Moving In With Him????

[EmS]

I'm new to this. My boyfriend graduates November 22nd and in so proud of him. I just got all of his letters he has been writing and got 2 phone calls. So thankful. But!! He is talking a lot about after graduation, after A school when he is a E-3 or something of that sort. Moving in, getting an apartment, traveling with him all over the globe. Is that even possible or is this wishful thinking? Id be all alone while he is deployed right? When he is at base can he ever come home? If I don't move in with him will i ever get to spend much time with him? Don't get me wrong moving in sounds amazing, but its hard enough with him gone when i'm at home with my family, being in a different state alone would be way harder! Does anyone have experience with this? Answers? Advice?

[beachmom76]

EmS-Congratulations on your boyfriend's decision to go Navy! I agree, there is much to be excited about. As an old hand at the Navy wife thing and as a Navy mom, I have to point out a couple of potential problems with living together.  Not saying these should be deal-breakers, but the two of you need to have an honest conversation about some things.

• You will have to pay all of your own moving costs to get to wherever your BF is. Are you financially able to do that?
• He may not receive a housing allowance, based on his rank and the availability of on-base quarters for him (or if he is required to live onboard the ship). Can you handle that financially?
• Benefits that are available to military family members will be off-limits for you: spouse employment assistance, the gyms, medical benefits...again, can you earn enough when you move to offset these expenses?
• Do you have a career or job skills that are portable? Finding jobs at new duty stations is often a challenge for spouses; what can you do to ensure you find work?
• Will you be able to adapt to a new location and the isolation that is a normal part of Navy life? Sailors have duty days (usually every 3-4 days they have to stay on the ship overnight) as well as underway periods (anywhere from 1 day to 3 months) in addition to deployments (3-12 months). Are you prepared to live alone in a new city/state? I liked moving and being alone didn't bother me, but that is not true for everyone.
• If your BF gets orders overseas (which is not uncommon for a single Sailor), you will not be considered a dependent and will have to arrange your own transportation, housing and work. You will have to learn about immigration laws in the new country and what it takes to be able to work there. Not easy, but people have done it.

Please don't take this as me bashing your idea.  Lots of couples live together and make it work. I am sure you will hear from GFs and BFs who have lived together and loved it! I just think you increase your chances of success if you know what to expect and can plan for it.I also don't want you to think that the only way you can be together is if you get married. That is not a decision to be rushed into; take some time to consider all of your options and make the best decision for both of you.

Good luck!

[Anti M]

beachmom covered most of the points involved with moving in with an unmarried sailor.  It is not an easy life.

Moving overseas?  Not impossible, but consider, the Navy won't even send the spouse of junior sailors overseas because of the expense.  You'd not have access to any of the base facilities.  

Access is the key word here.  You could not go get him after work as you would not have access to the base.  If he is sick or injured and is in the base hospital, you could not go to him.  You might not have access to the Family Readiness Group and potentially not the ombudsman.  You would not exist to the Navy.  

I agree, he needs to get a realistic picture of what privileges he will and will not have in the fleet, and how that will affect you two as a couple.  

Best of luck.

[Angie]

Also something to think about as a GF you are nothing to the military.  You can not get on the base, nor shop at the NEX or commissary, if something happens to him, you will not be notified even if you are living together they will call his family.  

As was already said, but I will say it also:

He doesn't get extra money to live off base...$1787 is all he makes a month before taxes are taken out.  Yes he will get sea pay when he goes on  a ship but it isn't hat much  money.  HIS medical and dental are covered, what are you going to do for those?   What job are you going to have?  The military helps spouses try and get jobs, again you are a GF which means nothing in the military's eyes. 

Will you have two cars, as you will need your own vehicle if you plan to do anything outside the home.  

Understand if he gets stationed overseas, you are not going there...you MIGHT be able to get short visa's to go visit him..BUT he will be required to live on base, he can't just go out and town overseas and get a place they don't allow that.

If he gets orders in the states, you will have to pay to move your stuff there, you will have to pay to set up the apt..if your name is on the lease and he gets transfeerd you are stuck with the lease as it will not be covered under the Sailor Solder Relief Act.

If you don't move with him, the only times you would see one another is if he takes leave to go home or if you go see him.

During bootcamp they don't know what really goes on in the Navy...give him time to think about all of this and you to think about it all also as he needs to finish school and still do stuff before you can even plan to do anything about a move...and sorry to say but many home town romances break up during "A" School

[EmilyNicole98]

The three ladies above covered pretty much everything, but I want to add one more thing.... I would advise that you do not move in or marry him until you experience a deployment. At the very least A-school, because bootcamp is nothing like the reality of military life. In a lot of ways, it's the hardest part because it's the beginning...but at the same time, it does not prepare you for the rest of the ride and he has no clue what life is going to be like after he graduates. Not to scare you, but a lot of relationships fail when reality sets in and it's even harder to deal with a breakup once you've already moved to his location. If you can both make it through a deployment and come out stronger, you can move forward with confidence that you'll be able to survive just about anything the military throws at you (although dealing with military life up close and personal is much, much different than from afar...living on or near base with him will be a completely different experience in every way from dealing with military life in your hometown). 

Being alone on base during a deployment or underway isn't all that bad...but that's if you're a spouse. If you get a decent FRG, they'll take care of you and keep you informed. It's easier to make friends when the men are gone, because everyone is lonely. So no, you wouldn't be completely on your own...but again, if you aren't a spouse you will not be included in a lot of activities.