My recruit isn't handling this well...

[WebbiesMom]

I don't know what else to do. He wanted to join the Navy. Its all he has talked about for the past year, longer even. He was diligent in the DEP program. He was stressed out that they would deny him up until he stepped on that plane. I have not spoken to my son since he left 3 weeks ago. I got the scripted "I'm here" call, the form letter, and the box. He has had the opportunity to call 3x and each time he has called his fiancé'. I understand why he calls his fiancé' and I am not upset about it (although I do miss him terribly and am dying to hear his voice), and we are close, so I am a bit surprised that he hasn't wanted to call me even once. I am distressed, however, because his phone calls are upsetting to her. He cries. He says its not boot camp that has him emotional. He says he misses her. He is exhausted and sleep deprived. He is homesick and he misses her very much..... but I'm so worried that he is cracking under the pressure. I asked his recruiter, who he really respects and admires, to write to him and to encourage him. I have sent him many letters of encouragement, reminding him that there are MANY other SRs going through the same emotions as he is and that this isn't forever, and he can do it.... I'm just so worried. Do any other recruits have these types of emotional break downs??? Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom to share?

[B'sNukeMoM⚓️MMN(Vet)]

The first few weeks are usually the toughest on the SR's.  That's when they are "breaking them down" so to speak so they can build them back up.  Keep sending the positive letters and by all means make sure his fiance is staying positive and encouraging him!!!  I hope she's not crying that she's missing him too - that will only make it harder on him.  It's too bad you can't talk to him so you can encourage him, but just keep writing!  Hang in there.....soon this will all be a distant memory and he will be a US SAILOR!

[WebbiesMom]

She cried at the first call, but she is now feeling frustrated that she isn't able to ease his mind. They have made plans for their future, and all of the plans revolving around the Navy. She is afraid he wants to quit. I don't think my son wants to quit, but his brain is like scrambled eggs. He's exhausted. I will tell her to keep up the encouragement. Thank you for your reply.

[lemonelephant]

Since he is still with his division, what he is facing is seen as normal. There are recruits who are sent to the REU and then to SEPS for having emotional break downs. Keep encouraging him. Things will get better once he and the others in his division start working together.

[WebbiesMom]

thank you! He called her again this morning, and this time she conferenced me in so I could speak with him. I think this is definitely a sleep deprivation thing. :( He said he doesn't know why he can't sleep. The other SRs around him can sleep, but he has been operating on about an hour of sleep every night for almost 2 weeks now. We have encouraged him to go to the infirmary or sick bay (not sure what its called in the Navy) to tell them he can't sleep. I don't know what they can do, but maybe something. Because his fiancé' could conference us in one at a time, he was able to speak with all of us, and we all think he is feeling better and hopefully he will be able to sleep and things will start to click for him. I'm still worried about him and continue to say my prayers. 

[lemonelephant]

Hopefully, he is getting more sleep than he thinks he is because if that is the case, it will affect his performance and then he will be sent to the Recruit Evaluation Unit (REU) to determine the severity of the problem. Hopefully, he adjusts soon.

[William in Nashua]

If after 3 full weeks  of boot camp  the other recruits are all getting their night's sleep but your son still gets 1 hour per night for the past two weeks something is not right.    Insomnia at that age is not normal and can be a symptom of  a more serious condition and is considered a psychiatric red flag by doctors.  By week 4 a recruit should be sleeping and should not be crying.  It seems like there is a lot of other emotional stuff going on too but at the end of the day he has to help himself.  You would surely feel better if he called you and maybe can pass that idea to your son via the fiance.

He should talk to a doctor and find out what is going on, just my opinion.

[rxl100]

Yes, this is not out of the norm.  My husband pushed 7 divisions and he would say that many recruits would have a hard time adjusting, especially in the first few weeks - even those who are "prepared." Things do settle down (which is relative) and they  eventually get into the swing of things.   

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

My husband wanted to be in the navy from the time he was in first grade. He spent literally his whole childhood and teen years reading everything he could about the navy, participating in sea cadets, working with the local navy league and chief petty officer’s association to learn about navy life, etc. His last year of high school he was all set to go to either ROTC or the Naval Academy until his medical waiver for eyesight was pulled. He would not be eligible to enlist at this point either. Not one to give up, he took out loans and paid for college himself and fought long and hard to eventually be accepted into DEP and then a few months later (prior to leaving for bootcamp) Navy OCS. Navy OCS is kind of like the officer version of bootcamp, especially in the aspect that they break you and rebuild you up.  There’s also very limited communication home. He worked hard to get into the navy and that has always been his life’s goal!

Because of this, no one had any doubts that he would excel and do so well at OCS and in his career beyond it. We had been best friends for years before this and by the time he left for OCS, we were engaged. He has a wonderful, supportive family that he is close to and has been behind his decision to join for a long time.

You can imagine our surprise when the first phone call came in from OCS and he said “I think I made a mistake- I want to come home- I miss you too much to be away from you.” I was that fiancé who got all the phone calls and it was difficult for me to know how to handle. For weeks the letters and phone calls were always “I miss you, I want to come home.” It was upsetting to me because I knew that he had worked his whole life for this but I knew if he heard me cry or worry it would just upset him more.  So we all kept encouraging him via letters and me through calls, and he made it through that “break them down” part of training (even after getting injured and spending an additional five weeks at OCS).  He began to feel like he could do it and we proudly all went and saw his graduation and commissioning. 

Now he’s been in the navy for over five years. We have survived multiple deployments, underways, and over four years of geo-baching (where the active duty member lives in one place and the spouse in another). We both have been thriving during his time in the navy and he is on track to make this a career.  Now my husband is on staff at boot camp and assures me that yes, for the first few weeks, it is normal for some recruits to have a difficult time adjusting.

Everyone in your family should keep encouraging your recruit. Remind him that bootcamp is only temporary. And ultimately, the staff at boot camp WANTS your recruit to succeed and will try their best to help him. You should let him know that he is missed- but that everyone is doing okay and keep it positive! My husband says the most reassuring thing he can hear from me when he is away is “I love you, I miss you, I'm still here waiting for you, and everything is fine here and I’m doing well!” Hang in there- if navy life has taught me anything it’s that things work out the way they are supposed to. Keep supporting your son! You all can do this. :)

[BunkerQB]

It's great for a former fiancee who had gone thru the experience of getting the "I want to come home." call to weigh in. This will help many realize that it's not unusual for the recruits (enlisted or OCS) to have a flip-flop in the beginning. Please don't go away. Stick around and help. You are a good writer. My son was a former nuke officer. I am still around to update various discussions and provide some support here and there but your comments are much more insightful.

Thank you and a bravo to you for being the supportive loved one at home.

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

You are very kind. I try to post on here when I can. I work too much to be on here much but some is better than none! This site was very helpful to me when my husband did OCS/his sea tours and I like to try to return the favor. I hope your son is enjoying life on the civilian side, and please thank him for his service for me. It isn't easy, whether you serve five years or thirty!

[WebbiesMom]

Oh my gosh!!! Thank you so much for this!! His fiancé' has been in the same boat, not knowing what to say to help him and to ease his mind. She is on her way over right now so we can go shopping, and I am going to show her this posting. I think this will help her, too, as she helps him through this period. He called her again yesterday, but this time she conferenced me in so that I could hear his voice and speak with him about what he is feeling. She then conference in his grandfather (my dad), a Navy veteran. When they were finished, she brought on the line her own parents (his future in-laws whom he admires and adores) and they, too, spoke with him. By the end of the call, she said he was beginning to sound like his old self and was speaking with optimism for his/their future. It is so wonderful and such a relief to me to be here and read your uplifting and hopeful words. It was a terrible thing yesterday, to hear my son's voice and have to be tough with him. I'm normally a warm-fuzzy mom so he was probably surprised that I was being as firm as I was. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to everyone here for your support!

[Court1990]

I have been sending letter to our Son too. I started putting in notes and letters from his Friends and I just got a letter telling me thank you that they couldn't have come at a better time the first one I sent he said they had all just gotten B..... at that day and having those letters help him. So maybe that will help. I did ask them and printed and sent them because more kids there age don't have stamps and would think of that so I thought it would be a way for him to get notes from his friend and it did help. Maybe that would help him. How much longer does he have in boot camp?