Sailors who don't/won't communicate

[Arwen]

Is there anyone else here who only rarely hears from their sailors? I haven't heard from my son since January, just before his ship left for spring patrol. I know he has been in port several times, has been back in home port for two weeks, and is not affected by the quake/tsunami.

 

He only calls every few months, never emails, and doesn't use his Facebook page.

 

My brother-in-law went two years without calling his mother, when he was stationed in Italy, and I see my son going down that path.

 

How do you deal with never hearing from your sailors, and have you figured out any tricks to get them to call?

[Donna AKA Hunter's Mom]

So sorry to hear that communication is so difficult. I can't say that I had those issues with my son. Occasionally he would be bad about contact especially when at sea by email. He always said there isn't anything new... it is boring not much to talk about. Sometimes I think it is their way of dealing with being homesick. Whenever it had been too long since I'd heard form him my email would always say.... hey are you alive??? did you fall off the ship??? And that generally got his attention.

Send him a package with homemade cookies and a heartfelt letter about how you would love to hear from him. Ask him to call you even if it is for a couple minutes, tell him how important it is to hear his voice.

Now that my son is stateside since last August we talk more because it is simply that much easier. Those 14 hours of time difference are horrible hours!

Hang in there and know that other moms are out here to help listen to you.

[Gemma Afable-Rangeloff]

Hi, my daughter is also in Japan, we communicate each day, in ym. As of now the families of the militaries are getting ready to go back to the States. My daughter said they work 7 days a week. I'm sure your son is very busy...

[Kim]

I hear you Arwen.  My son never communicated the whole time growing up.  He just does his own thing and doesn't see the need to talk to others.

We have skype but I can't get him to use it.  He lives off base without internet and he doesn't feel like carrying his laptop to base to set it up.  He bought a phone, but he got the $10.00 a month for local calls only.

He used to go to the USO once in a while, they have free phone calls to the U.S.A.  It has been 2 years since he has phoned me.  He emails.  More if he is bored or wants something.

When I haven't gotten an email for a month,  I email him several times a day telling him I am worried.  He emails right away when he knows I am upset.  Like after Mothers Day and my birthday.  lol.

The best solution is to find girls.  Find other moms of girls on his ship and the best is when he gets a girlfriend.  I have Jonathan's girlfriends email.  She answers right away.

[Arwen]

That's the thing, he communicated very well until he went to Japan. Then it was like he dropped off the face of the Earth. The worst part is reading the official Navy press releases that say that his ship is in port. I know he's in a place where he can call, and he doesn't.

 

I'm not so much worried about him as a bit hurt that he has left us behind so quickly and thoroughly. I want to hear about his adventures, his achievements, even his stumbles.

 

The last time I talked to him he admitted he isn't even opening the mail I send. One letter he said he opened, he also said he never bothered reading to the end (got distracted and never got back to it). That really hurts.

[Ang..]

Arwen, when my son got to Japan I was getting calls literally daily, then once a  wk and so on.. He told me he does not call or email because it makes him even more homesick, so I think they have the outta site outta mind attitude?  Who knows, but before I started coming on this site regularly I thought I was the only mother with this problem. I was a bit embarrassed/sad/hurt  because it seemed that the other sailors kept in touch with home on a regular basis. Now that Im here ALOT I see that isnt so. But maybe it is just that he dont call home or communicate because it hurts him too much.?

Hey at least your a friend on his FB my son wont add me or anyone in the family.

[Theresa{SAILOR COLE'S MOM}]

I think they are all like that HOMESICK... but are trying to be Brave & be men....My son was the same way as alot of sailors I've been reading about...

 

[Lee Maye]

Wow, Jody. I am sorry for what you are going through. My Sailor is 22 almost his birthday, he is getting

better with the communication. As for your daughter, why don't you try the "hey, lets do something like

shopping or take a class together".

Kids can put more pain in your heart than a bullet. I know . . . been there, done that.

Don't give up.

Lee

[Linda (Seth's mom)]

My son usually calls when I email him about something like the computer isn't working or his friend is visiting or...or...I throw out the bait and then he calls,conveniently  he does have access to a phone, I think, because of the nature of his job.  But he does not email or write.  He must not realize how much it hurts you not to hear from him.  I know of other mothers who experience the heart ache of no communication.  And I may add, my son does not call a lot and there is always the security thing, but then again as Donna AKA hunter stated there isn't always a lot to talk about when he is in a ship all day, and they are very busy.  I send packages and check out his ship on FB and that helps.  take care.

[kristinj]

Arwen,

I recall (long ago!) when I went away to college. A new city, new friends, finally out on my own...and so much to do and experience! My parents were not foremost in my mind, if in mind at all. I had not forgotten them, but reveled in my new freedom, living in the moment.

 

When my daughter shipped out to Japan, I like you wanted to be a part of her new and exciting life, to share her new life with her. As no doubt my parents were when I left for college, I was to be disappointed. For some time I only heard from her when she needed me, which after all is what I am here for. I think men are even less likely to reach out for support from their parents. Society has taught them to be strong and independent.

 

I did, however, find an effective, if unconventional way to speak with and spend time with my daughter while she is in Japan. She loves computer games, and plays World of Warcraft. I now play the game with her on weekends when she has liberty. On good days, I can spend a few hours gaming with her while we chat on Skype. We really don't talk about all the things I want to know, but rather just ramble on about the game, with a few interspersed questions answered here and there. I let her take the lead.

 

I live for those weekend sessions, and know I am very lucky. But to get them, I had to meet my daughter on her terms, in a game.

 

Even though our sailors are grown up, they are still young and new to the world, and full of wild wonder at being free. I think we don't often make the list of what's most important right now. But keep at your son, push and prod, and don't give up!

 

 

[tesla was right]

Arwen and others--

mine too!  I have learned to 'troll' for him on email when he is in port--he checks his email in the morning before going to work and I get a brief "hi." he has learned to tolerate his mothers needs to see evidence of life.his brother is in Europe and traveled alone and checked in less often. must be the way mine are made.

it is harder when he is at sea. I try to observe OPSEC and not bother him. at first I didn't even know I could use his ship email--thought it was only for emergencies. now in this crisis, he says I can email but he often can't reply. translation: he likes to know other news than what he sees and appreciates our tag ups.

my sailor is a low maintenance self capable guy. he remembers when his sister went away from home she called (and still does) daily. he and his brothers couldn't figure out what the reason was. so I have learned that if he makes contact, its a bigger deal than I realize and I give him full attention.

I visited him and took bags full of socks, gifts, goodies I thought he would need, even a heavy coat. he grabbed the cheetos and beef jerky (never mentioned he liked them) I had bought in the US for the airplane. the gifts he didn't make a big deal about, but I have since seen the coat in photos and on fb some of the gifts have found homes with him or his friends. oh and he loaded me up with things he bought he didn't need he wanted me to bring home to family. classic.

I lean on moms here to hear and share what I know. I ask again what I can send/do/call and he says 'no thanks'

I will send care packages which he says he doesn't need. I ck his facebook and email pretty regularly for little clues. good news is, he sees that I do and he leaves a trail only his mom could recognize. I'm grateful.

Anyway, you're not alone. Its okay, I do think they worry about us and will ck in when they need to hear we're ok.

[Anti M]

My nephew is on a sub, so I get the occasional email, one one brief serendipitous FB chat when he was in port. He was just excited to tell me he'd been in a port where I'd been! I think we communicate more now that he's an adult and doesn't take me for granted as just an aunt; I'm a shipmate!

He doesn't want care packages because his mom sent him enough candy and jerky to last months. He uses it to hand out to his shipmates, but they all have too much gedunk sent to them too. LOL, an abundance of love. He does want magazines and such, because he can share those and he knows I have some pretty unusual reading material (Scientific American, Archaeology, Smithsonian and some scif mags). He says magazines full of "pretty women" wouldn't hurt either, but I think he's pulling my leg.

[Linda (Stephen's Mom)]

was just reading how I am not alone..my son rarely calls me. I only hear from him when he feels he has to call. I get he's really busy working and all. I know he talks to his friends but I don't find out anything. He comes home once a year maybe and in Japan with the time difference I can't even call him. Anyway I hope they are all okay. I know they have to be tired. I also hope they are being taken care of. The radiation scares me.