Living together while in A school?? I need some advice!!

[LindseyRae228]

I've been struggling to make a decision on whether I should move to live with my sailor or not. I'm a college student in Maine and he's in A school in South Carolina. If I could transfer, the decision would be easier to make, but out-of-state tuition is expensive. I don't want to take a break from school just to move in with my boyfriend, but he's going to be in school for a while. 

He could also be doing power school in a different state, after he's done A school, so I'm not sure if it would be worth moving down there and setting up school if I'll just be moving again. He keeps bringing up marriage, but I don't want to get married just because of the Navy and I've always thought it as traditional to move in with a boyfriend before marriage. 

I need some advice- I haven't spoken to my family about this issue yet, afraid of their reactions, so I wanted to save the dilemma to talk to them until I've finalized my own decision. All my friends whom I respect say no... or to follow my heart, as long as I stay in school then everything will work out. He was the one to suggest the idea, and I think our relationship is ready for this next step, but being away from my family and friends is going to be difficult when he's always working or on duty. 

 

Please help!! 

 

[TN Navy Mom (Stennis Nuke Mom)]

I am assuming that he's a Nuke if he's going to South Carolina.  A School is 3-6 months depending on his rate.  Then there is T Track which could be weeks to months.  My sailor's T Track was 3 months. Then there's Power School and Power School is in South Carolina and is 6 months long.  Then there's "grad hold" for however long, THEN there's Prototype which is either in South Carolina OR New York.

 

He could be in South Carolina for a year and a half, even if he goes to New York for Prototype.

 

Unless you are married, he will not be able to live with you as he will be housed in BEQ (Bachelor Enlisted Quarters) for the duration. Some other moms or wives will have to help me out on that since my sailor was married 1 month before bootcamp and has been in base housing since he arrived in SC.  Until you are married, he will not receive BAH to pay for your accomodations.

 

Hope this helps a little.

[Angie]

That is correct Sailors don't get money to live out in town unless they are married also schools don't have to allow sailors to live out in town if they aren't married.  So the young lady could be paying for a house for herself and only see her bf ever now and than.

[J/J Mom]

just my 2 cents...

from a mom...

Stay in college.  He will be so busy and so full of Navy obligations you will get frustrated with the lack of attention he will be able to give you if you are there. You would also be away from your support base in Maine, which might make it even more difficult for you.  Sometimes it really is true...distance makes the heart grown fonder.  Might very well be a great test for your future as a "Navy couple." 

Also, why go to the expense of out-of-state tuition unnecessarily??  Plus, if TN Navy Mom is correct [and she probably is], you will have the extra expense of an additional living quarters to upkeep down there.  Your school loans are likely to be big enough without adding these extras to them.

Sorry if it seems as tho i'm lecturing.  Not trying to, i'm just a realist.

peace to you & your decisions

[LindseyRae228]

No, no, it's fine, I'm trying to see it from all angles. I agree with you that I should stay in school, and thats what I'm concerned about- the money and loans. I knew he wouldn't have much time for me and I knew that I wouldn't be able to live WITH him, but NEAR him would be better than how things are now. Not being home would be an issue, but to be honest... I don't really have a support base at home. I have few friends and I don't talk to my family about this sort of thing- my boyfriend is my best friend, and he's the only one I really talk to about this sort of thing. 

Like I said, I need unbiased opinions, and I agree that I should stay in college. I guess I'm just trying to find an answer that isn't there, and hoping that someone has a great reason for me to move down there because I just miss him so much. 

Another question- does anyone know that if you get married, wherever your sailor is sent, do you get in-state tuition because your husbands in the Navy?

 

I appreciate the responses!

[HalfofaWhole]

If you're boyfriend is a Nuke, he will be very busy studying.  Which means even if you move down there, he probably won't get to see you until weekends anyway.  Do you have the money to pay for your own place?  How far along are you in school...let's say you transfer down there, but then he gets moved to a new base before you finish, what happens then?

 

I understand missing your boyfriend and wanting to be with him.  But don't just let your heart make this decision, because it's a big one.   Since he's in school right now and you're in school, try and think of it as if you chose two different out of state colleges to go.  If you're relationship is strong enough, you can withstand the long distance.  Plus, summer is right around the corner.  Can you take an extended summer vacation to visit him and maybe see how you like it down there?

 

As far as instate tuition, I think it varies state to state and school to school for their residency requirements.  You would have to contact the specific school.

 

 

[LindseyRae228]

This is the end of my second year, so I would have two more years of school, assuming I graduate on time. But I wasn't sure of transferring because if he did have to move, I'd have to do it all over again and that would just be an annoyance. 

 

I believe our relationship is strong enough to withstand the long distance... I just feel like it would be a perfect solution- he wants it, I want it... I live with my mom now, and I'm trying to get out of it, but Maine's cost of living is so high that while I'm in school, I can't keep up with the living expenses. If I were to move to SC he would help me with my rent every month and food... and I know I'd only see him on weekends, but a fresh start sounds good. I've kind of hit a wall in my plans and things aren't working out as I thought they would. 

 

I want to head down there for a vacation this summer- I've gone down for a weekend, but seeing him for more than that would be nice. I'm working on getting a second job now, and I have a summer class signed up so I can try to finish school as soon as possible. I loved it down there, and that was a big contributor to this dilemma. 

 

I guess I'm  just going to have to do what you say and just think of it as colleges in different states. I'm sure marriage is in our future, but like I said before, I don't want the Navy, or the distance between us, to be the reason he buys a ring. 

[ChrisAmo]

Being apart right now will be good practice for you. Being in the Navy means many months apart when he's on deployment. I know it's not the answer you want but stay in school,.You may need your college education in the future so stay in school and get your degree.Go for an extended visit this summer, see how much time he has to spend with you. Keep in mind that you don't want your problems to interfere with his schooling. As a Navy wife (which you may be at some time) you have to get used to the idea that the Navy comes first. When he's finished his schooling and gets his first assignment, you'll know then what to do. Keep in mind that unless and until you're married, you mean nothing to the Navy. No living together, no extra pay, no nothing.

[LindseyRae228]

I want my degree, and if I didn't have a responsibility to my job in the summer, I would take an extended visit there. In the summers I work full time, when school starts, I'm in school full time. I've been invested in this live since the two of us got together, and now my world is turned upside down with him gone. 

 

Right now, my view on the whole situation is... I'm just as busy as he is with school and work. I can find a new job, I can change schools and I can make friends with other navy girlfriends and wives and have a better support system there than I do here. On more than one occasion him and I have talked about marriage, and I know that I don't mean anything to the Navy until we're married, but maybe it wouldn't be long until we were. 

 

I'm not one to drop my life for just anyone and relocate, but I know that this man would do it for me. I could always come back if things didn't work out. 

[Beth]

He won't be able to move out in town, since he's a junior enlisted he's not eligible to receive BAH unless they are out of barracks room, being married is the only way he can move out more then likely, and even then it depends on the command, during A school DH married or not would of had to of lived in the barracks.  I would never attempt to move in with someone while they are in A school, they train non stop.  He doesn't even have his orders yet I would assume, they aren't in one place for very long till they are at there duty station, and even then if he's on a ship he'll have deployments and be leaving you alone a lot!   I've been married a year and a half, of that time we've spent 5 months together!  Of those 5 months he's been training half the time, I see him on the weekends.  He was deployed for 7 months, has done 2 different one month training ops, 2 different 2 week courses that where at different bases, and now that he's "home" he's gone every other m-f training.  

 

I dropped out of college to get married, which not that I don't love my husband, I do and I support him in this, but honestly I should of listened to my head and not my heart and stayed in school.  We're stationed in a place where the closest university is 2 hours away...  So I've had to change my major, doing online, working full time to make ends meet, and it's really a struggle.  The time he is home I'm having to bust my butt to get my school done, because I'm having to juggle it all, the pay isn't that great if you're e3 and below.  For us in the long run it would of been better for both of us if I had completed my degree, I would of been eligible for a decent base job.  I can not begin to tell you now many other women I've talked to, that just wish they would of finished college before taking this step.  It's better for both of you in the long run to spend this time apart so you can both focus on school and take care of what you need to.  With the constant movement of the navy there isn't much stability, which I feel is a big factor in school.  Even so if you're not planning on getting married soon, at his duty station after all of his schooling is complete if he is still below an e5 he won't be eligible to live off base and recieve BAH.  The cold hard truth is the Navy doesn't care about YOU till y'all are married, as a GF you are none existent as far as they are concerned.

 

My bottom line advice, stay in school!!  Once you've graduated relocate to where he is.  

 

If you did get married you would be eligible for in-state tuition.  Then again, you aren't guaranteed to be near a school.  Like I said above we live 2 hours from the nearest university in San Bernardino and that's one way.  The CC out here isn't accredited so it's completely worthless!  If you only have 2 years left just finish up, by the time he's out in the fleet you'll be just about finished.  They changed the tuition assistance for spouses the MYCAA only covers associates degrees now and he can't transfer any of his GI bill to you till he's been in for 6 years.

 

It depends on where he is stationed at after his training, I moved from Texas to California.  I had 120 hours of college in texas and was going to a big name university, when i got here I had 60 units that Cali would accept... I lost 2 years of school and about 30,000 dollars in tuition I had paid. My future-SIL is in the same boat she dropped out of a RN program in Virginia to move in with my BIL(also in the navy) with the intent to transfer and couldn't because none of the schools in Cali would accept her credits.  He wasn't suppose to be deployed, but three days prior to leaving they pulled him on, so he's on a boat somewhere and she was forced to move back home and now can't restart the program she was in without starting all over again.  They are getting married next month and she is just hoping that there is a school there she can finish at.   

[LindseyRae228]

Thank you so much for this advice- I think this is the most useful to me. I had made up my mind despite everyone's encouragement to stay in school, that I wanted to move. I feel like life is too short for me to be miserable here when I could be with him and start my life... but if it's going to set me back as you've been set back and I'd have to struggle like that then it's not worth it. I started college in the first place so I wouldn't have to struggle. 

 

I guess I'll just have to wait until we get married... which I also didn't want to wait very long for. I guess I'll just try to accelerate my education, though it's tough while I work so much too. I was hoping the Navy- if we were married- would understand that I'm in school and keep us in one place. Though, like you said, I could be far away from the school I wanted. 

 

I'm a premed student and I still would need medical school- which would be many more years added to what I have and I don't want to wait for that- but if I at least have a bachelor's degree... I could get a better job than one without a degree. 

 

He's already an E3 so I would think he'd be an E5 by the time I'm done my undergrad- or at least close to it. To be honest, I don't know a whole lot about the military and he tells me things but doesn't always know exactly what he's talking about... which is why I got on this website. I don't want to walk blind into a new life that wouldn't work out as planned- which is why I'm glad for your advice. 

 

I was worried about transferring because- first of all, I'd have to be accepted as a transfer. Second of all- like you said- all my credits would have to transfer... which going out of state, I know not all of them would. I'd be farther behind and paying a higher tuition. Then he could be sent to New York for power school and I'd have to do it all over again. 

 

I knew this would be hard... but I guess no matter how you much you prepare, it's never enough. It's better now that I can talk to him just about everyday- but our two lives are so busy that even communication is tough. No one I try to talk to really understands, and that makes it even harder. 

[Beth]

I completely understand where you're coming from.  I had convinced myself of the same thing!  Kept saying that we're not granted any amount of time here and I was ready to be with him, he couldn't come to me so I was going to go to him.  We would make it work.  Looking back, I could of been graduating this spring, with a engineering degree from UT.  Instead I'm still 20 classes away from an accounting degree.  The other was paid for this we're having to float the bill. It's put a lot of strain on us and it's not easy.  I wanted this time so we could be together, but I think we spend less quality time together now then when I was half a country away.

 

You have you're entire lives to be together, if there is one thing I've learned through this it is, even with the little communication, the distance, and all the challenges that come with long distance relationships the only thing it will do is make your bond stronger.  If you can make it through this then I truly feel you can overcome anything thrown at you as a couple. It's not an easy decision to make, but I for one feel it's the mature one and I think the right one for both of you.

 

If you have any questions about the military or anything feel free to give me a buzz.  Good luck to the both of you!! 

 

[Carolyn]

My daughter, is struggling with this decision also. Her BF (they are both active duty in the same rate) wants to get married. I think his decision is based on him leaving for a new assignment and right now they can't bear the thought of leaving each other. She's 19, he's 20. I wish they would get engaged and wait at least until she's 21. But I'll tell you some things I've said to her.

It's crazy the things we'll do for love. As women we'll give up the plans we made for our lives when the man we love pops the question. Does he have a clear plan for your lives together? Do you want to act in life or react to life? As women we have more power than we use in making major life decisions.

Your hands are really full being a college student. Why not focus on one important goal at a time? In today's world we feel we have to juggle so much and multi-tasking can be very stressful.

A couple in love, facing separation is a situation that's difficult even for the more experienced and mature people. Have you read the comments from girlfriends, wives and mothers whose loved one goes to boot camp?

Can you accept that you may have the most to deal with in this move? Find a place, move, pay the rent, find the school, apply and transfer, possibly lose the credits you've already worked for. I could go on. 

With military life you need friends. You have to learn to reach out more and widen your circle because there is no way you'll be able to depend on him for everything. If you do, it could cause resentment and stress for both of you. I encourage you to improve relations with your family. Military families depend on relatives and friends.

Life doesn't always go as planned of course. What if you get pregnant? Is pregnancy part of your plan in or out of marriage? What if he doesn't make E5 by then? Are you willing to live in unusual places, live a particular quality of life? There are so many questions and few answers.

Sounds like you have a lot to do before you make the big decision. Be gentle with yourself. Good Luck!