The husband, the dog, and finally feeling like home...

[bella [mrs. ae2]]

Hello N4M,

 

As for my last blog, I suppose it was a bit on the pessimist side.

 

Today, I am happy to say that things are finally falling into place here.  Being a military wife has finally become my new normal. And living here has finally become home.

 

Molly, my puppy, is doing much better. She is pretty much trained. With a lot of patiences, and a few sleepless nights I have finally been able house break her. Anyways, this is not about my dog.

Jake and I have been doing so well. After a rocky start of jumping into the roles of husband and wife, and who does what around the house, we are finally setteling into a semi normal routine, though with the Navy nothing is ever normal.  We are still having a bit of trouble with bills but with me working full time it deffinitly helps a lot.  But to be honest, I don't know if we are actually having trouble with bills or I just hate seeing our money leave as quickly as it comes. We always get by, so I guess that is a good thing.  Though things are going well with Jake and I, I do want to go to counseling. I feel like I need to talk to someone about my personal insecurities.

My husband has never given me a reason to not trust him or to be insecure, jealous or worry over him. But it seems as though everytime he wants to hang out with his friends, or do something without me, my feelings are imensly hurt.  I feel so left out and it causes unnessicary tension between us.  I feel like the Navy takes so much time away from us that when we can be together I want to spend every second by his side.  And the closer it gets to deployment, the worse I get. I try so hard to not let it get to me but it seems like it always blows up in my face. Can anyone relate to this feeling?  I really hope so because I feel like a crazy acting like this. I have never been this way but right before he left to boot camp I remember feeling like this and again lately.  Of course my husband understands this feeling and is senstive towards me about it. But I still do not feel like it is right for me to want to be with him every second of every day and night.  Want is not the right word. I feel like I NEED to be with him 24/7. That is not healthy and I know this. Yet I still find myself feeling this way. 

I do believe that I just need to talk to someone and be affirmed that what I am feeling is semi normal and some adivce on how to relieve those feelings in a more positive way. 

Anyways, all in all, things are holding over well at the Payne household.  I am actually excited to see what the future holds for us. 

I hope everyone and their sailors are doing well.

XOXO

Rachelle

[ebigirl]

Rachelle,

I have walked in your shoes, though not as a military wife. My husband was a police officer/detective for 16 years and we lived the same crazy schedule, shifts that you and Jake are going through now. We have been married for almost 22 years and have a 19 year old son leaving for b.c. next week.

You wrote that Jake has never given you any reason not to trust him. This is exactly how I feel/felt about my husband. In many ways the military and police work are the same. You will find that most of you and Jake's friends/spouses will be military. This happens in police and fire work as well. People from the 9-5 work world have no clue what it's like to work shift work, work both days and nights in one week, or try to sleep during "normal" hours. There is nothing "normal" about the work our spouses have chosen. We just have to go with the flow.

People would ask me how I could possibly be married to a cop. Wasn't I worried about him and his safety all the time? My response was always, "I would rather be married to someone who loves and is passionate about their job, and looks forward to going to work everyday". Yes, I worried about his safety, but I couldn't dwell on it on a day to day basis. I would have driven myself crazy. I knew he was very well trained and did not take chances when on the streets.

Like you, he never gave me any reason to not trust him. If you don't have trust in a marriage, you have nothing. What you're feeling is normal and will take some time to adjust to. Heck, my husband "retired" from police work 5 years ago and I'm still not used to our "new normal". He now works those 9-5 "normal" hours, and has weekends and holidays off.

If you stick with the attitude that your excited to see what the future holds for the two of you, you will be just fine. Holidays and special occasions might not be celebrated on the actual day, but you'll work together to see what works for your family.

Good luck and thanks for your update. I enjoyed following your blog while Jake was in b.c. Keep me posted on how your doing!