need mommy advice...

[Dreamer1118 SHIP 13 DIV 314!!!]

So I have a 2 and 4 year old.. Lately when hubby goes on duty if my boys wake up I have to rush them into their room and sit at the door inside with them.. they scream and cry and yell daddy dont go.. its really heart breaking to be honest. How can I handle this where its not turning out to be more a trauma thing and more just a normal thing? I've tried just telling them daddy is just going to work he'll be back as soon as possible but it never seems to work. almost scared for when a 6 month deployment comes around!! (told hubby he has to put extra locks on the door, nervous about it with my two boys!!!) What do you guys do when a 6 month deployment comes up with your kids at this young of an age? we have just recently joined so neither kid is use to any of this. hubby joined the navy last august, pir was in sept. 

[sailorwifenmom]

Hi, my kids are both grown now (one is in the Navy as well, and one at college), but here's some stuff that helped us with ours when they were little, as well as some resources that can help, though honestly, all of these things ate just going to take some time to work.

First off, I would stop saying Daddy is at work and will be home as soon as possible, especially if it's not been too long since he was in boot camp or away at school.  A lot of parents do this, but the thing is, it can cause a lot of confusion and anxiety for small children.  They don't know if "at work" is a few hours, a day or two, or months.  They might not have as clear a concept of time as an adult, or able to vocalize it, but they do have a concept of time, and it is developing more as they get older, so this can freak them out.  Instead, try to use the exact words for it, and put it in a framework they can get, so, like, you could say "Daddy has duty tonight, but he will be home tomorrow, after we watch Big Bird (or get home from day care, or up from a nap, or whatever).  "Daddy is at work, he will be home before dinner" (save that for same day returns).  "Daddy is deployed, he will be home after we see the fire works, or after Santa comes, or after your birthday, or whatever.  Reassure them each time that Daddy loves them very much, and wishes he was with them right now, but Daddy has a very important job and he can't always be home when he wants to be or when we want him to be.  This way, even if they aren't old enough to say, "oh, he's on duty, he'll be home in 24 hours", they will start to get a sense of what to expect from each of those words, and it can go a long way towards easing anxiety.

You can also look at getting a Daddy Doll for each of them, these are stuffed dolls with your Sailor printed on it.  Also, contact Military One Source online, r go to your Fleet and Family Service Center and ask about this, but you can get all sorts of great books and movies for the kids and for you, to help them with this - and the stuff is free :-)  They even have a DVD called "Ellis Daddy Deploys" There are also a lot of great programs, like where he can read books to them and send the video home, that helps with deployment, too.

Also, I know they're a bit small still, but we did a "kiss jar".  Whenever my husband deployed, he would decorate a jar with the kids and fill it with Hershey kisses (of course, I made sure it didn't run out while he was gone, but they didn't know this as kids).  Then, each night that Daddy was gone, they each got one "kiss" from Daddy.  This became so special to them that one time, my sister and her kids came to visit while he was deployed, and my nephews wanted some kisses, too.  My kids said it was ok, but first, I had to "blow the daddy love off back into the jar" before I could give them the chocolate.

Now, like I said, these things are still going to take time, but if none of these things work, you can also go to the Fleet and Family Services and talk to them about meeting with one of the counselors - again, for free - about tips that are more specific to your kids.

Good luck - I hope some of this helps!  

[sailorwifenmom]

Oh, one other thought, it might also help if they know in advance, so they aren't surprised by duty, deployments, etc.  So, like, the night before he has duty  your husband could say something like, "Ok, Daddy has duty tomorrow, so I can't tuck you in, so everybody gets 2 kisses And a double tuck in tonight!" (or extra kisses as he leaves in the morning...)

Again, I hope some of these ideas helps out, at least a little bit!

[MYSAILORSCOOPS0525]

That was great advice sailorwifenmom! I will be using the 'kiss jar" for my little guy =0)

I have a 4 year old little boy and although we havent dealt with deployment my husband has been at BC for 2 months (he grads next week)...I do agree with sailorwifenmom in that you should definitely prepare the kids for daddy leaving...As soon as we knew my husband's date to leave we started talking to our boy about daddy leaving for a little while to be on a "battleship" (makes it a little more exciting-especially for boys! lol) and showed him pics online of various ships...Another thing we did were video diaries where my husband would talk to him on video, talked about coming back soon, calling as soon as he can, joked around like they do when theyre together-it was super cute. Every morning our little guy watched it and he'd be in a great mood for school. It really helped.

After PIR, I  will be getting him a "daddy doll"...Im dreading him saying goodbye to his daddy yet again after just seeing him for a day (or 2 god willing).

Hope this little bit helps...Have a great day!

[MYSAILORSCOOPS0525]

Heres the link for the daddy dolls =0)

https://www.daddydolls.com/store/hugahero-dolls

[meagan5220]

While I don't have kids, I have worked with children for years and spent a lot of time studying children while I got my degree in psychology. On top of what sailorwifenmom said I have to say one thing, do not let them throw a tantrum. Sit them down (well probably the four year old will get this and not the two year old) and talk to them calmly, explain what is going on like she said but then let them know that there are boundaries and rules. They can be sad, mad, etc. but they cannot throw a fit. Especially at the oldest, tell him he has to be Mom's helper when Dad is gone to help with his little brother. At four years old he will behave if he knows its expected of him. I dont want this to sound like I am saying to be mean to your kid or not let them be upset, but working at a daycare we had kids that would come in and throw a fit they had to be at school or whatever else happened. With one look from me they knew it was time to stop. They knew I would listen to them, hold them, let them have alone time to be sad, or help them find something fun to play with, or whatever else they needed to shake that sad feeling but that tantrums were not going to happen in my classroom. It will help his brother calm down to because he will feed off of his brother and watch him for how to act. Let the four year old know he can come talk to you about his feelings, knowing he has an outlet might be helpful for him.

[Dreamer1118 SHIP 13 DIV 314!!!]

Thank you all for your replies
@sailorwifenmom-I love the kiss jar!! And daddy doll is an awesome idea! We have told them and tried thay route but the oldest either pitches a fit or trys to hit or bite. I've gotta get a hold on that behavior I know! Just no idea where to start really. Tried talking to him, time out, and grounding him from favorite objects..

@meagan- my mom always had more of a hold on my oldest in terms of behavior not sure how it happened I guess experience probably. I try to be stricked a bit but I guess I became to lax when we moved.

@scoops- thank you!!! I will check it out! I feel the daddy doll is important for them both =} it'll help them cope when it happens I believe. We went through basic really easy.. I had my parents and both myof my younger brothers with us though. They are dealing with feeling like they lost both uncles and 4 grand parents. Youngest is clingy which I'm okay with but evan gets mad and acts out.

[meagan5220]

I hear ya. Its hard you just have to start putting your foot down! you don't have to be mean or say mean things just set boundaries, and consequences and let him know you mean it. It will be hard at first but in the long run it really helps them have a sense of security! If they know you are in control they will feel safer. Its hard sometimes the "look" definitely is something you either have or you dont lol but you can start making rules and consequences which will help a lot!

[sailorwifenmom]

:-)  I'm glad you all like the kiss jar, though I have to admit, we got the idea years ago from a friend and neighbor ourselves.  It was great for our kids, and I appreciated her sharing with us!

I also agree with the other ladies, they are going to have feelings about it, they're going to be sad, scared, mad, etc, and that's ok, BUT, there still needs to be boundaries.