Animosity, what a shame.

[ronspatricia]

You know, I came on this forum very soon after my fiancee went into the Navy which was December 2009.  From my first "uneducated" posts I've gotten no friendly hellos or welcome to the family, I posted reasonable questions considering my military background (which I'll get to in a minute) and I have been nothing but polite to the people here.

 

And yet every reply is snide, everyone seems to be the "Almighty" when it comes to answering the poor stupid patricia's questions, I'm looked down on because I'm unconventional i.e., don't know what the hell I'm talking about on this forum.

 

My grandfather served during the War.  He saved up his money and built a beautiful wonderful home for his family, a home that my mother rejected to live with my father who is anti-military.  Unfortunately I never got to meet my grandfather.  He died before I was born.  My parents hated not only the Navy and every other branch, they treated their children horribly (all SEVEN of them) and I left home and went out on my own from the time I was 15 years old.  No grandparents, no caring anybody.  I have made a choice to marry someone in the Navy whom I met and was in a relationship with BEFORE he enlisted, (we've been together since 2007) and any hope I have of salvaging my family relationship dies with the fact that I'm marrying a military person.

 

It's very discouraging to be a 23 year old single teacher who is struggling and trying to get across the country to be with her soon-to-be husband, and have no support from my blood parents, move away from my pets and friends and home to take care of my elderly aunt and figure out this whole "married military" thing and in looking for support from the very people who KNOW the struggles of military life and SHOULD be supportive as well, animosity and utter hostility in some cases are thrown in my direction and no one can get off their pedestal long enough to be friendly, or even hospitable.  I've felt unwelcome here since joining.  

 

No, my "beloved child" hasn't been sent on his or her merry way to boot camp.

No, my husband and I aren't conventional. 

No, I don't have a large support group in my life willing to help me in this marriage.

It's like that's been held against me on this group.

 

Elvis Presley once said, "Don't criticize what you don't understand."  Is a little kindness or at least decency too much to ask for?  No wonder so many Navy wives and moms have dramatic circles that'd make reality TV look tame.  I see it firsthand, here.  

 

 

[hotflashes]

 

I am sorry that you feel the way you do.  I do not know you, have never spoken to you before and from what you have written you sound like you have a chip on your shoulder. It could be that it is just because you are "young" and like most young people, everything is about them. Everyone on this site has been most helpful and if you want some empathy perhaps you should tone down the 'woe is me' attitude. Most people on here have problems, ie spouses, children and loved ones deployed or far from home but we all do the best we can . Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, get out , make friends,and lose the tude.

[ronspatricia]

You first say you've never spoken to me before, and then proceed to tell me about my young attitude.  Actually, several people on this site have been more than helpful and it's not to them I'm referring.  Nor have I asked for empathy.  I asked for hospitality.  Something this site is truthfully lacking in, from personal experience.  

 

I don't feel sorry for myself at all.  I feel it's unfortunate that a so-called support group has to always be at odds with one another--sort of the way you're doing right now telling someone you've never spoken with, about their attitude problem.  :D  I would say it's derogatory to tell me to "get out and make friends" when that...obviously has nothing to do with anything.  

 

But thanks for your input and reinforcing what I've said! ;) 

[lemonelephant]

I looked back at what you have posted and what has been posted to you and I guess I just don't see what the problem is, but maybe I didn't read every post.  You posted something that others responded to truthfully and, in my opinion, no one responded in a hurtful manner--just in a way that you didn't want to hear because it was contradictory to what you had been told by the one you love.  Look carefully at what others have posted and your responses and realize that tone cannot be interpretted easily in writing, so don't look for hurt and perhaps you will find that you were actually receiving supportive information. 

 

I know it's a little late since you have been a member for more than a year, but welcome.  When you get responses, take the ones you feel are most helpful to you and don't let the others bother you.

[hotflashes]

Thats right, I have never spoken to you and the first impression I had of you in your message above about people being "almighty" just rubbed me the wrong way. Life is what YOU make it, not blaming everyone else for what you perceive to be slights. I stand by my response. Perhaps you should re-read the first two paragraphs and look at it through someone elses eyes. The support system is here.

[lemonelephant]

This is an English lesson that I just couldn't resist from one teacher to another; it may save you some embarrassment later:  Your fiance (or fiancé) is the man you plan to marry; your fiancee (or fiancée) is the woman you plan to marry.

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

I don't believe that anyone was trying to show animosity towards you. I read through a lot of the posts and it seemed like everyone was just trying to share their experiences and impress upon you what trouble you could get into if it truly was the barracks you were trying to move into. It happens all the time that people pass around word of mouth things that are "okay" vs. "not okay" and so I am sure everyone, myself included, was trying to keep you and your fiance from getting into a lot of trouble. Just because someone's first class told them something was okay doesn't stop them from being taken to Captain's mast for it. Do you know how frustrating it is for both myself and my husband when one of his guys who is a genuinely good person and is a hard worker gets taken to Captain's mast for something that other people told him was okay? It sucks and it makes you want to do anything you can to prevent it from happening to anyone.  Why do you think people are holding your background against you? No one knew your history before you posted it, so why would they hold that against you?

My husband and I are anything but conventional. I don't have the privilege of getting to live with him for another two years, and we've been apart the last three. I'm finishing my doctorate of vet med and he's pushing through qualifying as a surface warfare officer. Our marriage consists of texting when we can and emailing even when he's in port because of our work schedules. I work 80+ hours a week at the veterinary hospital I'm going to school at and I log on here during down time on my ER shifts because I've been lucky enough to have gotten a lot of guidance, advice, and experiences from senior military personnel and their spouses with the request that I share it with other navy spouses who have questions. I don't pretend to know it all but when something I've learned or experienced could help someone on here, I have no problem sharing it. I don't always have time to edit my posts to make them overly welcoming and friendly because sometimes, I get told there's a hit by car dog five minutes out and I need to log out and get the OR prepped and ready to go.

 

You're looking for a support group? you have one right here. If you ask a question, you're going to get answers. If you post looking for love and support, that's what you'll get. You're not the only one who doesn't have a support group with them in person. I don't get support from my professors and clinicians when I ask for a weekend off to go see my husband off for an underway- I get a "you chose to marry into the navy so that's your problem if he's not free on your off time."  You don't know everyone's story on here. Perhaps you should consider the quote you posted before you criticize the people who were/are trying to help you.

[ebigirl]

Amen NavyPrincess. Sounds to me like Ron'sPatricia needs to get off her pitty pot. You have to like yourself in order for others to like you.

[BR549]

I agree with everyone else on here I just read thru your posts also and no one was mean or ugly to you, thank goodness we have Angie on here to tell us the how everything works in the Navy because she WORKS there. If that's who you're referring to. Sorry you feel the way you do, Good luck to you.

[jguzan]

Oh boy, can't really express how this makes me feel. Ist time I've seen anyone not be glad to get info or advice from ones who have been there. Ronspatricia, you sound angry. I wish things were better for you. I too, was from a family of 7 and very dysfunctional. Yet I really don't know one that isn't. I have six children all grown with various trials and struggles. I am an RN 57 years old. I wasn't always a nurse. Worked in factory 14 yrs doing lots of overtime to support kids. No family help. Lost job and put myself through college working full time in nursing homes at night for 4 yrs. Anyway finally graduated in May of 1997 at the ripe old age of 43! Oldest in my class. My son who after working way through 3 yrs college (my youngest) decided to join Navy like his dad did and finish college while in military. And while I have a husband from Navy he laughs at me for crying so much, but this site that my son signed me up on has helped me deal with all the unknowns and even lifted my spirits each day(several times a day). Thank you everyone on Navy For Moms.

 

[katydids61]

I am just beginning the journey as my son is going through the process of joining. I have asked several questions and have gotten many honest answers. Some are just others opinions and I take them for whatever they must be worth. We don't always get the answers we are looking or hoping for. I read through your posts and I think you are not pleased that you did not hear what you wanted to. You asked the questions, you got the answers. I don't think anyone was being unfair. If the advice sounded harsh I believe it was because even after being told "no, you cannot stay in the barracks" you were relentless in insisting you can. They were just trying to get the point across because if you attempted this you are jeopardizing your fiance's career!

[Angie]

Oh-sure it always has to be about me, LOL! :~}

[BunkerQB]

Patricia,

Many of us have spent hundreds of hours trying to make Navy For Moms a site THE PLACE to come to get support and information. None of us are paid a dime. Often we don't even get a thanks. We guide many with links, suggestions and words of encouragement. Many disappear after PIR - never to be heard from again. The same women and men are here day in and day out typing away at all odd hours of the night and day. 

Often when a newcomer is asking for information, she may actually be asking for some words of encouragement or just need a place to vent. We don't often know what the person really want - we just see the words - we don't hear the words. We take the questions and request for information at face value.  In being informative, we have to say the most with the least. Without doubt, I am sure that can come across as somewhat abrupt. We are not trying to be rude or unkind.

I reread your last discussion (regarding staying with your fiance in the barracks). Patricia, if someone is telling you that it's OK - I would suggest you ask your sailor to ask his superior BEFORE you do anything. I know the people who have responded to you. They are all good people - you couldn't find a bunch who have given more to this community than those who have written.

Many of us are going through personal issues of our own. I am having an issue with my younger son (not our sailor). I am somewhat worn out but I don't give up (never) and my husband and I are united in dealing with things. I am 62 years old. I thought I would be sitting on a beach sipping pina coladas instead of working my buns off 24/7. The many volunteers here chose to put aside personal problems when we come on here - in an effort to be helpful.

I would prefer to take this episode as a good sign. I am glad that you didn't just go away. Nothing ever gets resolved by running away. I am glad that you are still here. I am so very sorry that you don't have a loving family to support you through this. Thank you for sharing that with us. You must be an amazingly strong individual to be able to thrive in that environment and accomplished all that you have.

Clearly you are a strong minded individual. A by product of that is the propensity to disregard the opinion of others, particularly opinions from older people who come across as authoritative. I have a great deal of experience in this department - cause talking to my younger son is like talking to a stone wall. Well never mind.

DON'T GO AWAY. STICK AROUND. EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.