Our Paths May be Different but Our Goals Are Probably Similar...

[Lynne]

Since my son decided to enlist I like many other Navy moms have experienced a myriad of emtions. I have cried and cried, mostly in private, sometimes in sadness other times with pride, and still other times simply with the fear of the unknown. i have laughed with my son, teased him about all the cleaning he will do, the foods he WONT be eating and reminded him of how much he likes to sleep and how much I will try to sleep for him. I have read with interest how each Mom deals with the changes their children go through and the expectations that each have.

I read as various people have very earnest ideas about how Moms shold behave and should not. I have worked in the mental health field for more than 25 years and I just feel the need to assure every mom that though the paths we take to helping our children navigate boot camp and their service in the Navy our goals are probably pretty similar. We want them to grow healthy, happy, responsible young men and women. As parents it is hard to abdicate that role to someone else even for a few weeks or a few months. While seamen recruits view the next step of their lives with excitement and anticipation it is change and with change their is always stress. That is simply a fact of life. I just want to reassure moms that there is no right or wrong way to go through this process. Your feelings are not right or wrong they just are. Allow yourself to feel them. Give yourself the gift of understanding and grace that you would be so quick to give to your friends.

Its important to remember that adolescence begins at 12 or 13 but technically doesn't end until age 24. Just because our children are of legal age to do many things at 18 doesn't mean they have the maturity to know it all, even if they think they do. They will still need your help, your guidance, your understanding, and your open arms when things get tough. I used to work near an airforce base and helped out in certain situations on the base and I can't tell you the number of times young soldier just wanted their "moms" and how much that contact with their moms diffused a difficult situation.

When I work with young people between the ages of 18 and 24 I always explain to their parents that they are seeking indepence, operating on their own, making their own decisions, having the time of their lives, until they screw up and then they need to know that mom and dad are right there to help them pick up the pieces. It is all part of the developmental process. That doesn't mean you can fix things, right a wrong, or intervene, but it means you can provide the shelter in a storm, a listening ear, and help them figure out a plan of what to do next.

I think the hardest part is to stay calm. The older my son has gotten the more he has asked the question of why when he has done something he would consider majorly wrong like getting a speeding ticket do i stay so calm and yet in his words "freak out" when the garbage doesn't go out. It is simple I always remind him, when there is a true crisis I want him to know that home is only a phone call away. I won't be angry, I'll be disappointed.

So remember, your children are your children forever and that means you will always have a special bond. You can't suffocate them, but you can't suddenly go from parent to friend either. In my business, we always say the extremes are more alike than they are different. In otherwards the outcome will often be very similar. Our young seaman will always be our child. We will hear about their successes, their frustrations and their fears in boot camp. Our job is to stay positive, stay focused, and help them keep their eye on the prize...graduation or as my son just reminded me as he walked by LIBERTY!!!

[Lynne]

Its funny I have always been there for so many families going through a crisis ready to help with encouragement and kind words and hope for the future. I'm the person friends call when they face a problem or need a suggestion. Now I find myself in a bit of a crisis, in many ways positive, yet stressful, and trying to remember to use the tools that I so easily suggest to others. There is this part of me that wants to ask him daily if he is learning his general orders, working out, and finalizing all the details to get ready to go. I want to go over the things I've learned about boot camp to better prepare him. I have to ask myself what is necessary and what is TMI. When does information offered become interference? Which lessons does he need to learn on his vs. what difficult lessons can I prevent? I will always want to protect my son...but growing up and letting go is a process we will go through together and together we will find our balance...that may be different from another family's balance. It will clearly be different from the balance in my relationship with my mother, who demanded I be near her at all times. Will my son's and my relationship be the right one? For us it will, the one you work out with your children will be the right one for you. Let your child and your heart be your guide. They will never leave you astray.

Lynne

[Michigan Cindy]

Lynne, thanks for your comments. It's good to be reminded that adolescence probably won't end until age 24. My son is now 22, and I believe he is doing very well. But he might still do some numb-skull antics, and I will have to be understanding. You have a wise perspective.