ADVICE FOR TELLING MY DAUGHTER ABOUT UPCOMING SURGERY

[Jess's Mom (Fire Controlman GL)]

Hi My Fellow N4M's,

 

I just wanted some advice that I am making the right decision on what could be a serious surgery that I am scheduled for.

 

My daughter PIR'd 5/21/10 and she is now beginning her 3rd week of ATT.  She is approved for a weekend leave from 8/13 to 8/15 and is coming home.  Now in order for you to understand my dilema I have to start from the beginning. 

 

When Jess was 2 years old, I had to have laser surgery on my cervix for stage 2B pre-cancer cells.  Less than a year later, I had to have the surgery repeated.  Needless to say, I left that OBGYN and began seeing someone else.  When I was 31, I was in a really bad wave runner accident and broke my pelvis and sacrum and developed bilateral legionnaires disease from inhaling sea water.  For some reason, god keep me alive because I should not have survived the legionnaires disease as my blood oxygen level was below 80, but miraculously a had a great doctor who found the correct combination of medications to cure the disease.  6 months after I got very ill and was taken back into the hospital.  They could not find out what was wrong with me and they did an internal ultrasound.  They found a massive amount of fluid in my hip and stomach, but they also found what they thought was endometrisis on my tubes.  The tested the cells and they came back normal.  At the age of 35 I had my tubes tied because I would never be able to have a normal pregnancy due to the broken bones and the 2 laser surgeries on my cervix.  Now skip to 3 years ago.  My OB said that my bladder was prolapsed and so was my uterous.  I went into surgery knowing that I could come out of it with a full hysterectomy, which is what occurred and he sent my tube to be tested and I had full blown endometriosis.  Every pap smear that I have had has been normal, however, when I went for my yearly, the dr. saw something while he was doing the pap that he wanted removed and biopsied.  When I went back to see him to have the stitches removed, he said that the biopsy showed that I have stage 3B cancer cells again. 

 

Ok, so here is my concern.....I have decided not to tell my daughter so she doesn't worry and can get through ATT in less than 10 weeks (as of Friday, she was 2.5 days ahead of schedule).  Now my dr is going to try to do the surgery laporoscopy but if he sees more cells higher up, he will have cut me hip to hip again.  There is also a 90% chance that I will need chemo and/or radiation. 

 

I know that I will have to tell her, but when should I.  I don't want her to worry, I am doing enough of that for the both of us, but I know that when my mother has her mastectomy, my parents didn't tell me until she was out of surgery and I was very upset because I wanted to be there to help my dad.  Do I tell her when she is done ATT, do I tell her after the surgery, or do I wait for her to come home and tell her then when I have more information?

 

Ladies, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sharon

[Kym]

Wow what a dilemma. I really think you need to tell her and let her know everything will be fine and you will see her soon. And she just needs to focus and not worry you have support at home.

[ChrisAmo]

If she was still in boot camp I would say don't tell, but without knowing your daughter it's hard to say what you should do. I know my son would be mad at me if I didn't tell, but if all it did was to worry him so that he couldn't do his job I would wait until it's all over with and then tell him. Let him be mad at me. But that's just me, only you know how your daughter can handle things. Maybe wait until things become clearer before you tell her?

[Jo1]

I guess my feeling is to tell the truth. If you keep it from her it might cause hard feelings and you don't want that.

[Jess's Mom (Fire Controlman GL)]

Thank you all for your advice.

ChrisAmo, she PIR'd 5/21 and is now 2 1/2 weeks into ATT school. If she was still in boot camp I wouldn't even think of telling her. But should I tell her when she is done ATT or wait until after the surgery? No matter what I do, she is going to be upset. That's my dilema.

Hoppi, my husband is already prepared with the redcross number in his cell phone just in case something goes wrong and he can't reach her on her cell. She has goes to ATT at 3:30, and we can usually talk or text during the day except when she is on duty.

Jo1 and Kym, I am just so worried that she will not be able to concentrate in ATT School and the last thing I want her to do is not to her best. I have to bite my tongue everytime we are on the phone. I know that she will eventually understand why I didn't tell her when I found out, but I just feel that I cannot take the chance of disrupting her schedule. She is doing so well right now and is 2 1/2 days ahead of schedule. In high school, she was always distracted by one thing or another, however she did graduate with honors, if she really applied herself, she would have graduated higher in her class. Not just because she is my child, but she is very brilliant and could have done anything she wanted in life. She chose the Navy because of the great opportunities it holds for her and she got the rate that she was hoping for when she signed up. I am told that only a few get the rate of FC and she worked really hard in boot camp to get that rate. She was Master of Arms throughout the entire boot camp and never got it taken away.

I am just second guessing my decision to wait to tell her. I keep putting myself in her shoes and I know that I would freak out and be on the next plane home. That is what I don't want to happen. I am going to work everyday, going away for the 4th of July and living my life as normal as possible. I have my moments at night when I get scared, but then I try to think positive. I don't want her to go through that until the last possible time. Her father and I split when she was 2 and I have raised her basically on my own with help from my husband, but I was always mom and dad to her. We never kept secrets and I am very grateful that she felt she could come to me with everything (even things I didn't want to hear). I guess I feel that I am betraying her but betraying her for her own good.

My mom and I decided that we will make the decision on when to tell her when she is done ATT which we hope is before 7/28 (surgery date). She is coming home on 8/13 so she will know something is up when she sees me because I will still be recuperating.

But again, thank you for all of your input. It does help me in my decision when I get feedback, especially from my fellow N4M's.

Sharon

[Jess's Mom (Fire Controlman GL)]

Afternoon all.
My daughter now knows about my upcoming surgery because she was bored one night and went on my facebook page and read my private messages because she was wondering why I was talking to one particular person a lot. I should have changed my password when she left, but it never crossed my mind that she would snoop. Anyway, she is actually graduating ATT school tonight. My question is that she would like to be here for my surgery. If I get in contact with the Red Cross, will they be able to assist her in her getting home. Also, she said that her ship is very strict and was wondering if they could deny her coming home for 48 hours. She told me today that for some reason they took away the entire ship's liberty for Friday. No one on her ship has any idea why, no one has gotten into trouble, and when they inquired about it, they didn't get an answer. She is concerned that they will not let her come home to at least be here while I am in surgery. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Anti M]

All she can do is ask, and they will either say yes or no. The Navy has very strict definitions of emergency leave, I don't know if your condition is life threatening, which is pretty much the deciding factor. I hope they will let her have a bit of time with you!

http://www.usmilitary.com/blogs/106/understanding-emergency-leave-a...

Emergency leave is authorized in the circumstances set forth below and normally will be granted when the existence of an emergency has been
determined by Red Cross, the member’s Commanding Officer or
telephone call from a family member, minister, attending
physician to the member’s command or to the member concerned.

(1) When the presence of the service member will
contribute to the welfare of a dying member of the service
member’s or spouse’s immediate family; i.e., father, mother,
person standing in loco parentis, spouse, children, brother,
sister, or only living relative.

(2) Upon death of a member of the service member’s or
spouse’s immediate family.