Every mom deals with it differently

[Arwen]

When I joined N4M (just before my son left for boot camp in Dec. 2009) I kept hearing complaints from moms who were told by friends and co-workers "Why so upset, it's just like sending them off to college."

Hmmm, I thought. I couldn't imagine being terribly upset. Yes, I sent my son off to college the year before, and I couldn't see any difference myself, and I told the moms that.

Six months later I got a message from one of the moms who was part of that conversation asking if I still felt the same way.

I had to answer "yes."

He wasn't here. Okay. No problem. He wasn't here in college, either. The only difference was in college I wasn't forced to hand-write letters. I had more communications from Chris in boot camp than I ever got when he was in college. If anything, boot camp was easier because I knew he was being monitored, under control, and not out doing something stupid like skipping class or playing video games all night before an exam. I could relax because he was in good hands.

Do I love him? Of course! Do I miss him? Not really. He calls home, a lot. Again, more than he did when he was in college. And I know he's safer than he was in college. We used to live on a college campus, I know what goes on there. The Navy is a LOT safer, and more conducive to helping a young man mature and grow.

Mostly I'm curious about his adventures, about how the Navy has changed since I was in 20 years ago. I want to know as much as I can, as much
as OPSEC allows.Soon he will be going to sea. He's headed for Japan, and I'll only see him once a year. That's not bad. My husband sees his parents about once a decade, and its been that way since he was in the Navy.

Chris is coming home for leave next month before he goes to Japan. While I look forward to his visit, I also dread it, because, like all long visits from relatives, it's a change in my routine. It's exhausting having someone in the house who is not part of the routine. We no longer have a bedroom for him, he has to sleep in the living room on the couch, and we've moved since he left us, he has no friends here. So he will be home all the time. But I won't be there much. I work strange, long hours.

Parents complain that their kids come home, then disappear. I wish Chris had friends here, peers he could share his experience with, to show off his uniforms and brag to how awesome he is with a pistol, and be the "toast of the town" while he visits. But there will be no parties, no hanging out. Just laying around at home, reading and probably a lot of sleeping.

It will be a relief when he leaves for Japan. It's not that I want to get rid of him, or don't love him. He's an adult now. I didn't raise him to be a momma's boy, to hang around home forever. If he did, I feel I would have failed at my job as a parent. I raised him to be an independent adult, to go out into the world and find his way. I supported him in his transition from young adulthood while he tried college, passed through boot camp, struggled in A school. Now its time to cut what threads remain on my apron strings. It's up to him now. All I ask for is some basic updates once in a while.

Now I await the chance for his younger brother to fly, too. And soon, I hope.

[BunkerQB]

Arwen, I have to say that you words sound somewhat arrogant and smug. At one point in my life I myself might have written the words of your post. Circumstances change, points of view change accordingly. I have seen many comments posted by you and except this one, they have all been very informative, well written, well-thought out and helpful. You obviously have more experience with being a part of the Navy family than many of us. Having been in the Navy yourself probably reflects the "matter-of-fact" attitude you have regarding your sons leaving the nest because the shoe has been on the other foot for you. In fact, adopting your response may be a good defense mechanism for some of us.

Arwen, wanting to see your son/daughter succeed and missing him/her with all your heart are not mutually exclusive. Family members on my side and on my husband's side are both cut from the same clothe as yours. We communicate on a regular basis but rarely just call to chitchat. We have two sons. When my older son (the sailor) went off to college and discover that other students (particularly the girls) call their parents just to find out what's for dinner, he thought it was peculiar but he also can see the benefit for some students who need the constant touchy-feely connection with family members.

I understand totally that members of your family are connected even though they don't communicate on a regular basis and that you are OK with them leaving to join the Navy and happy that they are finally leaving the nest. Fine. However, allow others to be more emotional. Your response is no more superior to the response from a mom who is extremely emotional, just DIFFERENT. One day you may be surprised at how emotional you can become. When my younger son started at West Point in '06, I calculated the maximum number of days I would see him over the next five years before he would be deployed to Afghanistan. Looking back, I am sure I had a minor nervous breakdown. I am no emotional weakling. I have been successful professionally for 35+ years while managing a household and investment properties. Nevertheless, the thought that he would be in harms way after 1500+/- days (4 years at West Point and another doing infantry training) and furthermore, the thought that out of those 1500 days, I might actually see him for less than 150 days (over a 5 years period) was paralyzing, even crippling emotionally. My son left West Point after 2 years - he and the Army were not compatible. He is still in touch with many of his cadet friends. They stay with us periodically. Two West Pointers died last month (July) in Afghanistan. Every time it happens, a piece of my heart dies, it is like loosing one of your own. One day we'll see a familiar name on the list of the fallen members of the Long Gray Line. I dread that day. My son will be inconsolable.

Through N4M and other support groups, I discovered a connection with moms all over the United States, some rich, some poor, some highly educated, some barely out of high school, some cool-as-cucumbers, some emotional wrecks. Back in early days, I rarely posted but benefit greatly from moms/wives/gfs who were unafraid to wear their emotions on their sleeves. I am truly grateful for their willingness to share openly their emotions with me and thus allowed me feel my own trepidations and fears, to gather myself and continue to function normally on a day to day basis.

I know we can all help each other.

Out of curiosity, have you ever ask your sons what they thought of the way your family deals with separation?

Sincerely yours, BunkerBee.

[Arwen]

Eaglemom, I believe in the right of free speech, and abhor censorship. Everyone has the right to show their true colors.

[Arwen]

Bunker Bee, I never criticized anyone else's way of dealing with separation. I am merely defending my own feelings, my own way, when attacked. This was a blog post about how I feel, in comparason. Not better, not worse. I wrote:

My experience is different from other moms, which is why I titled this "every mom deals with it differently." None of us are coming from exactly the same background, we are personally different, and our kids are different.

I'm just saying, it's as unfair to say "it's just like college" as it is to say "it's nothing like college." For some moms, it is "just like college" and just as easy to let go.

I am not attacking how anyone else feels, I am only trying to show that there are other points of view, other ways of thinking. Trying to make the point that we are all in this together, no matter where we are coming from. Then I get attacked for not having the same point of view as they do. Yeah, I got defensive.

[Arwen]

LauraE - my concerns about college have NOTHING to do with alcohol and drugs. I raised my boys right. I can't imagine my son ever trying these things. My concern is whether he stays up too late and doesn't get enough sleep, whether he wakes up in time for meals, etc. The Navy makes sure this happens, and gives young men a few more years to finish maturing.

What goes on in college, I would worry about my son's safety due to what the other students are doing around them, not what choices he is making. While I was in college (two years ago) two students died while sleeping in their room because their next-door neighbors thought it would be funny to block the doors with furniture and set the dorms on fire. Another died when shards of glass fell on her when a drunk student on the 5th floor broke a window. They caught two students bow-hunting raccoons on campus and the pair nearly shot a student. THAT is why college scares me more than the Navy.

[BunkerQB]

You can be the most magnificent parent and sh*t can happen. I have been there too. We all simply have to do the best we can. We will all have opportunities to reflect on our actions, particularly when we get older. If we feel that we have done our best, we can't punish ourselves if the results were not what we had hope for.
Arwen, thank you for bringing out into an open discussion that we can cover the spectrum emotionally on how we feel when our child goes to college, when our child joins the military, when our child deploys and when our child comes home.
LauraE, right now you are a new mom (relatively speaking). It would be unnatural for you to feel otherwise. In the next 4-5 years but definitely before your son is 10, please get this book. I wrote this to another N4M mom earlier this year.
"If you have not read the book "Raising A Son" (available w Amazon), please get it ASAP. I am a mother of two young men, 25 and 21 (in July). My 25 year old is on a sub. I read the book when the boys were very young. The chapter that remains with me the most is the one about letting go - cutting the apron strings - typically in the teenage years - the boys must do this (a lot of rejecting of the mother figure) in order to form a sense of self - they select the father or another male as the role model - if they don't disengage from the mother, particularly if the ties are strong - it will be difficult for them to form a relationship later. When I read that, I thought it would never happen to me. As a high school freshman, My younger son had to writ an essay about the three most important people in his life. His number 1 was Dad, number 2 was his uncle and number 3 his older brother (the sailor). I didn't even make the top three. Thank God I didn't see the essay until he got out of high school."
I personally would prefer to see all comments stay. We are having a decent discussion (on occasions heated, so what?) but we are all adults and we are strong women (isn't that wonderful?). I am happy to see that freedom of speech is alive and well.

[patchthedog]

I had very mixed feelings about my son going into the Navy. Pride was a big one, fear of the unknown another, and the fact he's my only child and going so far away from home for the first time was really hard on me, especially since I couldn't at least talk to him every day. But I have to say, he's grown and matured so much in such a short amount of time. I am happy he's working hard and enjoying his new experiences and becomming a man. I pray very hard for him and all our hard working Sailors who proudly serve our great country. I'd give anything to see him soon, but know he's doing what he loves. God Bless him and all our sailors where ever they may be....

[Arwen]

The Navy also serves four meals per day for those who missed a meal for whatever reason (breakfast, lunch and dinner plus mid-rats aka midnight rations) and I've never heard of the battlestations thing, we didn't do it on my ship or any of the ships I had friends on. The first two days are easy, they are given tours, asssigned, and learn the basics of their ship. Battlestations is something the whole ship does, and they aren't going to do it just because they have a newbie on board. The chiefs would get VERY annoyed. The longest Battlestations I was ever a part of was 6 hours - because the ship broke. Were dead in the water and had no electricity.

Sailors' lives are closely supported by the Navy. I can vouch from experience that leaving the Navy is really hard, adjusting to taking care of ones self is shocking.

In the Navy I had little to worry about but doing my job and how to have fun on my time off, period. It's an easy life. You don't have a lot of decisions to make, it's not like in college, where you have to decide if a night off of homework is okay, that D grade is as good as an A toward graduation, and failing a class only means taking it again. In the Navy there are real consequences, and it keeps the sailors in line (mostly) and moving forward.

[Arwen]

They didn't have Battlestations when I was in. That's a new thing. We had a little mock-ship where we practiced our seamanship, and that was it.

I thought you meant when they get to their ship. Your phrasing confused me, I was mentally thinking about ships.

First, they do get to sleep the first few days - but they have to do it sitting in formation. Some guys can actually rest that way, some can't. I certainly couldn't. My son said he did. And boot camp is a totally different world from the rest of the Navy. I've stayed up two-days straight while finishing the very last packing for a move, and it certainly isn't high on my list of concerns. Plus, that's staying up for a purpose, they're testing him.. It's really different from making poor choices, choosing video games or fantasy books over a night's sleep - 10 hours before an exam.

Battlestations is supposed to simulate real-life emergencies. The lessons he learned there will go a long way toward keeping him and his shipmates alive. It's too bad they don't put college kids through a boot camp like that before they're allowed to start classes.

[Arwen]

But at the same time they no longer have Work Week/Service Week. When I was in boot camp we took a full week off of boot camp training and worked in the galleys, cleaned base, did the laundry and whatever else was needed. Now they use that week for additional training and hire civilians (Goodwill disabled employees) to do most of those jobs.

I just about fell over the other day when I learned from my cousin (who recently retired) that some of the newer ships actually employ civilians to take care of the mess decks. My brain just can't wrap my mind around that one. Civilians, on ships? What????? No mess cranking???? My cousin says they're trying to improve the "professionalism" side of the Navy and they don't want to waste two years of a trained seaman/fireman/airman's life doing something that doesn't directly contribute to their technical/professional training.

When I was watching Carrier and they focused on the Culinary Specialist girl, I was confused as to why she was scrubbing pots. In my day even SRCS didn't do that, that job was reserved for "cranks." CSs only cooked.

Of course all the teeth have been taken out of the equator-crossing ceremonies too. It used to be something everyone was terrified of, but they don't let them make the wogs crawl through old food garbage and eat a cherry from a fat chief's greased belly button anymore. Now it's just a silly party on a ship.

[patchthedog]

Boot camp is a tough experience for all who go through it. When I went to watch my son's graduation and got to spend a few days with him after, he told me all that happend. While I sat and listend with my mouth open in shock, (especially the story about the gas chamber), he just looked at me and laughed and said "Mom, it seems harsh to you because I'm your baby, but it was a blast and I'd do it again in a heart beat". I couldn't get over how mature he'd grown in just a short amount of time. Now that he's had the experience of being out to sea for months at a time, pulling all nighters, and on the occasion skipping a meal, (his choice to get something he felt more important done) and having the experience to tour a new land and culture, he says it's all been the greatest thrill of his life. He said the worst thing of all of it was missing home, family and friends. While I am at home praying every day that he's safe, well feed, sleeping well and healthy, he's assuring me he's having the time of his life. I wish I'd thought about going into the Navy when I was his age, seems like a great experience.