Marrying Young

[Jessica Marie]

Hi, everybody! I came on here to get some advice on something. My boyfriend is in boot camp right now and we have been together for awhile. With our family situations, we would like to elope. I'm 17 and he is 19. Now, I know many people will say we are too young and what not, but hear me out. I love this sailor with all my heart, and I have absolutely no doubt he loves me just the same. Our families are very close, we are very close with each other's families, and we have always had a great relationship all around and we are always happy, no matter what. He supports me through every single struggle I have faced while together. I dropped out of high school my junior year after moving to a school that just wasn't fit for me whatsoever. I passed my GED the first time and I am now going to county college for nursing. I have a job, and I am doing more than alright while he is away because I know he's still supporting me, even when he's not here. He is the main person that motivates me to do well with myself and always supports me no matter what decision I make. He is a very caring and loving boyfriend, and I will always appreciate that. That's a little insight on our relationship. For me, things aren't always good at home with my family. We struggle a lot, we fight, we argue, and quite frankly it's very often. Sometimes I am put down by my own family and he hates it with a passion. He hates the way I am treated and he's often worried about my health and my feelings when I am here with my family. He's said many times that once he gets the chance, he would like to marry me in court and then later on in life, when we can afford it, give me my dream wedding. I just got two letters from him yesterday and he's very set on giving me his last name. I know that if we do decide to run to the court and get married, my mother will sign for me, because she is the one person who understands my relationship and knows that I do not want to live in this house much longer. She has been very supportive all throughout our relationship. Me and her have already talked and she is willing to do that for me. She says she knows we are in love and it's stronger than ever and she would never want to stop me from being happy or doing what will make me happy. I guess my point is, is it a good idea? I don't really know much about marriage in the navy. We are perfectly okay with distance, we are very strong and can get through it easily and we still manage to support and love no matter how far apart we are. He wants to marry me to give me his last name but to also make my life better for us. He wants to get me out this house and take me with him after I am done with school and nursing. I have so many questions.

1. Can I get BAH if we are married and I am living separate from him in another state?

2. If he gets deployed, do I have to go with him? Or am I able to stay for school and still receive BAH?

3. What if I don't have a job yet once I move where he is, how will I support myself? I'm not sure a sailors pay can support two people.

4. Can I still marry my sailor but maintain a civilian life?

My questions are mainly based on the fact that I am not sure about the financial aspect. I would like to be married, stay in NJ while he is on base. But do they even give BAH for that? If I'm living off base away from him? I really want to marry this man, I don't know what I'd do without him. Thank you to everyone for your help & support. God bless.

I will attach a picture of us!

[LLN15]

I want you to know my son is 18 & is his girlfriend is 19. They have been together over 3 years and would very much like to get married. So I get it. However, they realize that to throw the strain of marriage into their lives, while they are trying to get their careers set is not a good way to start out. Please read all the way through and don't be discouraged by what I have to say. Your number one goal as a young lady should be to take care of yourself. Be confident and proud of who you are and who you want to become.  My initial question would be - what is the rush? You are okay with distance and truly love each other, that is great! You should both get your careers set and do one wedding the right way, the first time around.  Sadly, getting married to give you his last name and rescue you from your circumstances are not solid reasons to get married. Marriage is for life, not a fix on current circumstances. Whether you want to believe it or not you are both young and will grow and change. Allow yourselves to do that.  So in a few years down the road, when you are both set in your career paths, and feel the same about each other (even through the changes you will both go through) then get married and start you future together. You have so much time. Do it right the first time so there are no regrets. Marriage takes a lot of work and is hard enough without adding the stress of military life, long separations, etc.  If your relationship can handle the next few years, then you will know that your future together can be solid. I am not saying to give up on your marriage dream - just make wise decisions.  You need to be able to see yourself through your current circumstances and you can! Especially with your boyfriends support. Marriage at this point in time is not needed for you to do that. If you both make your own way first, you will have so much more respect for each other. True respect for each other will be a very solid foundation for your relationship's future. I wish you the best of luck and will pray that things work out for both you and your boyfriend. 

[Jessica Marie]

thank you so much for your advice and everyone else! I know I shouldn't run away from my problems. I want to finish nursing school first and then marry therefor I am able to be with him wherever he is. I know I still have a ton to fix and work on before I should make any kind of big decisions. Reading these replies really helps!! Thank you again.

[ImSoNavy]

I definitely don't have all the answers you need, but what i do know is there is a proper way to do everything. First, I can tell your level of maturity just in your need to plan and be aware of what's to come. I commend you for that. My son married his girlfriend without my knowledge and I was so hurt. I cried for days because I wasn't able to be a part of their union. So as a parent, I would tell you I'm against the eloping. If you two really want to be married, allow your families to be a part of it. Those family members that show up, will be so happy you allowed them to be a part of it and those who are against you two marrying will miss out, but either way you allowed them the opportunity. If you don't get any answers on here about your BAH questions, let me know and I can put you in touch with my daughter-in law. She still lives in Florida and goes to school while my son is in San Diego. I pray you get the guidance you need.

[ImSoNavy]

LLN15 Definitely hit the nail right on the head. I asked my son "what was the rush?". And the part about this marriage possibly fixing your current living situation is also a great point. It sounds as if your boyfriend may be your escape from a situation you may need to fix first before attempting to escape. Will you only be running from your problems? I do feel as if you working on yourself first, finishing school, getting a good job and moving out on your own would be so much more rewarding for you. Making it work against all odds. I believe you have it in you. Right now your boyfriend made a commitment to serve this Country and finding his way is a hard enough thing to do without having to worry about his wife at home. He would be so much more relaxed and at ease knowing your out here determined to make your own way. Challenge yourself. He would be so proud I'm sure.

[Lilly]

1. You can get BAH while he is in boot camp and A school. But when he gets his orders of where he will be stationed if he is married you will either get BAH or military housing. If you decide not to live with him where ever he is stationed he will most likely end up living in the barracks
2. If he gets deployed can't go with him and you will still receive housing. Plus extra $ for him being away from his family
3. A sailors pay can support 2, it will be tight and you need to live conservatively. My husband just finished boot camp and his $ is supporting me and my son (I'm a stay at home mom)
4. Yes you can maintain a civilian, I go to school, visit friends and family. But I would still try to learn as much about the military life as well.

I hope everything works out for you:)

[lemonelephant]

She cannot get BAH while he is in Boot Camp since they are not married and BAH while in "A" School would not start until after the marriage.

Lilly, check your My Page.

[Lilly]

My answers are for when they are married. I guess if he's in boot camp now they can't get married now lol.

[lemonelephant]

:o)

[Anti M]

Finish your school, you will not be in your current situation forever, it just feels like it.  No need to rush. If you take care of yourself first, finish school and get some life and world experience, you will make a better, more capable spouse.  

He cannot marry on PIR weekend, and does not get leave to go home until after A school.  If you want to marry soon, you, and your guardian, would need to go to where he is attending A school.  He would need to put in a special request chit asking permission, and they might deny it because you are underage.  The chit is ONLY for during A school, so they can teach the sailor about the responsibilities and benefits for dependents.  A sailor may marry at any rank, the Navy cannot deny a legal marriage when both participants are of age.  He will need to ask when he gets to A school what the most current regulation allows.

But here is "how things work" regarding BAH and such.

1. While he is in A school, a spouse would receive BAH for wherever they are residing.  He would not be able to live with you during A school anyway, nor would the Navy pay to move you to his location.  If you go there, he'd still be required to live in the barracks as a student sailor.

2. When he gets orders to a new permanent duty station, the orders will either be accompanied or unaccompanied.  Married sailors, who are married before the orders are issued, get accompanied orders if they are going where a dependent can go, usually anywhere in the US.  The BAH switches to the location of the new duty station, no matter where the spouse resides.  

Getting orders is not the same thing as deployment.  Orders tell him where he will be assigned for the next three years or so after A school.  If it is a ship, he moves to where the ship is homeported.  When the ship goes to sea, THAT is deployment.  Most spouses stay in their home near the base, work, study, and are supported by the Family Readiness Group.  

3. Lots of Navy spouses find work at new locations.  Health care is quite portable, although nurses need to get an additional certification in new states.  Ask about reciprocity at your nursing school.  

A couple CAN live on a sailor's pay, as BAH is additional and there are other allowances.  When he would be home, he'd get a food allowance for not eating at the galley, and when he is deployed there is an allowance for family separation.  Budgeting and attention to finances is required, but he gets classes on that, and a spouse can take them too, for free through fleet and family services.  It is not impossible at all, but it is hard work and budgeting is something you need to learn about.

4.  Pretty much yes, although some things don't mix with the Navy life, like smoking pot (not saying you do, that's just one example).  You are not expected to participate in Navy things, but you will find the groups of spouses can be excellent support.

[TipperZoey]

I married my sailor when I was 18 and he was 22.  He was out of boot camp and "A" school.  He was stationed on a ship.  It was not easy.  We had our first child when I was 19 1/2.  That was even more difficult.  As everyone has said marriage is hard and it takes work.  If you are willing to put in the effort it can be wonderful.  That being said you should not get married just get out of a bad situation.  If home life is difficult see if you have a friend you can live with or move out and find a roommate. Finish your nursing school and get some experience under your belt that way when and if you do get married wherever you go with him you have a better chance of finding a job.  

My husband and I have been married for 24 years now with 2 girls.  Our youngest is in boot camp right now. So I am not saying marrying early cannot be done but some sometimes it may be wiser to wait. When it comes to the wedding there is no right or wrong way to do it.  If I had it to do over again I would have never spent the money on a wedding.  I would have used it towards a nice honeymoon, paying off debt, or saving for a home when the time came.

In the end just make sure the choices you make are made for the correct reasons and they are choices you can live with.

[KianasMom]

Honey...you may want to be indepent and financially stable before marrying..you don't want to be a burden on him. Get ur career started and allow him to work on his then when you are stable you may consider that an option.