my mom is against my engagement!!!

[J.Michelle]

Hi ladies,
My story is I’m a 20 year old college sophomore and my fiancé is the same age and in the navy. But my mom is so against it. She feels I’m too young to be considering marriage, and I won’t get the whole college experience like she did or that I will drop out of school. (Which has never crossed my mind) But I’m not the average college girl I don’t party I don’t drink I don’t smoke before my fiancé left for boot camp if I wasn’t in class or pageant practice I was skypeing or on the phone with him. It will make me more than happy to marry him this summer. But I can’t seem to understand how to win my mom over. She won’t even talk to me please help

[Craig]

J - I have a college senior daughter that is 20.   I too agree with your mom.  Get the education 1st, then get married if you want.  True love can wait.  Marriage takes work, and you may think you will be able to continue your studies, but one or both will suffer.  Once you can fully support yourself, by yourself, then don't even consider it.  Factor in all cost, medical, dental, food, clothes, phone...etc...

But heck, I'm a guy, what do we know?    

[Anti M]

Technically, as a reasonable adult, I am supposed to agree that you should finish your education first.

Who is paying your tuition?  Who will repay your student loans?  Do you want to bring that debt load into a marriage, is that fair to your husband to be? 

Can you transfer your credits and continue your education at any other facility?

Will you be employable? 

Does your field require graduate level education also?

What "vision" do you have of your wedding? Your marriage?  Your life as a family?

What's the rush? Enjoy a long engagement.

 

On the other hand, I am also a believer in jumping in and going for it.  Just as long as you do not whine if it does not work out.  You're an adult, and your mm is not the one getting married.  Tell her you love her and go for it.  Just no whining later, be responsible for your actions.

 

I found the love of my life at age 30.  I was an idiot about men at age 20.  

[Sweet*Southern*Lady]

I'm 23, did pageants also. After 5 yrs of college 80k in debt, and moving to AZ to be with my sailor. I couldn't find a full time job here I still have to pay 700 dollar loans each month while i work 3 jobs. Its totally tough but for me its worth it.

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

Hi there,

  Everyone has brought up a lot of good points. If you want to win your mom over, you have to prove to her that you're making a sound decision.  I just got married at 22 while still in school- I'm a second year doctorate student. My father is extremely traditional and at first he was less than thrilled about our plan to get married while I was still in school, but once we sat down with him and asked out his concerns and  laid out our plan and our reasons, he more than gave us our blessing (My husband did ask for his permission to propose and he said yes to that with no problems). Here's how we talked to dad about it:

He was concerned about finances.  I graduated from undergraduate with my bachelor's a year early and free from debt thanks to a really great scholarship and even greater parents who saved their whole life so their three kids could go to college, so I had no loan burden to worry about when I graduated.  Additionally, my fantastic parents used the money they didn't use on my undergrad to help me at the beginning of my vet school career. We also waited I had enough to support myself until my husband's next promotion, so I wouldn't need to take out a huge debt load to finish my school. That calmed him down about that.

He was worried about me dropping out- but when we both assured him that I would have to be insane to leave school so late into my career, and when he found out we were doing it with the understanding that I couldn't transfer and that we were fine with being long distance, he felt better about that.

It's incredibly hard to switch your last name after you finish your doctorate degree, and so I explained to him that I wanted my married name to match my professional name- another reason for getting married while in school. This helped him to understand why we wanted to do it while I was in school at all.

Dad was worried that getting married at 22 I was "too young" to get married. I feel that age is a consideration but maturity level and where you are in your life is a huge factor too. I get trusted to do surgery on people's animals every day and make life or death decisions about my patients all the time- if I've proven I'm mature enough for that, he realized that I was also mature enough to make a decision about whether I could handle a marriage or not. Many 22 year olds I know are definitely not even close to being at a point in their lives where they could be making a sound decision about who to marry. I'm not saying you are or you aren't, but that's something you have to think about yourself.

We had a long(ish) engagment- we were engaged a year and a half.  We also had two fantastic families who helped pay for our wedding and had enough saved up to cover the cost of our honeymoon and whatever they couldn't afford to pay for. If my father wouldn't have given us his blessing, or any of our parents for that matter, we would have waited.  It wouldn't have killed us to wait, but it would have hurt us to do something that would distance ourselves from our families. 

 

As other people have said, true love is going to wait. If you have a reason for getting married while still in school, then go for it.  But if you don't, slow down and ask yourself what the rush is.  If you still want to do it, then think through all the logistics of how it's going to work and sit down and explain those to your mom (calmly, after you've given her some time to cool off). If at all possible, have your fiance help you (although we all know how hard it can be for them to take leave and come home to help!).  There's nothing wrong with having a long engagement either- it can be a great way to get closer as a couple and give you more time to figure out what you want in your wedding and save up for a great honeymoon!! :)

 

[Craig]

Outstanding story navyprincess!