marriage next week? yes or no

[nicolel818]

my boyfriend and i have discussed getting married, legally, sometime before next year when he deploys, and use the extra money he'd be getting to save for the actual wedding. I am going to visit him next week and he asked me if we could get married when I get there, so he could afford the ring I want. he also suggested that we would play it off like we only got engaged, not telling anyone including our families that we legally wed. Our families both support the idea and have given their blessing of us getting married, with the idea that it would be next year not next week. I told him no let's wait, so he said he would move out of his apartment as a solution to afford the ring. Both situations make me feel kind of guilty. 1) keeping the marriage a secret from family doesn't sit well with me or 2) have him forfeit a warm place to sleep just for a ring 

What is your take on this? Am I right by telling him no? I feel like it would get back somehow to either one of our families (I am still in college and my parents pay for my schooling, I feel like somehow my financial aid would be affected, almost as if I am lying about being unmarried when I am really not and getting more/less financial aid because of it)

[abuon18]

I think you have your answer. You aren't comfortable with the idea so you shouldn't do it. You should NEVER get married unless you are 100%... And even though you are 100% ready to marry him a year from now, clearly you're not this week. So don't rush it.

I know a lot of.military wives who have secretly gotten married and then had a big ceremony later and most of them regret it, because even if you have the big ceremony later, they missed having their friends and family there on the actual day they got married. Also, a lot of them end up in situations where their friends and families find out and end up really hurt.when your families are already so supportive are you really ready to do something that will make them feel hurt and betrayed?

Finally, despite the fact that you are in college, his shconsider ake you move to where ever he is stationed. I have heard this happen before. If they don't make you move to where he is stationed, they may make him move back on the ship anyway because he will be considered a geobachelor. I'm not sure how it would affect financial aid for school though.

Ther

[abuon18]

Sorry, my phone sent this too quickly!

Also, there are other ways to save for your ring. He can just cut back on spending. He can get you a different "placeholder" ring for now and when he IS making more money buy you the ring of your dreams. You can go without a traditional engagement ring and just get a wedding ring so he has a year to save up.

[nicolel818]

thank you for all of that great input. I think I just needed to be reassured to make the weird feeling go away. I appreciate it

[WifeofaUSsailor]

My husband and I got married this past December. We have been together for six years and talked about getting married for the last couple of years. It's not a decision we made lightly or decided to do on a whim. We are both 19 and I am in college so I know the struggles of being young and trying to get married. My ring is nothing super expensive but it didn't matter to me as long as we got married. On our day we had all of our friends and family there and it was so worth it I wouldn't have had it any other way. Make sure you have your parents support. Just starting out is really hard and it's nice to be able to call them and ask for advice. As for me, I am doing online school and getting a discount since I am a military spouse so it could actually help you instead of hurt you. But if you want to get married bad enough that stuff can be worked out. The point is you need to be 100% certain like the other girl said. Don't do it because it's convenient, do it because you can't imagine your life with anyone else. Marriage shouldn't make you feel guilty it should make you feel happy!

[EmilyNicole98]

1. Your financial aid will most definitely be affected. Legally, you have to report your true marital status for FAFSA. The amounts will most likely change drastically (my aid tripled when I got married because my parents make a lot more than what the military pays, and you're probably in a similar boat), so your parents will notice the amounts changing...also if you change your last name, you will have to change it for school and FAFSA, so they would see that. 

2. I would never, ever, ever get married without telling my parents. We almost did the same thing and when it came out later that we had been thinking about it, my mother was crushed. I have several friends who got married in secret and it created an enormous amount of family drama and severely damaged relationships. One of them in particular was outcasted by her husband's family because they were so angry and that marriage ended up in divorce because of it...so yeah, not a good idea. It's not at all a good start to a marriage!

3. A lot of people, especially young military wives, don't have engagement rings or else have really inexpensive ones. It's pretty normal because rings are so expensive (and unnecessary - save the money to buy things for your first home, you'll need it!).

4. And of course, as everyone else has said....don't say "I Do" until you're 100% sure about it! Even if you feel ready to marry him next year, that doesn't mean you're ready to marry him next week.

5. Another thing... If you get married, what will happen with college? Will you be graduated by then, will you transfer, or will you continue to live in a different state for a few years until you finish? Being married and living apart is a whole different world from just dating or being engaged and being long distance. It's also completely different when they are deployed versus when they are in port and you're apart. Just something to think about! 

[nicolel818]

appreciate all the response from everyone. I feel much better about my decision. I think I knew it was the right decision telling him no from the start, but I feel more at ease about it hearing from you all. thanks for that.

To Emily- I will be graduating from school pretty much the same time he deploys. And he is extremely supportive of me having a career and having that career anywhere I want it to be, he is very understanding and encourages it. I don't know where I want to try to be yet, but it's nice knowing I have the flexibility to go anywhere.

I'm pretty positive I'll be engaged by the end of next weekend, but I promise I won't be married yet :)

[Anti M]

Very good advice here already.  If you are uneasy, then no, it is not the time.  Wait out the deployment, don't rush things.

Do NOT lie about marital status on financial aid.  That is fraud and you, and potentially your parents,  could be prosecuted.  Finish school.  Not completing your education would be a huge weight over the marriage and could divide your family.  I have a friend whose adult children just defaulted on their student loans which she had co-signed.  She and husband were ready to retire, but now they have a second mortgage and she is looking at another decade of work when she should be enjoying her well earned rest.  She is PISSED at her kids. Don't jeopardize your relationship with your parents.  It is important to be honest with the people who love you and who foot your bills.

Don't worry about the engagement ring. It will come when it is the time.   Heck, I didn't even have a wedding band for the first two years of my marriage.  Now I have several nice rings, been through a lot of anniversaries!   Consider a promise ring, something special but nothing which would break his budget. 

My sailor nephew and his wife got married without telling the family, far from home.  Being married was practical, but having a church wedding was not.  They passed it off as an engagement, but I knew because I'd been Navy and picked up a couple clues ... she was doing stuff only a spouse could do.  They set aside money for a wedding, she had a dress and was all over Pinterest planning, but in the end they just posted pictures from the JoP and the money is going toward the baby who will be arriving this year.  The families got over the lack of a wedding, and so did he and she.  However, she was no longer in school, and they were a little bit older, which made all the difference.  

The point is, Navy life becomes complicated, you have to be patient and wait, and then maybe it moves fast.  Many "traditional" things you were taught to expect end up as not quite so important.  The ring, the white wedding day might become less important than being his wife, and affording a move to where he is stationed.  But if you wait, you may get it all.