NEED HELP

[HulaMom]

My son arrived at GL yesterday at 11P.M. At 11:45 P.M. my mother (his grandmother) died.  I got his "I'm here" phone call at 12:45 A.M. I didn't cry or tell him his grandma had died. She was 94 years old and was home with hospice the week before he left.  He had said he didn't want to know while he was at boot camp because he didn't want to have to go backwards and start over again.  Does anyone know if this is the case?  I respect him and I won't tell him, but then what happens at PIR? "Oh congratulations and Grandma did die the day you started boot camp"  That will be horrible for what should be the happiest day of his life.  I know I can call Red Cross and they can have a chaplain talk to him, but will that distract him too much.  Do I respect his wishes and not tell him at all during boot camp.  Do I call and find out what the procedure is?  Do I wait until PIR and not tell him until after he has Liberty so he can cry on his days off before he goes to A School.  Need some advice.   I am conflicted, sad, overwhelmed and I miss my son more because I feel so sad about my mom.  

[HulaMom]

CryptoDad you made me feel bad.  I am overwhelmed and need help from someone who may know.  I am not saying that I am going to call and have him come home for the funeral.  I don't hide things from my son.  He knows I am on NavyMoms and I value this website and topics are discussed in confidence.  He would want me to seek advice if that is what I thought I needed and if it would be supportive and help me through this sad moment.

[lemonelephant]

I am sorry for your loss. You know your recruit and you know what his wishes are. Many have had to face this situation over the years and some have waited and some have called the Red Cross--DON'T tell him in a letter or on the phone without having made contact with him through the Red Cross. There are recruits who have been emotional wrecks by that kind of news and could not keep their minds on what they needed to do and ended up moved back a week or two (or worse).

One thing you must keep in mind is have you informed EVERYONE who may write him or receive a call from him of his wishes not to be informed. If there is even a chance that someone would tell him, then contact the Red Cross and he will be notified and will have the support that he needs when the news is given and afterwards and he will most likely be able to call you.

If you can be assured that EVERYONE will keep this news from him, then you can wait until PIR. If you do wait, then you can tell him that news at the hotel sometime in the afternoon. I wouldn't wait until you are at the airport nor share right before he is returning to the RTC for muster nor immediately after PIR, but that is just my thoughts.

This website is NOT secure and info on here is NOT in confidence. This Site is NOT private and is OPEN to ANYONE with access to the web--even people who are not members of N4M are able to view almost everything on the site.

If you choose to call the Red Cross you will need the following information readily available:

• Your recruit's full name, birth date, and SS # and that he is at the Navy Recruit Training Command in Great Lakes, IL

• His division number if you know it, If not, the date that he arrived at the RTC

• Your mother's full name, birth date, date of death, and location of her death

• The name and phone number of someone that the Red Cross SAF case worker can call and verify the death--Someone at the hospital or funeral home is usually good.

• Your full name and phone number and relationship to him

If you have the information readily available when you make the call, you will be able to answer the questions without having to look things up or call back or have the case worker call you back. The number for the Red Cross is [phone].

[anasazigypsy]

You know your son best and you also know the choice he made about not being informed after he left. Sounds like your mom held on long enough to know/ sense that he had achieved the first step on his new life path. Much as I would want his presence, support, and comfort at this time, I think I would have to do the mom thing, and put his needs first. If it was me and I told him, and then for whatever reason things did not proceed smoothly to PIR, I would carry that guilt forever, and that is not something I am willing to do. By PIR, you will have had time to deal with your own pain, and will be better able to help him with his. So sorry for your loss. There is a whole new Navy family here for you now. Reach out as needed

[BunkerQB]

Don't tell him. Wait until after PIR. I would write a letter to anyone and everyone with his address and ask them to honor your son's request. I would go further and tell them all you'll never forgive whoever says a word and he/she/they will be banished from your life and your sailor's life in the future forever. Who would need friends/family who would do that anyway?

Do think about yourself. Think only about what your recruit needs. So sorry for your loss. My own mother has been gone since 1972. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her.