The Emotional Spiral of Deployment (can be applied to boot camp, too!)

[sailorwifenmom]

One of the ladies asked if I could post more info on the emotional spiral of deployment that I had mentioned in a different discussion, so here it is, for anyone who might be interested.  It's important to know that while these things are very normal responses, it doesn't mean that we are all going to feel all of them, or feel them in the same way.  It's also possible to completely skip or fly through one stage or another, to go through more than one at a time or have them sort of overlap, or to occasionally have days where we seem to "regress" (like we could be in the middle of the recovery stage, but then have a bad day on our anniversary...)   In fact, it's not unusual for someone to go through one separation, then have a totally different reaction and feelings with another one. 

It's kind of like being pregnant - there are a lot of basic similarities, but each one is still going to be unique :-)   These are some of the more common responses and what you can expect.  ( I do apologize, when I posted about them the other night, I mis-numbered the the stages I mentioned.)   Also, keep in mind, that it's very normal for the Sailors to experience this to a certain extent, too! 

1) Anticipation of Loss.  This is when you know that it's coming up, and you start to worry about it a bit, you kind of want to pretend that it's not going to happen, you want to hoard all the time you can have with them.

2) Detachment and Withdrawal - their leaving is getting closer, you might start to fight or "pull away" from each other more, you might find changes in your eating and sleeping habits, you could feel angry, you might have problems with sex or intimacy with them.  It's also normal to have feelings of "just hurry up and go already".

3) Emotional Disorganization - you feel disorganized, lonely, overwhelmed, and maybe resentful because you're feeling this way.  You can also feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster, because - especially if stage 2 has been very strong, there's often a feeling of relief that they're finally gone and you can get on with "getting this over with" and having them home again.  This stage is usually your "cereal for dinner, all day in your bathrobe" stage.  One day in your bathrobe, feeling sorry for yourself is OK.  Several days of it is NOT a good idea.  Make yourself get out and do something and connect with people!  ****  It's important to note that it's VERY easy to get "stuck" in this phase.  For most people, this stage just lasts a few weeks, but if you find it's lasting longer than about a month - 6 weeks, then it's probably a good idea for you to talk to someone or get help!****

4) Recovery and Stabilization - this is where you sort of hit your groove, or your "cruising altitude" so to speak.  You have your routine down, you miss them, but you know you can do this and you're going to be ok!  You're empowered, life is pretty normal, and you're even having fun and doing things - and that's ok!  It doesn't mean that you don't love your Sailor, it's just that you know that life can't stop just because they aren't there physically with you ( if it did, that's not good for you, for them, or for your relationship!)  :-)  This is a good stage :-) 

5) Anticipation of Homecoming - You're excited that they're coming home (or that you're going to see them again), you're looking forward to it, but you might have some anxiety - Is he going to be changed?  Have I changed?  Is he still going to be attracted to me?  It's also important to keep your expectations realistic.  If they are coming home from a deployment, they're going to be tired.  If it's Liberty at a PIR, there's only so much time, and odds are, other people there that want to spend time with your Sailor, too.  These reunions are VERY rarely like what they show in the movies or on tv.  BUT THAT'S OK - because while they aren't a fantasy reunion, they're BETTER, because they're with the person you love and it's real :-)

6) Renegotiation of the Marriage Contract -  This can also be considered renegotiation of the family contract if you have kids, or the relationship contract if you're not married.  Basically, we ALL go through this stage.  You ARE going to have changed, and so will your Sailor - even if it's just in a small way.  Nothing in life stays stagnant or exactly the same, even without the Navy, deployments, boot camp, etc.  This is where you readjust to being together again - you're used to being "in control" and having to give some of that back up to him, he's used to not being in "family mode", he's been in "Sailor mode" and has to adjust to switching back and forth... (or how you're going to handle being in a long distance relationship).  Just remember, change happens to ALL of us in life, and it it does NOT have to be a bad thing!  This really can make you stronger as a person, and as a couple!!! 

The key to all of these stages though is to be aware of them, to know that you are NOT alone as you go through this, and that these feelings are normal, and to communicate!  With each other, and with other people going through the same thing.  It can and will help make it easier! 

Anyway, these are the emotional stages of the spiral of deployment, I hope that it helps, knowing what to expect. 

[sailorwifenmom]

UGH --- SORRY - I can't believe I forgot the last stage --

Stage 7) Reintegration and Stabilization -- This is where you're "back to normal" and functioning smoothly as a unit again, even if  your "normal" isn't the same as it was before the deployment or boot camp experience. 

[ms.bre_5]

This actually helps, my bf just left for deployment and ive been okay so far I have to get my mind set the way i had done it for bootcamp. We both have came a long ways and have grown stronger, the only thing that kills me is that fact I wont see him for 10 months! I just hope we dont grow apart with no communication...

[Jesse's Girl]

This really helps, thank you! I'm definitely in stage 3~ totally disorganized, in a bathrobe. Ms.bre, what rate is your bf? I'm so sorry you're having to go through this...I'm sure I'm not too far behind you. My fiance has only been in bootcamp 17 days and I'm...not doing well...I just miss him alot and I haven't gotten the form letter yet so I'm kinda discouraged. But I got this! But geez 10 months is a long time...I keep hearing alot of guys get deployed for 10 months at a time. I always heard no longer than 6, but clearly someone's information was incorrect.

[meagan5220]

They used to do mostly 6 month deployment and still sort of say its 6 months unless they are needed for longer but the need for ships is becoming greater. And a lot of ships are getting worked on so the schedule has definitely been thrown to the wayside in many cases.

[Angie]

10 month deployments are starting to be the normal. 

[ms.bre_5]

He is a E-1 he has only been  in the navy for 7 months and already have gone through A-school in florida and C-school in California and now deployment. When he gets back he should be an E-3 already. I remember those days like if it was yesterday and it was the worst feeling in the world saying goodbye. I didnt get a form letter till the 3rd week and the letters started coming in. From experience always ALWAYS stay strong and be the biggest fan you can be and in your letters send photos and maybe some perfume my bf always like that. The letters are what makes you stronger as a couple! And PIR is a wonderful experience so try to make it :)

[sailorwifenmom]

I agree if you can make it to PIR it is a good experience! We were very glad to make it to our son's, and both my husband and I remember ours from yrs ago. But, if you can't make it, don't beat yourself up either, because there are going to be other great Navy moments you will get to share :-)

[sailorwifenmom]

6 months was what they aimed for, but with the increase in mission, decrease in manning, and changes to global and tactical situations, the length of the deployments on average are getting longer. BUT, seriously, having survived many deployments and separations as a couple over the years (of various lengths - the longest was 9 mos) - when it all boils down to it, after a certain point it kinds doesn't matter how long it is (sort of like the deployment version of after you have so much money it really just becomes a number...) because you can't do all 8 weeks of boot camp or all 10 months of a deployment all at once, all you can do is that day. Then in the morning, all you do is that day... After awhile, those "just one days" build up and you're looking at homecoming :-)

Don't get me wrong, it sucks when they're gone, and some of them are gone for a long time and that is HARD! But when you focus too much on just how long it's going to be, and try to emotionally take it all on at once, it can be really overwhelming. And there is a small silver lining - usually when they're deployed they can still email and call more than they can in boot camp :-)

[ms.bre_5]

I am slowly starting to get use to it, it was we werent prepared when they told him he was going on deployment it was kinda like "pack up your stuff and get ready to leave in 3 days" he was told that he was going to leave in 2 years a week before... it was just unexpected.... but your right just taking it day by day helps alot!!!!!! and it really does go by fast. Thanks sailorwifenmom, its hard to find people in your area to relate to, I just dont know how the communication works overseas???? About how long will I hear from him?

[sailorwifenmom]

It really is going to depend on his schedule, what sort of platform he's deploying to (land, sea, air, sub...) and so on. I know that there are families stationed in Guam (there were also Sailors and families stationed in Japan where we just were, as well as squadrons deployed - without their families - there) - so I'm guessing it's going to be an ok deployment for him :-)

Again, it's going to be different for every Sailor - even Sailors on the same ship, on the same deployment, could have a huge difference in their ability to contact people back home depending on their ship's work schedule, computer access, etc... BUT - if he's going to be on land and have regular (personal) Internet access - he should be able to ask around and find out, or at the least find out when he gets there - look into him getting either a Magic Jack or a Vonage number. It works just like calling to and from the States and can save a fortune on your phone bills. This may or may not be feasible for him, depending on his specifics... If not, you can get some really good international calling cards from the Exchange.

[ms.bre_5]

okay thank you! I am not sure he is going to be stationed in Guam but that is where he was sent to, i wish I knew what ship he is on. I guess ill just gonna have to wait until i hear something from him and I will definetly let him know about the different resources that he can get a hold. Thank you so much!!!

[sailorwifenmom]

If he's on a ship then the Vonage and magic jack won't work but he should be able to email and when they're in port he should be able to call.