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Comment by TN Navy Mom (Stennis Nuke Mom) on October 26, 2010 at 5:35pm

NicksMom - I am fortunate to have my DIL. I raised 2 boys, have 1 hubby, and 2 male dogs, so I have lived in a sea of testosterone for years. Having another chick around is a blessing. She lost her mother at 11, has a nutty half sister and a distant half brother. We have really become her family BUT my son didn't make it easy. The loss of her own mother has made her more aware of how important parents are, even after adult children are married and live far away. She also realizes that it's not a contest for my son's attention and love, as long as we each love him and love and respect each other, we all win. I vowed not to be a wicked MIL (unless of course I had a wicked DIL).

Comment by mn linda (nuke MM ELT Groton CT) on October 26, 2010 at 4:27pm

congratulations BLW, that's awesome.

Comment by TN Navy Mom (Stennis Nuke Mom) on October 26, 2010 at 3:53pm

I'm pretty new at the whole MIL thing too. My sailor got married on 1/9 before leaving for bootcamp on 2/9. I was completely devastated when he and my now DIL got back together after 2-3 years apart. I lived the drama for 2 years and did NOT want to be back in it. I later realized that my dear son perpetuated the drama dumping his crap on me to save her feelings.

BUT his nature is to protect! She had no family to speak of and ours is very close. He didn't want her to be uncomfortable and in bending over backwards to please her, basically alienated those of us who lived with him, eventually he smothered her. It took two years apart and a whole lot of growing up for both of them. Only when he was out of the picture and in bootcamp, were we able to become really close.

Now, my DIL fusses at my son to call his parents. As she told him, his mom and dad were there long before she was and without us, she wouldn't have him. If he gets busy and forgets to call, she calls us, then hands him the phone. She even calls me to fuss about him. I just tell her that I've done my time, he's her problem now.

Mothers are funny, mine loves my hubby but would never ever ever tell him, because he took her little girl, my sister's in law took her sons. As much as I love my DIL, I was and always will be the first woman in my son's life. I am not replaced by my DIL, mama's can't be replaced, together my DIL and I love the same man.

Comment by amanda on October 26, 2010 at 2:42pm

no, my MIL will never replace my mother, but my family is a very tight-knit caring family. My grandmother treats my father as her own son, checks up on his well being and does what she can for him and that's what I'm looking for. my future MIL seemed so interested in my well being as well as me being interested in her. we'd talk about our days and when i was home from college we even planned (and went) to a movie. Then after BC that all stopped and honestly it hurt a little because she was such a support for me and I felt like I could support her too. Obviously there's a difference in a son-mom and boyfriend-girlfriend relationship but there's still some of the same feelings that can be shared as well as us working as a team to help him out and not have to deal with this drama either. Im hoping to be in his life for the rest of our lives, she can't just ignore me

Comment by BunkerQB on October 26, 2010 at 2:07pm

Amanda, you last statement worries me a bit. There is no way any MIL will be like your mother, who is special to you. On the flip side, it wouldn't be fair if Jacob wanted you mother to be like his. My son's gf's mother was a stay at home mom. I have been a high-octane sales person who until recently made big money. I told my son not to look for a woman who is like his mother but to appreciate his gf for what she can bring to the table and appreciate her mother for the decision she made to stay at home to take care of the kids. His gf didn't want him to join the Navy - she wanted to get married right out of college - so they broke up for a few years. He wanted her to have a career before marriage. Fast forward 3 years and they are back together. She has been teaching for 3 years and has a teacher's credential. She has really blossomed as a person. Their relationship is more mature, more balanced. He now wants her to learn to cook! I said, "Don't push it. Just do takeouts or use the salad bars and delis at most grocery stores." Men! Sometimes they are so clueless.

Comment by amanda on October 26, 2010 at 1:14pm

Ya, when Jacob left for bootcamp, his mom and I got really close and I would tell her mostly every detail from his letters (besides the more us type of stuff) and whenever he called in bc and couldn't get a hold of her, she was the first person i was trying to contact, even going as far as to call other people to find out her alternative numbers i didn't have. but then when we went to his graduation, she got really cold towards me only to find out later she thinks certain things of me that my boyfriend and i don't agree is correct or even fair. needless to say, its complicated but we're hoping to help her see who i really am, since the last 3+ years of our relationship don't seem to matter to her. it's all i've ever dreamed to have a MIL that's like my own mother.

Comment by Emily-aaronsgirl11 on October 26, 2010 at 12:07pm

My mom and I were just discussing this about my brother... I don't think the men understand that mom's need to know what's going on. And that they worry. Alan isn't a Nuke, and he's attached to a boat now, but mom is still lucky if she gets a call once a week. The biggies she gets are the I'll see you in three months, and they, hey we just pulled into port. I have this feeling it's a natural male thing..

I'm not even gonna talk about the relationship between Aaron's mom and I or the communication deal.

Comment by BunkerQB on October 26, 2010 at 11:26am

Amanda, thanks for the reminder. I would like to call his gf. My sailor is such a private person that I have to be careful; otherwise, he would accuse me of interfering. I am very happy he has found a great gal. They have been going together off and on for 7 years. I wish my son would pop the big question to his gf, then I would not hesitate to call her. I am pretty sure her family would be relieved since they are very fond of him and insisted that he stay with them for a few days last Xmas. Between that and the days they went off on their own, we only had 3-4 days with him. I invited her to stay with us even during those 3-4 days because I know they wanted to be together as much as possible. New moms, take note - even when he is home for 10-12 days - the parents don't always get all the days - we have to share.

Comment by TheRightThing on October 26, 2010 at 8:54am

And I think our sailors know that we are here when they need us.......with zero judgement....only praise for their devotion to the Navy and daily hard work. When they need our encouraging words, they will call or text. I figure that having a child in the Navy affects everyone at home.....but this is his "gig"....and we are here to support & encourage. It's hard not to know what's going on, but when we need to know, we will. Stay strong. Stay happy. Stay busy!

Comment by amanda on October 26, 2010 at 1:33am

while i'm not a mother, i would like to vent on something semi-related. My future mother-in-law has some of her own perceptions against me (a whole 'nother can of worms) but I wish she would know that I'm on her team! I can probably safely say her son doesn't call her much but my boyfriend and I talk at least once a day (even just briefly) so if she were to ever call and ask what he's up to, knowing he's stressed out to the max and has no time to breathe let alone go through his contacts and catch up, I would be more than happy to share what I know. And it would be a win for him since he won't have to share the same story twice. I just wanted to share this perspective. I think it's heartbreaking that you feel your sailors have (unintentionally i bet) excluded you from their lives. however, there might be other people in his life that you could tap into as a resource.

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