Advice on finances and family planning

[jessicalulu85]

Good afternoon ladies!  I need some serious advice or help.  My husband and I had a long conversation about our finances and family planning last night that left me upset and depressed.  The original plan was for me to go to school, and for us to start a family once his PCS orders were in place after C school.  Meanwhile, I have taken 2 trips to San Antonio to visit (which I know i was going to be expensive) and he is just realizing that our bank account is not looking to well due to the spending.  Not including the fact that we need a new car for him since he sold his.  Now he is telling me that I need to go to school and work and more than likely a family is out of the picture.  He says that with a new car, and a baby we will not make ends meet.  I have tried to make him see that no one will ever be 100% financially ready for a child and I know we can make things work.  And if he can't see that I have no idea what I am going to do.  I love him dearly but I know if he has his way with no kids, I will resent him and eventually we will be hating each other. I feel that I cannot make him happy with the answer I have given him since he needs a "plan". I guess I wanted to vent more than anything but any advice, or  support would greatly help.

THank you,

Jessica A.

[Anti M]

For now, ask him to concentrate on school, and pick up the family planning once you settle into the new duty station.  Maybe make an "appointment" to discuss the state of the finances, the future, and the marriage either annually or every six months or so.  This is not something to tackle long distance.

I suspect he'll feel more confident when he is in the fleet, and once you have a steady job and contribute to the financial pool.  It is hard, and stressful.  No need to put unchanging ultimatums in place so early.  And no, babies are never timed perfectly with the finances, but waiting a year or two while you strengthen the relationship which has been under the strain of training is not a bad thing.  This is probably a bump in the road, try to roll with it for now.

[jessicalulu85]

Anti M,

Thank you for your advice.  It's hard to ask someone in my family or pool of friends since ithey haven't  been in my shoes.  I agree with doing the "appointment" annually or bi-annually.  He wants to plan or years in advance and I can't seem to get him to understand that things will never go as planned.  With the distance, it does make things more difficult than they should be.  I already started looking into MYCAA and other resources through MilitaryOneSource. Here is hoping that he can understand that we have to take things one step at a time.

:)

[Anti M]

LOL, he must love the "hurry up and wait" aspect of the Navy.  

I don't know how long you've been together, but he may well learn to be more flexible with some time in the Navy.  It is absolutely necessary!  Always room for personal growth and change!

[jessicalulu85]

Yes! He is a bit impatient-- lol we have been together for 3 1/2 years so far and in the Navy since March- Patience is a virtue and I have tried telling him that.:)

[Anti M]

Just hang in there, he'll figure it out and catch up to you some day!

[Heather1990]

I understand your frustration, but it's a hard conversation to have long distance. It might seem "all or nothing" right now, but it really could be the amount of pressure he is under at school, mixed with missing you and trying to think about finances (which is a headache to discuss anyway). I would revisit the conversation once your stationed somewhere.

My husband originally didn't want children at all and I think it had a lot to do with the fact that he was working towards the Navy, but he wasn't in yet, and he didn't feel like he would be able to fully provide for children at that point in time. We had a lot of discussions about it, some which turned into arguments because I admittedly, took it as an all or nothing.

Then once he took his ASVAB and he got his rate that he wanted and a date for boot camp, he started saying "when we have children" rather than IF we have them, and I waited until I heard it some more before revisiting the conversation. Turned out that once he had a plan, he felt more secure and was ready. We found out we were expecting a month before he left for boot camp. Sooner than we thought but it all fell into place.

I guess my point is to wait until you're together to talk about such a big life change, and if he's not ready- it's not an all or nothing. Things will fall into place :)

[WifeofaUSsailor]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. My husband and I discussed having kids before we got married and decided that we would know when it was the right time for us. Not long into our marriage (we were married in December but have been together 6.5 years) I got the baby fever and started talking about it with my husband more. He said he wants to wait to try until he's done with A school (done in September). Your husband will probably feel better once he's done with school and there's less stress in his life. In the meantime, if you can I would try to save money and if you don't already have a job I would get one. I know that you're worried if he doesn't want to have kids soon that you might resent him, but if you have them before he's ready then he might resent you instead. I think you should try to compromise with him and maybe wait a few years until you have a good amount of money saved. With that being said, if you're frugal with your money you can make having a baby work in the military. They give you a bit more money and more BAH when you have a child. Not to mention you have free medical care and they give you BAS for food as well each month. If he's worried about a car payment, don't get a car that's too expensive and out of your budget. I would take some time and look at your entire budget each month and see what you can cut back on and how you could potentially make a baby work in the future and then go over it with your husband. He's honestly just probably very stressed right now and with the plane tickets it may seem like you have no money right now but if you don't take anymore trips for a little while he will start to see his accounts go back to normal and feel better again. Hope that helps a little :)

[Anti M]

There is more BAH for dependents, but it is the same for just the spouse, or for a family with a dozen kids. No extra money for a kid!  What you do get is a larger unit in housing if you are in that instead of renting.

The BAS is for the military member who eats at home; be aware that goes away during deployments.  

What is great is the ten days of "free" paternity leave.  Fleet and Family Services and Navy Relief are very supportive of new parents, on some bases you can get free layettes, and parenting classes, and the commissary carried WIC approved items.  There are tons of resources.