Do you ever feel....

[bella [mrs. ae2]]

Hey N4M,

 

So lately I feel like my marriage...or maybe just me, is in a rut. I feel like we are stangnet. Like everything is standing still and there is no movement anymore. We say the same old things and have the same fights and honestly, dont have much to say at all. I feel like we are just going through the motions of marriage but not indulging and living in those moments. My husband leaves on deployment in 2 months and I am honestly looking forward to it. Not because I want him to leave but because I am hoping when he gets back, that the sparks start flying again... Is that weird? Has anyone ever felt like this before? I find myself almost looking for things to fight about or to have an opinion about just so I can feel like he cares when he says sorry. I know how disfunctional that sounds and probably is. But I feel like I don't feel anything unless things blow up and then we say sorry and he holds me and lets me cry. I dont really know. I just wish someone would tell me what is normal in a marriage and how to fix this, if anything even needs fixing. Maybe its just me, he seems fine though, he doesnt seem distant or different in anyway. Am I just looking to deeply into things and over reacting? I just don't know what is up with me. Its like even with my friends, when we are all hanging out, it seems pointless and I just sit there and drown in my own thoughts.  I thought about going to counseling but I dont know... I just feel like everyone seems so happy and has it so good, and I just sit here and watch. And I dont know, my husband is such a good husband. He is such a nice, sweet, loving man and works so hard for me. But I feel like I dont really want any of that...I mean, I want my husband, he is my best friend, but I feel like it is getting to a point where he is just my best friend, like the romance is gone...I dont know, maybe I just need to find a way to stop thinking so much. Has anyone ever felt like this about their marriage? And how did you get through it and how long did it last? ...

 

Help? someone make me feel normal...

[bella [mrs. ae2]]

Thanks denise. I am going to give some of your advice a go. It's frustrating because it's like I know what I need to do to fix it but I just don't. I know that I bitch too much an I know it has to stop. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to be around myself and my self esteem is taking a toll, I just need to find a way to get out of this rut. Do you think I should talk to my husband about this and ask for his help? Or fake it till I make is sort of a thing?

[ebigirl]

Bella- What you are going through is very normal. I don't know how long you have been married, but marriage is not 24/7 fun and love. I agree with the other posts, and hope you don't spend the next 2 months miserable and "just waiting for him to leave". I have a feeling you will regret that big time once he's gone.

If you have a hard time starting a conversation or don't know where to start, just ask him how he's feeling about leaving in 2 months etc. Then you can tell him how your feeling, and together you can make each other feel better about his deployment. You both know it's going to happen, don't waste any more time wondering what he thinks, ask him.

Ebigirl

[Suzi-OH]

Aw, poor thing.....yes, all you are feeling is very normal. Time leading up to a deployment can be a rough period. We all deal with it differently. I was a Navy wife back about 20 years ago. Some guys would get totally shut off soon before leaving on a deployment. It is how they prepared themselves so they did not get too depressed when they leave their loved ones. Fights are normal.....emotions up and down are also normal.....actually, abnormal is normal, lol!

At least you aren't like me.....we found out I was pregnant the DAY BEFORE he left on a 7 month Persian Gulf tour in the late 80's. I was only 1 month pregnant. You have any idea how frazzeld nerves can be when a guy is returning from deployment and has an 8 month pregnant wife he is trying to move to Norfolk before she gives birth....but it was an adventure.

Just relax as much as you can and try to talk to your husband, but if he's not able to communicate enough for you, find someone else to talk to about your feelings. Trust me, getting it out is a big deal!

Much love and luck to you!

[Sunnyb]

Dear Bella..

I'm just new to this navy sight, and new to the whole Navy thing since my son is just now in boot camp. But not new working on a marriages and helping others to do the same. I am a counselor that helps women every day work on their feelings and emotions. All of the women above told you wonderful things that are very right, you ARE normal. And working on a marriage is just that, work! Just like our men know they must put oil, fuel and maintenance into a car to keep it running well, and we women know that a house is not going to take care of it's self, so we too must learn to put the time and energy & maintenance in to our marriage. We don't "feel" like doing the laundry some days, but yet, we must or we don't have clean clothes.. same with dishes, cleaning etc. But we do it because we have to, to our advantages in the end. So it is with our marriages, we must pour into them to keep them fueled and running well.  We don't always "feel" like saying the right things, watching our tongues, or being romantic. But there are times we must do nice things, and say nice things to pour into our husbands because in the end we want our marriages to be fueled..! See where I"m going! Yep.! it's work... and it is well worth every nice thing you do, even if you don't "feel" like it. So I would say, you answered your own question, you know that your complaining must stop.. that's a choice and a tough practice of the tongue.  And remember that "feelings" are just that.. FEELINGS.. feelings change, they go away, and they are not always the truth. Some days I don't "feel" like I like my husband.. but the truth IS, I love him! One of the best tips I have found in helping with what you are going through, is to get your focus off of yourself and your feelings and put it on him. Start doing very nice things for him.. like writing little notes, make him his favorite dinner, and mostly tell him what you LOVE about him... if you do that, even though you do not "feel" like it.. you will be putting fuel in his love tank.. and soon he will be pouring things back to you,.,,  because he wants to! I have told dozens of wives to do this very project, and each one came back to me with joyful stories of things their husbands did or said to them, that they never expected. I challenge you to be creative! I'm new to this sight, but your welcome to look me up anytime!  Blessings!

[bella [mrs. ae2]]

thanks sunnyb,

and congrats on your future sailor!