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Sad to discuss...Divorce
I just need some advice to pass on to my daughter. I love and adore her and her husband but things were not all dreamy in their married life. She has been hurt numerous times and other than catching him in the act, is absolutely certain he has been cheating on her. Also has not been helping her with their baby and is completely irresponsible. She is going to counseling but so far is still set on divorcing him.
So here is my question - what now? She needs financial help with the baby and he isn't providing it. I have been told she could contact someone to help her get financial support even before they are not divorced. Also, even when they were living together she couldn't control his irrational spending and is concerned about his financial health. It's worse when she isn't there to rein him in. Is there some way to get someone to talk with him about his financial responsibilities?
She came home for a while thinking that if she left and brought the baby home he might grow up, but the situation only got worse. She went back thinking they could work things out (but without telling him that was what was on her mind), and that's when she found evidence of the cheating. She came home hurt, angry and disillusioned. Went to counseling and was on the path to forgiveness and found out MORE about him cheating even before they were married. I don't think she will ever forgive him now. She loves him, and I think he loves her too, but there is alot of growing up and maturing to be done in this relationship before it will ever work. Please some one help out with some advice. THANKS!
Views: 1233
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Anti M on
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He is getting money for her and the child, BAH and so on, and she is entitled to a chunk of his pay. To get this, she must contact his command. The Navy takes supporting dependents very seriously. It is fraud for him to keep her share of benefits and allowances. It will get him in trouble, but he should be in trouble for shirking his responsibilities. No pussy-footing around, call his Command Masterchief ASAP. PM me if she needs help finding the number, ALL the commands have contact information out there. I can find it if you can't.
Do NOT put up with non-support. I've seen this time and again, and the Navy will force him to set up a direct deposit to her account. Untangle their accounts as fast as she can get separate ones set up!!!! She should join Navy Fed while she has the chance, if he's a member.
As for his reckless spending, the Navy will only counsel him if he gets in too deep. And then they come down like a bag of hammers.
Once the divorce is final, he should get BAH-diff to help with his child support. The child will have an ID card and Tricare and access to base facilities until they are 18. Make sure it is in teh court ordered support documents. Not a bad idea to insist on a college fund he can't touch too ... a 529 should do the trick. (google it).
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Permalink Reply by motherinlawtobe on
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Hi - I have kind of let this slide because she thought she would give him a chance to man up and take care of her and their son. However, that doesnt seem to be the case. They do have a joint checking account and we don't have a Navy Fed anywhere near us - I am not sure how to go about getting her off accounts, when really she only gets anything from him when she just takes her debit cards and buys what she and the baby need. She has to do this AS SOON as the money hits the bank, otherwise he will overdraft. Anyway - we are to the point now where she needs to make that call to his Command. She gave him two full months to help her out and he hasn't done it. Time to start hammering the nails. Will you PM me and let me know what steps she needs to take?
I started thinking, if you are getting BAH for a family and your salary, and it's just you, you are sharing the rent and utilities with another sailor, and you are only paying her car payment and insurance, where's the rest of the money? Interesting huh?
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If he is not sending her the BAH, and he only gets it because of her, not for his place, oh he'll get hammered, hard.
She needs to get on the phone TODAY to his command. You or she can google it, they're all online these days.... look for the Command Masterchief.
I sent a friend request so we can do this someplace other than a forum. She'll need a lawyer too, but start with his command.
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She really needs to talk to someone in Legal at his base to find out what is all involved. Sorry I cant help more maybe someone else will give you a better way to go. Good luck to your daughter.
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Legal will make her route it through his command first. Always take it to the chain of command first, and the CMC is a good liaison for personal matters of this nature.
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Divorce is a civilian matter, she needs to contact a civilian laywer. In the mean time, yes she should contact his command CMC so he gives her money while they are still married. AS far as support after they are divorced, that is something that the civilian lawyer has to put in the divoce decree.
Check out the link below has good info:
http://www.cnic.navy.mil/navycni/groups/public/documents/document/c...
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I knew there were better people than me to get the right answers. Thanks gals
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Permalink Reply by ebigirl on
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Great advise as always ladies. motherinlawtobe: If you have the resources to hire a GOOD civilian attorney for your daughter, PLEASE do. My mom was able to do this for me, and it made all the difference. My ex-husband was not Military, but former law enforcement and has two seperate retirements. HE decided after 22 years of marriage that he wanted a divorce and showed me the door! I had NO say in the situation at all. I have been disabled and collecting Social Security for over 15 years, and had NO idea this was coming, and NO $$$$. If I hadn't had a great attorney I would have been shafted big time. Your daughter needs to open her own bank/credit union checking/saving account TODAY!! She needs to get her name OFF of any kind of utility bills if there are any. I would also advise her to contact any and all credit card companies that they have JOINT accounts at and FREEZE the accounts as far as any further responsibility on her part. Also, have her apply for her own credit card NOW, just in case of emergencies and without his name being any part of it. It will be next to impossible for her to obtain any kind of credit very soon if his spending out of control and her name is on the accounts. I would guess 99% that she is on the accounts.
He will have legal representation from the Navy (please correct me if I am wrong here ladies), and she NEEDS to have the same to be playing on a level playing field. She needs to get to court ASAP to file for support for both herself and their child, both monitarily and with health insurance. Once he gets wind that she is/has filing for divorce, he could become enraged and abusive. I would recommend that she move back home with you again just to make sure he can't hurt her or the baby.
My #1 concern if she were my daughter would be her and the baby's safety and well being. So many things go on behind closed doors, and she might be afraid to tell anyone IF he has been abusive towards either one of them in the past or present. I'm not saying he has been, but you have to think of all of the possibilities. Abusers are very sneaky and very good at getting away with and silencing the people they abuse.
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