Glassy eyes...

[Jolene2Sailors]

Forgive me if you've ever had a burden and I just stared with glassy eyes. I truly had no idea. From this day on, I will try to be more considerate of other's feelings.

It's been a week since we heard from our son...a week of wondering whether or not he is FFD and in another division...a week of waiting for the phone to ring (just in case)...a week of emotional ups and downs.

Here is the problem: everyone around me seems sick to death of hearing about Justin, or at least that's what I'm to assume from the glassed-over expression when I'm asked, "How are you?" I choose to be honest, but I have at times asked if they were looking for the quick lie ("I'm fine.") or if they want the truth. One woman at the store told me "The quick lie." No joke. Wow... Why even ask?

My husband is my sole source of physical support during this stressful time. My other kids would like to help, but I can see they are also tired of hearing me talk about their brother. They have lives, too. 

We are doing our best to be what each of our children needs, but I'm not sure we're being successful. Or maybe we are, but this strange sadness/worry overshadows all other activities and emotions.

I tell myself he's fine. I sing the songs in church until emotions overwhelm me and I have to allow tears to slide down my face. I tell myself it's not noticeable...and it's probably not. I wait until prayer to wipe away all traces of liquid emotion, so no one will see. I'm either really good at disguising how I feel, or people truly don't want to hear about it.

After all, everyone struggles. Why should my source of pain burden anyone else?

In the meantime, I come here...to this website...and I know there are moms just like me who are feeling the same emotions that I am feeling. Moms across the country are trying to hide their tears so people won't look at them with those glassy eyes and ask questions they really don't want to hear the answers to. Together we plaster on those smiles and answer, "Fine, thanks." And in our hearts, we scream, "My child is doing this for YOU! Care a little..."

And...goodness...I know people do care -- and care A LOT!!! I'm sorry if I come across as whiny. Quite honestly, I know for a fact that my own eyes have glassed over during similar conversations...which is why I started typing this. I know that personally, I need to look into the eyes of those around me who are hurting -- co-workers, students, my family -- forget about myself, and care a little.

[sailorwifenmom]

This life can be hard.  I've seen it from several "points of view" -  Over the past 22 years, I've been a Sailor, I'm married to a Sailor (who is still on Active Duty), and we also have a son in the Navy on Active Duty.

It can be very hard sometimes, and yes, sometimes it can be overwhelming, and yes, there are many times that our friends and loved ones really have no idea what we're going through.  (I think that's more the source of the "glassy eyes" - not that none of them care, but some of them really just can't relate, and they don't know what to say or do to help make it better, so they also feel overwhelmed, and start to "block it out" so to speak.)

I know it's a cliche, but sometimes the reasons phrases are used so much that they become cliches is because they are true, but honestly and truly - no news is good news.  Unless and until you've been told by the Navy, or been told by your Sailor who was told by the Navy, that there's a problem, then there isn't.  He (and you) can overcome it.  I know it sucks, whether it's medical hold in boot camp, or waiting to class up at A school, or a deployment that gets extended, but sometimes it happens, and he (and you) can get through it!

Something to keep in mind though, is that as much as you love and miss them, you can't let it overwhelm you and take over your life.  Yes, this is someone you love, and yes, you miss them, but if you let it become all you are, all you think about, then it's going to end up letting it break you - which is not good for you or for your Sailor (because then they become so worried about how you're doing, that they can't do what they need to do as effectively, and sometimes as safely, as they need to). 

I know this can be hard to do - one thing that has helped me is showers.  As weird as it sounds, it does help.  When you find that it's getting overwhelming, then go take a hot shower.  Make it as hot as you can stand it, then just stand in there and cry.  Let it all out!  But, as the water starts to get cold, then that's your sign to start wrapping up your tears, and to go out and DO something.  Go to a movie or dinner with a friend (and don't talk about it - announce - and mean it - that it's a "no Navy talk night"), go clean out a closet, go for a walk, it doesn't matter what it is - just as long as it does NOT involve dwelling on how  much  you miss (or are worried about) your Sailor, and it doesn't involve just crawling into bed and crying some more. 

If you find that this continues, and you just can't shake these feelings, then maybe it might be a good idea to look into talking to a counselor about it.  It can help, and there's no shame in needing some help sometimes.

Just remember, your friends and family do love you, and they do care - they just don't know what to say to help make it better!

[Jolene2Sailors]

Thank you so much for your comments!!! (The hot shower idea sounds wonderful!) I wasn't aiming for "whiny" when I was writing, I was just releasing those emotions that are so much easier to keep concealed. My SR doesn't need to know that at times I feel like a weepy mess, and my other three children definitely don't need to see that. I so completely understand that there are people who have it much worse than I do.

Our youngest child has a congenital heart defect that has resulted in heart surgery (when she was 4 months old) and the potential for imminent cardiac arrest now that she is an adolescent. Annual checkups show her heart doing fine, but she will never be allowed to participate in athletic events or do anything that elevates her heart rate to levels that could cause her major arteries to pinch off her coronary artery. Prognosis: She could be fine or she could have a heart attack.

At times, this, too, has reduced me to a blubbery mess (in solitude). In public, when I bring it up for prayer or when I just need to "vent," I don't have to look too far to see that there are others who have it much worse: their children have died...or been paralyzed...or were born with more major defects.

All this said, I love my kids. My oldest son (who tests at "genius" level) hated college and dropped out, deciding to enlist. That was, hands down, one of the most pride-filled moments of my life...only surpassed a little by watching him "salute out" of the recruiting office to get on the van to BC.

This blog has helped me release feelings I normally hide under a smile and an "I'm fine, thank you."

Our son called this afternoon. He has a great attitude...and sounds fantastic. He is doing everything he can to finish strong. His desire is to serve his country. My heart swells with pride. Perhaps it's time for one of those hot showers...

And...goodness...reading my initial blog, I can see where it sounds like I think no one cares. That could not be further from the truth. People are praying daily for my son. They do care...but like you mentioned so aptly...until a person goes through something, he/she simply cannot know how it feels. 

Many people care...MANY...and I apologize for making it sound like I believe no one does...

[FireTeamLeaderWife aka FTLW]

Hot shower "therapy" works! I do exactly the same thing sailorwifenmom! TY for putting that out there!

[sailorwifenmom]

FTLW - thank you!  lol - I love my hot shower therapy when my husband is gone, and I've had to do it a couple of times with my son gone (and a couple of times with my daughter at college now).  lol - luckily, one shower can do "double duty" for missing my kids - cuts down on the water bill ;-)

Jolene - no worries!  I didn't take it as whining, I took it as you were having a very rough time and was needing some support and encouragement.  No matter how strong we are, we all need that sometimes!  I'm glad your son is doing well - hang in there!

[tequilla (ship 11 div. 363)]

Aww, I got glassy -eyed reading this, I feel this way too.. It's a tough thing for us moms!!