How do you deal with less-than-supportive relatives?

[Arwen]

When I joined the Navy 20-some years ago, my mom wasn't thrilled, but was at least somewhat supportive.Now that my sons are joining (older son is in DEP and younger son is applying for NROTC), she's freaked out. She has called, texted and emailed her displeasure. My older son needed some paperwork at MEPS that he left at her house (he lived with her 300 miles from our home for a year while he attended junior college classes) and she refused to get it for him unless he promised to not take a job that might require that he kill someone. (I didn't bring up the fact that it might happen in ANY job, in self-defense.)

My mom watched my brother's best friend self-destruct while in the Navy a few years ago. Much of it was his own fault, not paying attention to what he needed to do, and part was the Navy screwing up his paperwork so that he was in holding for 6 months while the Navy worked the problem out. By the time the Navy got it together, he had turned into an alcoholic, had a horrible attitude and was separated with an other-than-honorable discharge. She decided it was all the Navy's fault.

I think there is also the factor that there is a war with two active fronts (or is it two wars?) going on right now, when I was in we had Glasnost - the end of the Cold War.

So my mom is freaked out, if I even mention my son's activities in DEP, or his joining, she freaks out. When I mentioned that my younger son was applying for NROTC she freaked again and hung up on me with "You KNOW how much I hate the military." Her health is not good, which probably has a lot to do with her emotional stability regarding this issue. As I said, she didn't used to be like this. She is hurting herself AND my sons at this point. The boys know about her, ahem, quirks, but this upsets everyone.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of situation? How do you balance "grandma's love" with "grandma is freaked out"?

[lauren*nikosmom]

I'm not sure if your mother in law is born and raised in the US....
My in laws are from Greece. In a lot of other cultures, serving in the military does not have the pride and honor in serving as our military. We have an all volunteer military and the love for our country is second to none. In a lot of foreign countries ( and I know this to be true in Greece) the citizens must serve in the armed forces. A lot of the older generation from other countries have been exposed to wars and conflicts in their own homelands, which we have not. Also, they feel that joining the military is not as good as going to college. This may be a big part of the reason why my own in laws felt that my son was making a mistake in joining the Navy. They are afraid and to be honest, I understand their fears. They saw their homeland torn apart by German forces during WWII. When they came to this country, they wanted a better life for their kids and now, grandchildren. My son waited 3 weeks after enlisting to let them know. As the first grandson, they had dreams of him going straight into college and they felt that if he was joining right out of high school, this would never happen. Even my husband who himself is a USN veteran, at first never felt totally supported in his decision to join but he stayed steadfast in his decision no matter how they tried to talk him out of it. After they saw him PIR, they were so proud. They could see that his decision to join was a good decision. My point is this, if you feel pride and happiness with your son's decision, that's all that matters. It would be nice to have the entire families support and that may never happen. Hopefully, over time your mother in law will come to see what a good decision your son made. Maybe he can write to her about the positive things that he's experiencing from joining. Eventually, she will have to come to terms with her feelings on this. No matter what positive things you can try and say, her mind is made up right now. Just pray that she will find peace on this issue. All you can do is love and support your son.

[BethB]

I can kind of see both sides of this problem. When my son told me of his plans to enlist, I could have chewed nails in half I was so livid. It's not because of the potential dangers because statistically he stood more of a chance to be killed by a drunk driver than in compat. It's not because of him having to kill someone else as part of his job since if anyone were to attack or threaten my kids I would not hesitate to do whatever means necessary to protect them. I'm old enough to remember Viet Nam and most of my friends from that era suffere even today with mental and physical problems. There's a log family history of careers in the Air Force, and I've experienced the fears of them being in combat and wondering how they are doing. I've seen the deployments tear families apart first hand, and have seen the domestic violence that sometimes occurs when men (and women) are trained in a rather violent career, where yelling out commands, and the demand that those commands be acted on immediately without question cause stress in relationships.
That being said, I remained as supportive as I could about his individual decision. Even though I may not necessarily support the bureaucracy driving the agendas all the time, nor some of the methods employed, I have come to realize a lot of things:
1. I fully and totally support each individual sailor/soldier in their choice to defend my rights and those of our allies. They are the ones making the sacrifices and deserve nothing less than my gratittude and appreciation.
2. Even though the political agendas are not necessarily my personal views at times, these guys and gals that are doing the jobs that they signed on to do, following their orders, are not politically driven and should not be taking the brunt from the public in any way for that. They should be honored for protecting my right to voice my displeasure with governmental decisions or representatives.
3. They should be able to wear their uniform with pride and never face the jeers and scorn like those from the Viet Nam era experienced. I will always thank the uniformed serviceman.woman for the service they provide when I see them in public places, just so they know that the complete strangers that they protect acknowledge that service.
4. No matter how difficult we perceive the training to be, and how we may not see it as "fair", it is absolutely necessary to give our troops the best advantage that we can, since the enemies they may face some day do not hold dear the same ethics that we do, nor do they always play by the same rules. We can not tie our troops hands behind their backs, or give them "rubber band guns" to protect themselves and others from the evils that are out there.
It's hard enough to carry the responsibilities that are placed on such young shoulders as it is, and there are times when family support is the best "medicine" to keep morale up, and to keep doing the best that they can.
Tell your grandmother that she needs to look at the bigger picture. Tell her to think long and hard about what she does and says, and not cause more pain and distractions that may at some time jeopordize the safety and well-being of her grandson. He needs to have people believe in him so that he will have the confidence to believe in himself, and the decision and actions that he will face. Mostly, tell her to give him her love. If she can't find anything positive to say about this, tell her just to stop the negative arguing, and instead reply to anything that is asked with "I love you" and leave it at that.
Thanks to all here who have served, and my thoughts are with all of us here on the homefront who are supporting our troops as best we can.

[SueS (ABF Mom)]

"Hear Hear"

[jaye lynn (Ship 12, Div. 377)]

You need to set boundaries with grandma - Big Time. When you talk with her next time, if she goes off, you will just need to tell her "I am sorry you feel that way, but this is the decision that my son has decided to make for his future. His father and I support him 100% in his decision. I would appreciate it if you would not make disparaging remarks regarding his choice to our family. If you (grandma) continue to make disparaging remarks, I will need to hang up the phone". If she continues, you will need to very nicely, but firmly, tell her good bye and hang up. The next time you talk with you, and it happens again, you will need to do the same thing. Its that old lovely role reversal we always hear about....Where the parent becomes the child. You can add to your conversation that she needs to discontinue her negative texts/emails otherwise they will be deleted without being read.

This is not going to be easy, but eventually she will realize that the only person she is really hurting is herself. You can have conversations with her on completely different subjects, but if the navy comes up, go right back into your story line, "I am sorry you feel this way,,,,,I would appreciate if you didn't make disparaging remarks, etc. etc." You can even print it out and keep it by your phone or in your car, or wherever you may be when she calls you can just go into the same line. Best of luck!

[KelliB]

Arwen, You've gotten some great comments and advice on this issue with your mom. It all sounds really easy. I don't know about the rest of you, but I was raised to "respect my elders" and I mean "do not talk back". That makes it extremely difficult to stand up to one's parents. But, as all the great comments have mentioned, there comes a time when it must be done. I especially liked the reply by Jeanna who was ready with her self-supporting responses. Not only would it cut off the agruments, but it showed that she had really thought this out; it wasn't a 'spur-of-the-moment' decision. Good luck with your mom and give your sons all our best wishes on their futures.

[maryann897, Ship 14/Div 274]

My mother hates that my daughter is in the DEP. I'm to blame, and so is my cousin, who just retired from the Navy. We apparently talked her into joining. Mom is learning to deal with it for now, but God forbid if anything happens, it'll be my fault. Instead of focusing what could happen, I am focusing on what will happen. My daughter has the opportunity to follow her dream before other things in life get in the way. Speaking from experience, I don't want my daughter missing her chance like I did when I was her age. She wants to be in the air division, become an officer, and learn to be a fighter pilot. Who has the right to deny her the freedom that comes with being born in America? Not my mother and not yours.

[TexasDocMom]

Susan, I think your daughter was very lucky to have her grandfather treat her like an adult and tell her what life is like in the military, it was a blessing. She walked into that situation with her eyes wide open, and if she realizes he was right, it doesn't really change anything. She knows he cared enough to be honest with her and tell like it is and still support her in her decision. She'll always remember that talk and appreciate and love him for trusting her as an adult. I'm sure she knows her health issues are an exception that neither of them expected and that her struggles now are different than what he presented to her. She also knows she has his support...that's important.

I just don't see it as "seeds of doubt"..I see it as trust and love and honesty from one adult to another. If my grandson or granddaughter decides to enlist I pray that my son and my son-in-law, both Iraq war vets from two separate Iraq wars, will have that same trust in them to share their experiences and offer them their stories to them, and that my grandkids will listen and do like your daughter did...make his/her own decision about his/her life.

[SueS (ABF Mom)]

SusanH~ The flip side of this that is if she decides to stay... she will have known that her beloved grandpa told her he supported her. There is not a "right or wrong" and I think she will be better for it. I hope that this message isn't to "presumptive" but I wanted to let you know that even when seeds of doubt are planted they can grow to a good thing. Hope this helps.

[JeffInSanJose]

I'm more worried about the impact on the kids. Grandma is a grown woman, and she's had her opportunity to live her life. It's more important that your kids feel loved and supported, and they don't allow her to destroy their own self-confidence.

Through all of this, please focus more on your boys. Help them understand that their grandmother is giving a purely emotional response because she loves them, and doesn't know how else to demonstrate that she worries for them. The danger is that if they feel that there's no support at home (and Grandma is a big influencer in that perception), then they'll have a terrible time adjusting to anything... instead, help them to understand that Granda's freak-out is her way of dealing with an emotional situation where she doesn't feel she has any control.
The best way for them to react is for THEM to take charge of the relationship with her. They should obviously respond to her with all the reasons that the service is a good idea, that it fulfills their visions for themselves, etc. But at the same time, help them understand that it's impossible to deal in rational terms with an emotional response - if she's going to freak, then she's going to freak, and no amount of logic will prevent it. If they recognize that it's her way of dealing, and that they're unlikely to change her mind, then they'll likely have a better time dealing with her. And if she someday does come around, then they're more likely to be willing to welcome her back into their lives.
And that's the saddest part - her behavior could well destroy her relationship with her grandkids, and she'll be the big loser in this scenario. It's too bad that she doesn't / won't understand this.
Good luck. And whatever happens, just make sure your sons understand the whole time that they have 100% of your support.

[Suzanne]

I gotta side with JeffinSanJose on this one. Your sons are adults. Let them deal with Granny. When Granny tries to draw you into the "drama", simply let her know that you support your sons and no amount of discussion will change that so move on to the next topic. If she continues to discuss the subject, YOU move on. As in out of the door, off the phone, or whatever. Granny continues this behavior because everyone around her allows it. Setting boundries isn't about not loving someone, its about respecting yourself. Is it hard? OMG - yes! But it gets easier with practice... You can do it!

[Pooky]

Grandma will find out in a very short time, she either at least pretends to accept your son's decision, or she will find that she is totally out of his life. Kids may have to live with the attitudes of Mom and Dad, but when on their own, she will find that Grandma is now way down the list, behind the Navy, all the people he works with, females, any activity outside he is into, parents, and on and on. If she wants to continue this relationship, she will cool it now. My family has not been part of my life for a long time, until just recently. They truly missed out on a great deal of my life and my son's life. It is her choice.