I am afraid...

[Dede04]

I am newly engaged to my sailor. I was so happy. I do love him, but negative Nancy sneaks up on me and asks me every so often if I can do this.

Can I deal with deployments, his absence for family events or children?

No Saturday night dates or phone calls that arent filled with worry about his A school homework?

Can I handle the fact that I am used to getting lots of attention and now have to schedule conversations and maybe going on a date one weekend a month?

Can I deal with doing it alone, feeling lonely, but being married?

He is a good man. He is kind, gentle, good listener, and tries his very best to make me happy. He doesnt judge me or make me feel anything but important. I just acknowledge that this will be hard and that hurts him. He says he can't change the way things are and that he is trying his best. I know that, but the fear of taking such a risk, moving with him and failing is all too real. I dont want to be like those divorced couples who once saw rainbows and butterflies and are now disappointed. Ending because of this is a real possibility for everyone, but as I think realistically it also takes me to some negative place that I have to dig myself out of. 

How do you know? Is everyone just hoping for the best? I often feel like I am the only one who fears failure as everyone else is all smiles and swears everything will work out. Am I the odd one? Or is everyone else faking it?

I guess I am asking for some thoughts and experiences. I know you can't tell me what to do, but it would help to know that I am not crazy...

[love.my.sailor.1225]

I don't have any advice for you unfortunately because I'm going through the exact same thing. I'm afraid that I can't handle this but at the same time I want to be with my sailor more than anything in the world. So, what I am saying is I feel the exact same fears. It's day 11 of boot camp and I'm having the same doubts. So, you are not alone in this, if that makes you feel any better. I've heard that boot camp is the hardest part and it gets easier from here. For me, not getting to talk to my sailor is the worst. After boot camp, you can Skype, text, call, spend weekends together. If it's meant to be and if you want it to work, then it will. You need to be reassuring and supportive of him while he is away but he also needs to support and encourage you.

[Dede04]

The first time you get to text again is amazing, but your SO will be pretty busy and it wont be the same as it once was. It is an adjustment and its tough, but the communication is MUCH better lol

[Dede04]

THANK YOU! I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. I hope you find peace in the coming months. First deployment must be so difficult for both of you. He is probably working really hard regularly. How long is he gone for? 

You're right...it might be because it is new and I am doubting myself. Failure is never a very attractive word and it is so scary to risk so much just to lose what you had...but I guess that's the game we all play :/

[Sammie]

I understand how you feel, my sailor just graduated bootcamp and we are just getting back into the being able to communicate through the phone and while it is great, its kind of also hard because i really don't know what to expect. We have a three hour time difference, I'm never sure what I can expect from him and what would be asking too much, I just don't know how difficult a school will be and he doesn't know what to expect either. I think I almost prefer bootcamp to this, because I know exactly what to expect and what not to, and now that he's in a school, I have no idea what its going to be like. I don't know how strict they are, I don't know how difficult his work load will be, I don't know what i can do to help him and not stress him out, I don't know, it's all really confusing. I'm terrible with transitions and just as I was getting used to bootcamp, there's another change. 

[Dede04]

There are always changes. The only thing the military promises is that everything will change. But to be fair, everything in life makes the same promise..

The transition is tough, I admit. But you do get used to his busy schedule. COMMUNICATE though. You do not want him to know youre upset when you hit your breaking point. That will just lead to a bigger argument. I am sure you'll grow into the life as long as you do not think it's some easy journey. Congrats on his BC completion! :)

[SP_]

You are most certainly not alone. No matter where you are in this Navy spouse journey I think those thoughts still haunt you from time to to time. For me I still have the same worries as I did as a girlfriend on the first day of bootcamp and now I'm engaged and my fiancée is finishing up A-school. I think after we got engaged it got really for me and I got so many more worries. But despite that sometimes when you know you just know. When you set all those fears and worries aside if he's still the guy of your dreams then you have to trust it will all be okay. All I can say is take it a day at a time. There are good days and bad days, but in the end love will conquer it all. It is definitely not easy and bootcamp can be one of the most trying times but it will most certainly make you stronger as a woman and as a couple. Now I'm being faced with moving across the country and starting a whole new life and I can't lie and say it's not scary because it is but it's also very exciting. I fear failure everyday and he too sometimes takes offense to that but I can't help but have those fears especially when people speak on how probable failure is because as you said couples hope for a lifetime of happiness all the time and it may not always work out. I think you should always communicate with your partner on your thoughts and feelings, but sometimes you might wanna try to write your feelings down in a journal just to let them out and not freak him out because he might be just as worried sometimes you know?...you do come to take care of a lot on your own and it gets lonely when he's busy or studying all the time but nothing in the world will be better than having him by your side when the opportunity is there. It's a learning process but it is definitely doable. It sounds like you have a great guy on your hands and you are definitely not crazy girl! The madness gets to the best of us. Just follow your heart only you know what's best for you. Just be patient with yourself...It is so ironic running across your post because I haven't been on here since bootcamp but I hope I helped a little!

[newnavywife2014]

I just got married in April and trust me you are NOT alone! I lived with my husband during prototype for almost 6 months and we got married right before he deployed. I had many second thoughts on how I would hande this but if you both love each other you will get through it. It is hard I know he has only been gone two weeks and it feels like it's been a year but you also need to have your support system. Whether that be family, friends, or other navy or military wives and keep yourself busy while he is on deployment and time will fly by. As for scheduled talks my husband calls randomly sometimes 2am sometimes 7pm but you will cherish the time you have to speak with him. Especially when they get home and they get days off so you can relax with each other!! If you need anything feel free to message me on here.

[Dede04]

Thank was incredibly helpful. Thank you so much. 

I vaguely remember you saying that your husband and you would be reunited in June when my sailor was in BC. Excited? :)

[Anti M]

You are not crazy, this a difficult lifestyle.   Yes, sometimes it is rainbows, other times you are alone in a downpour.  Yes, sometimes you have to fake it until the sun shines again.    

My father was in the Navy, so was I, and my husband.  In a way I had experience with dad's long deployments, but it never made it easier.  I just had coping mechanisms in place at a younger age.  

The first two years we were married, hubby was deployed and I was stationed someplace else.  We saw each other a grand total of 28 days in two years, this was before the internet or cellphones were common.  Yes, I got lonely, and yes, it would have been easy to find other company.  But we did not, been married 26 years now.

How did I do it?  I don't have one easy answer.  Because I had been raised Navy, I did not have a strong attachment to a hometown or a set of childhood friends, my own family was pretty scattered.  I never had a fallback place, home was where we were together.   That made it simpler for me. 

Basically, if you are used to a lot of attention, you have to learn to pay positive attention to yourself.  That means a lot of things to a lot of people... choose to fill your life with activity and choices which make you like yourself, which help you to grow.  Associate with positive people who support you.  Develop a flexible attitude about the timing of special events and dates.  Holidays become when you choose, not when a stupid calendar says they are.  Building a home does not mean being tied to a house, it means carrying your love and memory and experiences in your heart.

This is a huge leap, it is scary.  You will not have the traditional things, and there is a mental shift to let go of certain expectations.  The life of a military spouse is very rewarding and fulfilling, but it does not fit the mold we are told is the "right way" to do a marriage.   You must forge your own "right way".   You are now in charge of making the best of your "new normal".

You are not alone.

[Dede04]

Thank you so much for the advice and taking the time to respond. I really felt restless and concerned about having these feelings. I felt guilty for having doubts. It's really nice to know that I am not alone. <3

[Meridith_21]

I thought all the same things when I got engaged and my husband was seriously thinking about joining. We just talked alot of things through and the best way I cope with things is just getting as much information as possible about all things Navy. That way, it doesn't seem as scary because I know things and it helps ease my mind a little. My in laws are retired military so it has been nice while my husband is in BC to talk with them and they can explain certain things I am unfamiliar with. I also consider myself pretty independent. Of course, I miss my husband, but if he is gone for months at a time, I am not going to slip into depression and have my life fall apart. Just stay focused and keep busy so the time goes by fast. Having a good support system is important too. 

There are lots of things you need to think about and work through with your Finance before you get married. Being a Navy Wife isn't easy, but it is very rewarding. 

[Jenn_NicksWifey]

You make a choice. That's how you do it.  You decide to deal with it and that he's worth it.  Or you decide you can't deal with it and he's not worth it.  No, it's not all sunshine and rainbows.  But you decide if you want to dwell on the shitty parts or the amazing parts.  Yeah, there are nights we go to bed and cry (my favorite place to cry is a nice hot shower).  There are days when you want to strangle him and can't wait for him to go on deployment (mostly in the weeks leading up to one).  It's kind of sucky.  We were together before he wanted to join the military.  I didn't really think he was serious until he started REALLY hating his job.  We talked to recruiters and he gave me veto power right up until the day he left.  If I didn't want him to go, he wouldn't.  Obviously, I didn't use my "veto power", since he's coming up on his 2 yr anniversary this month.  But in all honesty, I wouldn't change a thing.  

Bootcamp seems like the end of the world.  It's not.  I look back at the time he was in bootcamp and I wonder what my problem was.  I was all crying and sad and lonely, and in the grand scheme of things, it was no big deal.  We've been through one deployment and are coming up on another.  He left for bootcamp when our daughter was 5 months old.  He's leaving for a month of training a couple weeks after our next is due to be here, then a nearly year long deployment when she's 6 months old.  We have amazing neighbors and tons of support from Navy programs.  It only seems like you're alone during bootcamp because you're not surrounded by other people who know exactly what you're going through.  I've personally gained a lot of perspective on life and what I want from it, it's been a journey of growth of me as well and I'm just a stay at home mom.  Everything is what you make of it.