What are the ramifications when your sailor quits?

[candyr]

Anyone out there no what are the penalities when a sailor wants to quit submarine or Navy life?  My son told me he can't take it anymore that his obms. is pushing him to the brink of breaking down.  He hasn't finished his quals yet and his ship is in drydock in Virginia.  He said he wants to go back to finish his degree and he thinks the Navy will support him on this decision.  I've always been told that a discharge from the service will haunt you forever.  I asked him to wait until November when he has time off to come home, but he said his mind is made up.  He doesn't have family on the east coast so there is no one that he feels he can really talk to.  He has talked to a couple of sailors and they suggested to him that he try to go top side.  I keep telling him to hang in there, that things will get better with time, to pray, find someone to talk to, but its falling on death ears.  Any suggestions?

[lauren]

I agree with Gina, it really sounds like you are give your son wonderful support. It is hard for us moms to hear, but the sub quails are to push them to the brink. It is for their own protection and of course for the protection of the rest of the crew. Boats are very unique and it takes a person that has that type of personality or desire to serve on one. I appaulaude your son for taking on the challenge. If he decides that serving on a boat is not for him, it is nothing against his strength, will power, or anything like that. We are all just different and need to walk different paths.
Seeking topside might be a wonderful option, but not sure how that would work. You are right a discharge can follow him through his life. I don't believe your words are falling on deaf ears, just the age, don't want to think they need us.
Keep doing what you are doing Candy
There are some great tricks to getting trough an impossible day .... If you would like to talk just " PM" me ill send you my info
Also I will contact my son to get ideas/ thoughts from him. He has been through some very interesting situations
Peace and Huggs my sista

[Marybeth]

He should speak to the chaplain, or maybe even someone "outside" of the Navy.  It's great that he talks to his shipmates but assuming that they are in the same situation as he is they probably aren't as objective.   If it's someone in his command giving him a hard time, I don't know if going up the chain will help, or if they are just trying to break him down to build him back up again.  Like in bootcamp, this is when they are trying to find out what they are made of - they need to know that he can handle himself in any situation. 

Does he do anything to relieve stress on his down time?  Exercise, hobbies?   

I hope these feelings pass soon...  good luck. 

[Popeye's Mom Alum DIV 031 1-6-12]

Didn't know which page you might see this on so i reposted here. :)

candyr-I'm very sorry to hear about your son. When did he graduate boot camp? My son PIR'ed last January & has gone thru some really rough times. I understand about the dolphins. Our sailor had gotten behind on his quals for awhile & his chief asked him why he didn't know about it. He also told him to accept the help of his fellow sailors cause ours is PROUD & doesn't want to take "charity" as he calls it. Now they are gearing up for an underway & he is so busy he can't see straight & for him that is very good. The depressive times seem to happen more when he's bored. I'm sorry I forgot what you said about him talking to someone-our son talked with his ship's "doc" & that seemed to help. Good luck to your sailor & you. Maybe things will turn around & work out for him. I'll keep you in my prayers!

[LLovesmysailor]

Please try to talk him out of going for a discharge. A medical discharge or psych discharge will indeed follow him into civilian life. He may get his degree but getting a job afterwards could be difficult. He might try to get his degree and stay in the Navy. He can try to get a change of duty station and/or go carriers if they deem him unfit for the sub service. But that is also a very difficult process. I agree that he should seek out the chaplain on base. They are a wonderful support system for all sailors. Good Luck.  

[candy-oh!]

Don't let him quit. Less than a year ago my beautiful, smart 19 year old son was sitting in our backyard weeping, saying he just couldn't take it anymore. His dad and I were devastated to see him so distraught. I was afraid he would do something stupid. My neighbor, whose brother is a submariner and whose ex-husband is a submariner, said that this would happen...I just didn't expect it to be so heartbreaking. My son just got his quals last month...they just happened to be in Norfolk so we were able to attend the ceremony. He still doesn't care too much for the sub, and he is planning on moving to surface when his 4 years are up, but he is fulfilling his years on the sub. We had contacted a chaplain, trying to figure out what the consequences would be if he left. I don't think it would have been good. 

I was totally unprepared for how painful it was to watch my son go through this process. He was so torn between responsibility and absolutely hating the sub and hating his life. It hurt him and it hurt us to watch him. It was truly the most terrible thing I have had to go through as a parent. Once he actually got his quals his quality of life improved so much. I assume your son is in Norfolk; I would love to go get him and bring him to our house in Suffolk for a weekend if e needs to get away. He could have his own room. Our house is old and horribly dusty and I hate to vacuum but we have dogs...it's a terrible combination. But we will welcome him and treat him like our own and we can get him off the boat for at least a little while. 

Candice LeDoyen

[candy-oh!]

I forgot to say...we also told our son that whatever he decided to do we were behind him 100%. I really wanted to make sure that he was not shamed by us or anyone else in the family...I knew he would be harder on himself than any of us could be. candyr, I can't get you guys out of my mind...I am trying to remember how to ask to friend you...I feel so sad for you and your son. Please know that I am very serious when I offer to go get your son. I am only like 30 minutes away. My son doesn't associate much with other people on the sub so he is very lonely, which hurts me to hear. I would hate for your son to be going through that when we are so close.

[janh]

Hi,
My son was in the same place. Boat in dry dock and working 18+ days. The newbies aren't treated very well and are under tremendous pressure. He was very depressed and wanted out. Anyway, we encouraged him to talk to his sea dad and captain. That did the trick. Don't know what they said to him but it sure helped. I imagine they deal with this a lot.
Once he went on his first underway, he has been doing great.
They are under so much stress. If he can hang in there, it should get better. We just told him we were behind him 100% - whatever he decided.
Best of luck to all of you. He and you should know that there are a lot of sailors and families that have been through this. Subs are one of the hardest jobs in the military!

[candyr]

Thank everyone for your kind words and encourgement!  I cried because of all the support and love I felt from this group.  Thank God this group exist.  I called my sister and told her what my son said and how he was feeling and she called him right away.  He called me again and we talked. He said he thought about what I said and he knows that I will always support him 100%. I told him the replies to my post.  I know he felt such a great relief to know it's not just him.  He spoke to his commanding officer and he wasn't aware that my son felt the way he did.  They thought he was doing good.  It made me feel so happy to know that even the Navy was trying to help keep him aboard.  My son is a very late bloomer and some what sheltered and never had to deal with a lot of pressure and stress. My son has decided to remain  a submarier and will talk more to his commanding officer or other ship mates when he is feeling down. He is enrolled in a stress mangement class.  Thank you once again everyone for the support and kind words.  He doesn't know it, but my hair went gray over night after I recieved his call.   

[candy-oh!]

I am glad you were able to talk to him and that he talked to his CO. I am not surprised your hair went gray over night.  I was heartbroken...I'm not sure I had ever really known the meaning of the word until this happened.  My son never really had to deal with pressure or stress, either. I think it must be like hitting a brick wall. He said that everyone kind of knows what to expect in bootcamp but no one ever told him that it gets worse when you are on the sub. The 18+ hour days and the horrible way unqualified sailors are treated must be so bad. I think the way my son was spoken to bothered him more than anything...he was never degraded or bullied here, so to be spoken to in such a demoralizing way when you havne't really done anything has got to suck. I am hoping that he will remember the way he felt when he gets into the position of choosing how to treat others. And he's lonely, which makes me want to cry all the time, but he I know he will find his way. I am glad you are feeling better, grey hair and all!! :)

candy-oh!

[Popeye's Mom Alum DIV 031 1-6-12]

candyr-That is great news! Luckily, whenever our sailor has gotten down, he has talked to the chaplain or someone & gotten thru. It is very hard! I totally agree with candy-oh! about knowing what to expect in boot but not after you go to your base. I was floored when our son called a little while after getting to Groton,CT begging us to get him out any way we could! I thought the hard part was over but what really happened was only spending those few hours with us after PIR just did him in. He missed us, home, friends, everything. It's funny also how different Moms have mentioned their sons are loners. Our son had buddies while they were in school but they all went to other bases & he hasn't made any friendships to speak of on the boat. Hopefully, as he gets his quals & they get to be more accepted, he'll make some friends. I'm a total people person & that would kill me! It's so nice to hear we're all in this together & are sharing some of the same experiences. That's why I love my Navy family! Have a great weekend!

[Rebecca K. (SHIP13DIV247)]

I'm so happy everything worked out for your son Candyr! I think it awesome that he's taking stress management, and decided to stay a submariner!  Best wishes for you, your son and your family. Sincerely, Rebecca 

Fyi;  I hadn't been able to see my e-mail for a few days, but as soon as I saw that you had a dilemma I responded right away.  It wasn't till after I posted my advice, that I saw that everything worked out.  lol 

[Rebecca K. (SHIP13DIV247)]

Dear Candy; I'm so sorry your son is very unhappy in the Navy. My son has expressed to me (many a time)how stressful being a submariner can be. I've found out the seems to be the consensus of fellow submariners through reading posts, on this site, witten by their moms. Its true, an other then honorable discharge will follow him through life, and will most likely prevent him from getting any type of goverment job. That doesn't mean he cannot be successful in whatever career he chooses, though it is a "black" mark on his record. Yet, if he gets a medical discharge everything should be fine. My daughter's friend and a recent ex-submariner left the Navy for the same reasons your son is expressing why he wants to leave. Anyway he received a medical discharge, and officially he received an honorable discharge, and by getting an honorable discharge he can still reap the benefits from being in the Navy (example, financial help with college). My advise to you and your son is to find out all his options(example Can he go to the surface fleet?...if he would like transfer).  I think your son might benefit from seeing a psychologist. In doing so a psychologist can help him figure out if Navy life is for him or not. Just tell your son to be honest with his feelings when talking to medical personal. (There is a specific reason I meantioned being honest with his feelings. If you would like to know why I said that, plz private message me)  That way, he may receive an medical discharge, if that is what your son wants and truely needs. You might want to talk to your Ombudsman and a local Navy recruiter. I believe they would have the answers to other questions that  you may have, or they could you direct you to people who could give you answers. Hopefully, they can help you and your son some way. I hope things get better for your son real soon. I'll say a prayer for you and your family.  Try to stay strong Candyr....for your son and yourself. If you would like someone to talk to I'll be here. Plus, I know you can find support through the other moms on this site. Take care and God Bless. Sincerely, Rebecca