how can I help my mom feel better?

[DepRecruit]

I apologize in advance for how long this is but I have run out of ideas of where to find help for this so I decided to ask advice straight from women who have been through some version of this.
I am twenty two years old and I have always floundered around in my choice of what I want in life and have never really stuck to anything, which I think is why my mom had a very flippant attitude last year when I told her I was going to go to MEPS well I DEPPED in that day and she seemed shocked but proud and proceeded to tell EVERYONE about it (no pressure right ;) ) Anyways I had a reeeeaaaalllyyyy long waiting time eleven months to be exact and I leave at the end of next month. But now that my ship date is getting closer she is starting to balk over this. She was the one who encouraged me to do something with my life and take charge but now she is telling me its not to late to back out and telling me I don't have to swear in again.
She says this comes from me never being gone longer then a week before and she'll miss me. But now she just keeps pointing out all the negatives of having joined and how I'll be changed. I don't want her to be upset but the navy is right for me- it's is the path I have chosen for my life so I don't have the doubts.
So what I am asking from you ladies is for advice that your kids could have given you that would have helped you feel better? How can I help my mommy to feel better? I have no doubt that she is proud of me just scared that I won't be okay. I know I will be- but no matter how much I tell her that she doesn't feel better. I am beginning to feel like I am abandoning her even though I am way older then the minimum age to join. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I would really like to be able to leave with a light heart and total focus on my goal to start my life. Thank you

[ChrisAmo]

Your mother is beginning to panic a little because she's finally realized that all the talk about you joining the Navy is a reality and not just a "maybe." All you can do is to reassure her that you love her and will miss her, but this is the right thing for you to do. You absolutely cannot let her talk you out of this. You've made a very courageous decision to better your life and you need to stick to it. I always told my son that there are more regrets from things NOT done than for things done. Of course, that's what he reminded me when he announced he was joining so I had no choice but to go along with it. I'm sure she's very proud of you but she needs to accept your decision. Like you say, you're old enough. Yes, you will change, but for the better. I don't think there's a single mom on N4M who isn't amazed at the changes in their kids and remark how proud they are of the maturity they see after boot camp. Boot won't be easy but if you're determined, you'll make it through and become a US Sailor.

[mamaWella]

As a mom, I'd say this is great advise - acknowledges both "sides" without making anyone the "bad" guy - and giving her a job is right on!

[DepRecruit]

Thank you all very much :) She doesn't have a job aside from being a domesticated goddess as she calls it. Us kids have almost always been her job which is why this may be a difficult. She has some friends but with times being so hard everyone is having a hard time being able to find some free time but I will definitely try to get a hold of them and see if they can help her out while I'm gone. She does dog agility which is her only hobby that she loves as far as I can tell. I'll try and get her some new leashes for it before I go. Thank you all so much again for your advice I am definitely going to try it out. And I will for sure send her this way for your ladies tremendous support :)
And I apologize but I had been reading another ladies question about her wanting a power of attorney and I thought about doing this for my mom because she would be tortured if she didn't know what was happening with me- should I offer that or would it just possibly upset her more? Just curious about this one. Again thank you for your time :)

[KME''sMOM]

DepReruit,

Speaking as a mom who just recently (10/09 was boot camp) went through this same type of thing, it didn't hit me about him leaving till about a week before hand. Even though I knwe in my heart that it was the best and right decision for him, I still didn;t want to let go. He was my first to leave home. Between snafu's with cell phones and not being able to hear from him during boot camp (until thanksgiving) to a lost letter (neighbor had it) I was a bawling mess. I don't know if anything could have been done differently. While the power of attorney might have helped ease my mind a little, I don't know if it was necessary. I think that the wait time for communicating is as much for them as for us. I did miss my son every day, and still do. Though now it is easier because he has a cell phone and in A school. Know that you are doing the best for yourself and you will see her again. It just will not be on her terms or timeline. Get her involved here so that she knows. what will happen, the rules and regulations, plus the schedule. Lots of really good support here. Iknow that even though I grew up in a military family, this site has been a blessing to me.

Good luck and have fun. I know my kid is. You can ask any questions you want.

[DepRecruit]

thank you so much for replying, I appreciate your opinion on it :)

[Marcy ~ Corpsman Mom]

Perhaps your mom would feel better if she knows you want her active participation in this new phase of your life. Is your mom conversant with the internet? Getting involved with a N4M group would help. It's quite likely that there's a moms' group in your area, too, and if not, she could get one going! Perhaps you could help her get set up with N4M and make a few friends before you ship. Regarding bootcamp, there's a good book available from Amazon called 'Honor Courage Commitment - Navy Bootcamp' by Leahy that describes daily life there; it really helped me while my son was gone, because I could visualize what he was up to day by day (and realize it's not a scary thing at all). Remind her too that you'll get more leave/vacation time your first year than most employees get after five years! You'll be able to see each other plenty. Health care, pension, career training, travel - I'd join if they'd let me - darn that 'age' thing! Also, have her attend your swearing-in at MEPS - it's a great ceremony (bring a camera & get a photo with the CO in front of your state flag afterwards), and it helped me with the 'goodbye' process that day. Congratulations on your career choice and my best to you both.

[Navy Aunt (AF Wife)]

Thanks for your future service in our great military!!!!!! Here are some ideas to help your Mom during your BC time. Like others have said before me. get her set up on here. This way, you all can read things together and you will have some idea of what to expect for both parties. Your Mom will have a great support system on here with people who understand what she is going through!!!!! There will most likely be groups developed with your specific div/ship # and PIR date. I strongly recommend joining them once she finds out that info on you.
Buy some rolls of film for your camera or hers and secretly start snapping away photos of yourself. If she is having a special day while you are gone such as a birthday, take a photo of yourself eating cake and then set it up so a cake is delivered to her on her birthday. Leave notes hidden for her throughout the house. Unroll a roll of toilet paper and write a note to her, then roll it back up for her to find at a later date. (I pulled one out of the linen closet and then put it back- months later it was found!LOL) Hide the rolls of photos you have taken and then when you write her during BC, tell her, hey mom, check in the cookie jar. Now she can go to the store and get photos of you developed. In the meantime. your Mom can start researching places for you to go during PIR weekend. (If you aren't grad n go), she can be writing you everyday, she can read to her heart's content on here and start to tell you things about the Navy life! LOL Make a DVD at CVS with music and photos of you two together, make a tape recording so she can hear your voice- you could do that on your cell phone as your voicemail. You are going to do great things with your life! Your Mom will adjust and do just fine.

[DepRecruit]

Thank you so much for those ideas I love them. I am already writing little post its to stick every where :) thank you again

[Jennifer]

Dep Recruit,
My heart goes out to you and your mom. I know this is going to be a tough change for her, which is obviously making it a difficult change for you as well. My son joined at the age of 19. He is my only son and my first reaction was to beg him not to go. But, after I gathered my thoughts, I realized that was the moment all of our other moments had been leading up to. He was a man and he was ready to make his own life choices. Your mom will come around. Just keep her informed and definitely introduce her to this site if you haven't already. It was a life saver for me when my son was in BC. Good luck to you!

[AngieFromWA:BUDS Mom/ HM alumnus]

Boy I wish I'd seen this post sooner and that you had been here during more of your DEP time! If you haven't shipped out yet, then please hurry and go join this Group:

http://www.navyformoms.com/group/deppersinbutnotyet

There are BC videos you can show your Mom as well as discussions with helpful, need to to know info, like re:POAs and what to send you to BC with, or not. There are also a couple of special discussions about the emotional impact of sending a beloved child to BC and launching them out into the world to pursue their adult dreams, all things I KNOW your mom would benefit from reading and seeing!

She is not alone, this is a big transition time for both of you! It will take these weeks ahead to fully adust to it all. Being a member here would certainly help with that and give her mentors and friends to talk to. She can join the New Moms Stop Here Group: http://www.navyformoms.com/group/newmomsstophere and one for your State as well. There's actually more than one CA Group and they are large and pretty active. Click on the gray "Groups" tab at the top of any page and do a search. As mentioned, there are often local gatherings and special events where she could talk to others, face to face, and get a much needed, understanding hug. :) She may find that other, non military family and friends, though loving and supportive to a point, don't really "get it" like the N4Ms here do.

You see, her self concept and identity has been so wrapped up in you-and any sibs you have-"Mom" is the only title she has borne for a long time. When you leave, she will have to find out who SHE is, as a woman, an empty nester, the mother of a grown child. That can be scary and very unsettling for some, but with support, time and God's help. she will find her way. You are not responsible for her happiness, but if you are happy and thriving, so too will she be. That's all any Mom really wants, to know that her child is healthy and joyfully-and purposefully-finding their way in this life, using their gifts, talents and energy in a positive way, doing what they were wired to do, being who they were designed/meant to be. It's an awesome and inspiring (and nervewracking! LOL) thing to watch unfold.

She has obviously done an awesome job raising you, you are a great, loving daughter, a mature, caring human being who now desires now to go out, spread her wings and serve others and God by serving her country. Your Mom needs to give herself a well deserved pat on the back for that accomplishment and should rightly beam with pride. You will get to see that look for sure on the day you graduate! This road won't be easy, but it will have it's rewards and memorable moments along the way, for both of you. Please send her here, we will welcome her and help her acclimate and adjust to this strange new role of Navy Mom. :-) God Bless and keep you honey as you begin this grand adventure. Come back when you are through BC and let us know how it went, how you are doing and what's next! :D