Too Young to Marry

[nvplap91]

My 19 year old son entered the navy last November.  He met a nice gal who is also navy.  They currently have duty stations in different states.  He has informed me that they have already spoken about marriage, spoken to her parents, and are willing to wait till at least 21. 

He is so not ready;  he needs to mature, he needs to gain some life experience, he needs more time to really know her (and vice versa), he needs to be financially ready (he struggles to make his meager car insurance payment each month), he hasn't had a lot of dating/relationship experience. 

I would like to think they will wait, let the relationship, and themselves, evolve, but a long distance relationship can cause one to do hasty things. 

He is convinced "they know what they are doing." 

He is stationed close to home and comes home every liberty so I have the opportunity to see just how NOT ready he is to even be considering such an important life decision. 

He had once been so focused on military, his goals, and now I see how this relationship has distracted him, caused him to be emotionally distant with his family, caused him to change his goals at least three times in the last several months.

I am praying over this, we have had a heart to heart, but am still not convinced they will wait a few years b/f taking this leap.  Help, I need the words of wisdom to guide my son. 

[Jo1]

Your in a very hard situation right now. The only thing you can do is give him some advice and hope he follows it. If he doesn't just support his decision and give him your love and respect. If you respect him you won't lose him. It's his life and he has to make his own decisions.

[nvplap91]

Very true, but when things go sour or get rough, who do children go running to? I see it time and time again, primarily from children that get married b/f they are really ready for the challenges of marriage and my kiddo fits that bill right now.
Do appreciate the advice from all. I know that ultimately he will do what he wants to do.

[Pat (MP)]

Your son is 19 and you mentioned he and his gf are willing to wait until they are 21. A lot can happen in that time and I think it's great that they are not rushing into marriage.

[ChrisAmo]

2 years is a lifetime to young people and a lot can (and will) happen before they hit 21. I know at 19 my son wasn't ready either and life stepped in, kept him occupied, and he eventually met the right girl and got married at 29. I do feel for you, we want the best for our kids, but the only thing you can do is be sort of non-committally supportive and hope it all blows over. Don't show too much opposition (if you can help it) or that will make him want it more....you know how kids are.

[nvplap91]

thank you for the encouraging words

[Casey~ Ryan's Wife, Nuke ELT MM2]

Wow - I'm so impressed with everyone's advice. I think it's all perfect. I'm 23 and though I just got married last year, "19" wasn't so long ago for me. I think it's awesome that they're willing to wait until they're 21 - even to consider it, and not go into the rebellious "we're ready, we can do it, we don't need to wait" mode. Jo1 said it best: "If you respect him, you won't lose him." It sounds like you're trying to respect his decisions, and that's very important, even though you're worried about him. I wish you and your son the best!

[TN Navy Mom (Stennis Nuke Mom)]

When, last summer, my son came to us telling us that he and his girlfriend were planning to marry BEFORE he left for bootcamp, we were less than thrilled. She was his high school sweetheart, it ended badly his senior year and lots and lots of drama came along. We, as his parents were dead set against the two of them being together.

It was the absolute most difficult thing we have dealt with. She had been in the Air Force, medically discharged, he was a Dep waiting to leave for BC and they were both only 21 years old.

We accepted the fact that at 21 we had no say in what his decision was and encouraged him to wait until after A school. I cried a lot, his dad was ticked a lot though we directed our worries toward each other hoping that ultimately they would change their minds. They didn't. She has no family to speak of. We put on a lovely but simple church wedding on 1/9, he left for BC 2/9 and they are now in Goose Creek SC while he is in A school. She stayed with us while he was in BC and THU and he was in Great Lakes exactly 4 months. I think the Lord delayed him to allow us to bond with our new DIL.

Now we miss her more than him!! He had already been away from home for 2 years, though not far away. We bonded with our DIL through our mutual love of our son. We raised him, now she's got him and he's her problem now (haha).

It can work! but like all marriages, it takes work. If they are truly willing to wait 2 years, I think that says a lot. We just had a family celebration for my parents 50th wedding anniversary. They eloped on 7/16/1960. Mom was 6 days shy of her 18th birthday and Dad of 5 days shy of his 20th. 50 years, 3 children, many foster children, 7 grandchildren and 1 grand daugher in law and they married before they were 18 and 20.