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Comment by carols_kitchen on September 25, 2009 at 8:46am

Wow--Susan, a great blog! I know my son has given his love over to his new wife and that is how it should be. She is adorable and a great DIL. Will there be tough times ahead? You bet!
Thanks for sharing Meg's article.
Carol

Comment by NevadaSierra on September 23, 2009 at 10:34am

Hi Everyone: Here is an article written by Meg. It is GREAT and I'd like to share with you.

When your sailor returns from a deployment

My Name is Meg and I'm an old Navy spouse and military brat. During my time as a spouse, I've been an Ombudsman among many other rolls. My sailor and I have completed seven crusies together. Recently I was asked to address the issue of the emotional cycle of a Deployment for a Navy family and the best advice I could offer for those Navy Moms who might be struggling with new Daughter-in-laws or son-in-laws. To be fair I will invite my own mother-in-law to weigh in on this information. ( Yep, she's at Navy for Moms too!) I am sure she will have her own opinions about this issue. I want to be fair as possible. I'd also like to note that I am the Mom of three. So I understand the mom side as well.
Read the info below with an open mind and decide what is best for you and your family but please take to heart the advice I am offering is born out of years of experience. This information is offered with the best of thoughts for both Navy Mom and Navy spouse.

Just like in life, Change is constant in the Navy. Deployment is filled with Change.
Whether you are the Navy mom or the Navy spouse, If your sailor is on cruise right now you have been going through a real challenge. It is important to remember we all go through these challenges when our sailor is deployed.

1. Anticipation of the deployment: At first when we hear about the upcoming deployment we get nervous, scared, angry, and sad. At some point it starts to feel like an old band-aid that you need to pull off. You want to rip it off and get it over with. In reality you want the deployment to start so you can start counting the days down until your sailor comes home. This feelling causes confusion, you might feel guilty for wanting the deployment to just start. The truth of the matter is, we dont' like when our sailors are gone. This step includes both moms and spouses.

2. Separation: You might find yourself emotionally pulling away from your sailor. This is a surprise. During this portion of the deployment... specifically for the spouse, you might find yourself separating your lives. You realize you face taking care of both your lives without the most important person in your life with you. You want to kick the next person who says, " Well, you knew what he or she did when you got married." You might find this is when you sit down and have the great CRY. You might lose a bit of yourself when your sailor first leaves.
Personally, at the beginning of one of our deployments I flooded the second floor of our house the first night he was gone. I got to cry some more. I was definitely out of it.

3. Catching your second wind: You need to survive. You start trying to make a daily schedule for yourself. You find yourself looking for things in your life to help the time go by. Then you find things to do in life that you really enjoy. You might feel guilty thinking you don't really love your sailor. Don't worry you are still in love, right now you are taking care of the immediate needs and it's ok to put your needs on the list. Actually, this is one of the healthiest steps you can take during a cruise. It means you are still you and not just a spouse. You have your own life and every Navy spouse should have their OWN lives. It is important to include your in-laws in what you know. Provide your in-laws the Ombudsman contact and enroll their email in the command newsletter. You will be surprised how much your mother-in-law appreciates being included in news about her child/sailor.

For moms you may be a great source of help for your new inlaws. You have already gone through these steps when your son or daughter joined the Navy. You already started doing things for yourself when your kids moved out. You can help your inlaws and encourage them to take care of themselves. So call them once in awhile and just ask about them. This will also help to bring you two closer to one another as friends.

4. Reality hits again: Just as you find your stride in your daily life with the kids or your job or a new hobbie you took up while your sailor was gone, you realize you have past the mid point of the deployment and now you have to start thinking about your life changing again because your sailor is going to come home. This is a time you were certain you would never get too in the beginning and you would NEVER have believed how this might make you feel. You're excited about the homecoming but you're also nervous. You have been in charge and you feel pretty good about how you have managed to pick yourself up.

Well, things are going to be different when your sailor comes home. You certainly will explain life to him or her. Your Sailor may be the love of your life but the love of your life left you... it doesn't matter that your sailor had orders. Somewhere in the back of your mind you are still a bit ticked about that.
For you moms, you know the plan was always to raise productive citizens but you might recognize the feeling your in-laws are having. Think about the time when you realized your baby was a grown-up and perhaps she or he didn't need you at every waking moment. You might have been a bit ticked off too. I mean How dare that kid not need you? Does your sailor realize how long you were in labor with him or her?
All kidding aside, these mixed signals about homecoming are very normal

Now add that your sailor has a new spouse. Well, there are tons of books written about this subject but lets just say this is a HUGE change that both Navy Spouses and Navy Moms are dealing with everyday!

HOMECOMING
Spouses
So you get the information about the homecoming date and the first thing spouses start thinking about is making up for lost time. (sorry Moms but that is what we think about)
Spouses you start planning the perfect homecoming. You get the outfit ... you plan the meal... you get a hotel. In your perfect homecoming Dream... your mother-in-law is no wear in sight because and there is no nice way to say this but it would kill the moment. You are planning on private time. Woohoo! You are planning on all the special time you have missed. You need to know that you are still the most important person in your sailor's life and as the Lord as your witness... he or she is going to spend time with JUST you first. If you are newly married... this is all you can think about. You get yourself all set.

Mom
Moms have been waiting for much longer than the deployment. You had to say goodbye when your sailor left the house. You brought this kid into the world and you can't help it. You can't wait to see him or her. You have worried, your child may have been in harms way. You just want to touch them and see they are ok. You spent a huge portion of your life trying to get this kid to become an adult. He or she means everything to you. You won't stay long but you just really want to be there for this important day. After all you have never missed any of the special days in this kid's life. You are so proud! You have told all your friends and you got a great rate on airline tickets the moment you found out about the homecoming date. You'll call your new inlaw in a few days and TELL him or her you ARE going to be on the dock the day the ship pulls in. They haven't been married long... they can wait one more day. After all you might not be quite interested in being a grandparent just yet.

The Sailor's side
Tough as it is... these aren't the only two sides to this story. You see, you both forgot your sailor. Your sailor has been deployed where everyday the living quarters have been a challenge. They have been told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and judged if they have not done it correctly. They have been responsible for lives and they have been under stresses we have not considered. On board ship, they have had very little privacy. They have not been able to get away from work. They have been lonely. Being the emotional basketcase is not the way to get ahead in the military so they have compartmentalized their emotions. They need to destress too. They may actually have a plan of their own! This thought seems to be a shocker for both Moms and Spouses. After all you both know exactly what he or she likes. If they have been on board the boat, they have not been driving. (This is just a side note and not from personal experience, but slowly give back the car keys.)

They may surprise you both, they may let you both down. They may want to do what they want to do. The last thing they need or want to do is to have you two at each other's throats. They don't want to come home to the two of you competing for his or her time. No matter what you THINK they might want this next bit of advice is so important.....


ASK first... both of you. Before your sailor comes home, ASK your sailor what he or she would like to do when they first get home. This also gives you all a chance to express your desires. Your sailor is going to need to remember your needs matter too and that goes for EVERYONE.

You will ALL be so much happier if you talk about what is expected and wanted.

New spouses, remember to include your inlaws.
Moms remember what it is to be a new spouse.

Both of you remember your sailor is a person too. They will be thrilled that someone asked them what they wanted rather than Ordering them to do something else. They have been doing that for the entire deployment.
IMPORTANT
When these situations are not handled right... feelings get hurt, young marriages struggle and no one is happy. The worst thing that can happen is that you can ruin Homecoming. You will all be left with bad memories and hurt feelings. You are Navy Moms and Navy Spouses. You support your Sailor and the last thing you want is to ruin what should be a happy time for all. So TALK to each other already and each of you make compromises. You will all be happier you did.

5. Reorganization of a marriage: Spouses This one is always a shocker... no matter how many cruises or deployments you might have done. After the homecoming, a week or two into the transition, something starts to seem different. That person you could NOT wait to see, starts to get alittle frustrating. If you waited on them hand and foot you may be wondering when you are going to get back to that life you created while he or she was gone. Things have changed and maybe your sailor has not noticed. How dare he or she not notice all you have accomplished? This is the moment when you need to sit down and have a talk. Talk to your sailor about the things you have changed. This will surprise you too but your sailor may be feeling the same way.

Your marriage has changed. You are now a veteran of a Navy Deployment and you have both changed. Renegotiate things in your life together. Talk about the differences and don't be afraid to address the changes. Talking about these changes helps to re-establish trush and everyday schedules. This is the easiest way to transition back into everyday life. Don't be shocked if you two end up in an arguement or two. It's normal, call your other Navy Spouse friends and ask them about this.

If you find you are both having huge issues go to Fleet and Family Support Center. They have counselors there who can provide free marriage counseling and they specialize in issues like this.

Moms: The only change you might need to acknowledge is that your child will always be your child but the rest of the world sees him or her as an adult and a Sailor in the United States Navy. Let them be the adult you raised them to be. You did a great job! Avoid trying to get in involved to fix things for them. They are grown ups and their job requires they act like adults. Rest assured, you did a good Job.

This last step of reorganizing a marriage takes the Navy family back to normal everyday life...whatever that is.


I hope this helps and sparks a healthy discussion between both spouses and Moms about what will be the best situation for their Navy family.

Earilier I mentioned my mother-in-law, I have to give her credit. She has never met my husband at the Dock or at the flightline during our marriage. She has respected the time we have needed to re-establish our marriage and then we head to her house. I have always appreciated her for this because homecomings are as challenging as the beginning of deployments. So thanks Pat for helping this Navy family work to the best of our ability.

Comment by Karen (KC's mom) on September 11, 2009 at 12:18pm

glitter-graphics.com

Comment by NevadaSierra on September 10, 2009 at 9:11am

Hi Cathy and WELCOME. N4M is awesome. Please feel comfortable to ask away and share. It is tough, and we are all here to help. We all have 'stuff' and we are all here to help eachother get through it. The more I read and ask, the more I learn. There are lot's of groups. Reclaiming space is fun and can be very helpful. I recently was laid off, and have been 'working' on the empty space for a while - lots of cleaning and rearranging. Please know that you are in my prayers~Susan

Comment by Paymaster on September 6, 2009 at 7:32pm

Cahty....Welcome to the group! You might want to check out the Afghanistan/Iraq group. I have a son who has been deployed three times. Still on the first husband tho, he's trained and wouldn't want to go through that again:).


This is the best place to say what you are feeling, no one judges you here, we just understand.

Far wind and following seas

Comment by Paymaster on August 23, 2009 at 6:30pm

Welcome to all you new comers. My son may have join the navy 12 years ago and left home, but my life is so much fuller for all the new people that his time in the Navy has bought me!

I now have friend all over the country and it is a wonderful feeling to know that I can reach out to anyone of you for comfort and support. To bad more in this country don't have what we have, there would be so much less lonelyness.

Far winds and following seas.

Comment by carols_kitchen on August 23, 2009 at 3:16pm

Rachelle
We shall be with you on this next journey. It will be so different. Know that we care.
Carol

Comment by Paymaster on July 28, 2009 at 10:21pm

Joni and Jeannie.....I know its a hard line, but that why those of us that have loved ones in war zones know they are safer there than they are on the street of the good olde USA.

Comment by NevadaSierra on July 17, 2009 at 9:59am

Hi Everyone;
Thank you for your prayers. I have set my retirement date for 7-22-09.The lay off will be effective on the 24th, so I was advised that to be able to keep my medical benefit (75%) of the cost being paid by the court that I needed to retire while still a current paid employee. I was put on 'administrative leave' until the 24th. So, that is why the date - to keep the medical benefit. Otherwise, we would loose that benefit. The 'severance agreement' would have taken away all rights that I had under the MOU, Policies & Procedures of the court. It is worth too much for our future. So, there we are. Thank you for your prayers. I'll be helping with Grandma & Grandpa once things get settled. Next week will be going to CalPers to get all the paperwork taken care of. Worse case I loose a couple of days pay - best case I have the medical benefit in tact.
Shirley (sailor's mother in-law) is home on mophine and as comfortable as she can be at this time. The hospital was able to rehydrate her. We understand that they will be able to visit sometime in the next couple of weeks. A lot depends on her health. He may be able to bring out littlest angel up to give his wife a break.
We all appreciate your prayers. It has been a challenge to figure this out. Your prayers have helped. My angel blessings and Navy Mom hugs to all, Susan
Our sailor is off of the Penn (sub) and switching to shore duty at Bremerton. Still a NUKE - always will be. We will see how the work changes for him - don't think I can understand any of it - but at least he will be above water for his girls~s

Comment by NevadaSierra on July 15, 2009 at 5:39am

I wanted to share this prayer request with all of you:
Hi All,
This is a post from our PIR group leader, she knows Irene. Just to clarify its Colton (stepson) who is the patient and Paul is her sailor son. Sorry about the confusion. There is also something on the Molly Adopt a Sailor group but I haven't seen it yet.
Take care, Karol

Comment by Michele Z ~ Mom to David 7 hours ago Hi All~
Irene posted this on another group (her son is named Paul - step-son who had the gall bladder surgery is Colton):
"Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers. Our family is overwhelmed by all the support. Colton is sedated and resting. They are trying to give his body some rest and time to heal before they go back and finish up all the surgical procedures. They still have to take more of the right leg, and they have to close up the left one. But, they feel it would be best to wait a little while and give his kidneys some time to start functioning better before doing anything else. "

So sad to see this happen to anyone. There was a link in the Texas Moms group to send cards etc. to Colton and others that have been injured or lost a Sailor, but for some reason the link isn't working anymore. Will update you as I learn more info

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