunteer?  Bust finishing school or raising a little one?  Spend time with your family?  Reach out to others in the same situation?  What are your little tips and tricks for easing your heart when your sailor is away?

[Dina0106]

I was going to school/working two jobs, volunteering,  helping church activities such as youth group, going out with friends, and encouraging my family to be more active. Now the only thing I do is not a damn THING!.. Sorry lol I'm pretty sick of this, half way there

[Joy11]

Anti M- I appreciate your thoughtful sentiments, when your loved one is away for the holidays. And I agree that it is very important to focus on self-maintenance, as well as being appreciative for family and friends that are around us.

I have a one year old as well to take care of, so it helps that my mommy mode is turned on 24/7 :) With my love being away, I find it helpful to put energy into what I can change and let go what I can't change. And trust I got everything handled.

This has help create more space and joy in my life... less stress and resentment. I tell myself, I am okay.

[LittleMissRed]

I"m very sad going into the holidays this year. Not only is my fiance gone, my mom found out she has to work, and my sisters are spending it with their loved ones families. I'm just left sitting here like "well damn". A co worker from work told em last night she is throwing a friendsgiving this year and told em I'm more than invited. I feel like I'm getting adopted this year just like my fiance is :)

[NuclearLove (13/041 12/28/12)]

I know this might be a horrible way to cope, but it did help me! I made a list of all the things I enjoy while my SRs away!

1. I only do 2 loads of laundry a week!!! 

2. I run the dishwasher ONCE a week!

3. I can have my girls come over to have wine/Pure Romance parties whenever I want!

4. How long do I have in the shower? AS LONG AS I WANT!

5. I can go out to have a drink with friends after work without checking in.

6. A visit to my parents isn't an argument!

7. When I make dinner, I eat what I want! 

8. I've grown closer to his family.... this is good and bad but... glass half full!

I know it's all little stuff and it fails to compare with how happy you are when your sailor is with you, but gosh it makes me laugh! I hung mine on my bathroom mirror to remind myself everyday to love what I got now because it's all going to go back to normal soon!

Other than that, ladies, I work 3 jobs and work out an hour a day. And some of you are like - well I hate exercising... None more than me! I promise you girls, when you put the earbuds in and start to run or do crunches or whatever it is you wanna do, your discomfort and anger masks your grief. I love working out now. And you can always think of how good you're going to look when your Sailor sees you again. Nothing will make you smile more then when he looks at you with wide eyes!

[meagan5220]

I grew up with my dad working on the road and since he was the new guy for a long time (the company rarely hires people) he was often the first on the list to work holidays. Even now he is only promised one holiday a year. He has missed countless birthdays, holidays, etc. My husband has now missed quite a few too. For the holidays I was home I spent time with my family. I knew there would be a time I wouldnt get to see them or spend a holiday with them so I wanted to enjoy my one on one time with them.

 

When I was away from family at his duty station, I made friends that were associated with his command like other wives or made friends with the local people or just other military wives in general. And we would spend those holidays together. Not always doing the usual celebrations but more just distracting each other and hanging out. That helps a lot.

 

I also think of the song from Alice and Wonderland "Happy Unbirthday" and my husband and I celebrate most holidays again when he gets home. :) so I get to celebrate once how I want and then we can celebrate how he wants too.. or how I want to again ;) I remember to focus that while he might be missing those holidays they are just days, the importance of them is enjoying your time with the ones you love. So you can always celebrate on what would otherwise be a "boring, normal" day.

 

I also take what I call "mini-baths" I turn the shower on and I sit in the bottom of the shower and I cry, yell, sing, talk to myself a little maybe lol, and just think about any problems I have that need a solution. and then I get up and let the bad feelings wash down the drain. Like Anti M I focus on the things I do have, and enjoy my time. My sailor is out there working to ensure I get to enjoy these things. So I will do that. Also, time goes by faster when you are enjoying it. so I try to fill my time with things I enjoy. I picked up a new hobby while my husband was gone this last deployment. I started buying cheap old furniture and redoing it! I love it! Takes a lot of time to do it right and you can even sell them for a pretty penny if you do them right!

 

Also, one thing that helps a lot is remembering even if I dont hear from my sailor that he still loves me and he is missing me on that special day just as much as I am missing him. Its hard to remember that but if you do it helps a lot.

 

 

[alleyoop90 (Ship 14/Div 45)]

Thank you! I needed to hear this! I graduate in 3 weeks from University of North Florida and my boyfriend of 6 years just left 2 weeks ago. Its been so hard to stay focused, especially with finals coming around the corner! Your advice really helped :)

[aimee]

Thanks for the advice also! I have finals a week after I attend my boyfriend's boot camp graduation. Although it has been really difficult to stay focused on studying with his graduation around the corner, I know he is studying just as hard as I am. I keep thinking of how proud we will be of each other when we both are doing well in our school/training.Thanks!

[briana&isaiah forever]

Awww thanks Anti M !

I think that with the holidays drawing near, many of us are missing our sailors and maybe feeling a little down. I know I just celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks ago and I was feeling really down because he wasnt here. I didnt really wanna celebrate and unfortunately I let the pain of missing him ruin my day. But its so important to keep all the blessings we have in perspective. It hurts so much sometimes, but I do my best to stay strong cause I know that it hurts him worse than anything to know that I am hurting! This Navy thing is still so new to me, and sometimes I wish that things could just go back to normal,  but then I think about our future. We can never move forward ( marriage, our own home, a family, and everything else we always talk about) if we never take that first step!

Thanks again Anti M. I think your words will help put things into perspective for many of us women who are just starting to learn what Navy life is all about! God bless you, and I hope your holidays are filled with nothing but love and happiness! :)

[Anti M]

Thanks, Briana. You will learn your own way to deal with the jumbled up holidays and wretched feelings. This is your new normal! You'll sort it out.

Hey, at least it isn't the zombie apocalypse. Christmas would really suck then.
(I also use inappropriate humor when I'm under stress)

[briana&isaiah forever]

Lol...I always try to find some humor to make me feel better on those really tough days. Family Guy has been my refuge over the last couple of months! Haha .Yes, it is definitely taking some getting used to, and I get super stressed sometimes and I know he does too. But at the end of the day, it just makes me more determined to make things work! I love this man, so much and Im beyond positive that I wanna spend my life with him!

[MYSAILORSCOOPS0525]

Anti M this was so heartwarming...thanks

These will be my first holidays without my husband, he just left for BC on Monday...I made sure to decorate the house, put the tree up, etc before he left and had a "Christmas dinner" as well...Im blessed to have a little guy (4 yrs old) so Im focusing on him this Christmas...