Where do you find the strength????

[skell456 (AO wife)]

My husband joined the Navy 7 months ago.  It is now time for him to leave for bootcamp. In two weeks.  I thought I had this.  I have been so supportive and excited, but now that the time is closer than before I am losing my grip.  We have a 3 year old son and have been together for almost 6 years.  We have almost never been apart during this time.  I cry almost everyday I feel like I cannot control it.  I do not know if I can do this.  I must admit that I have begged him to stay, but he refuses.  I understand why he has done so well with the DEP program and is very excited himself.  We have not fought over the situation I just turn into mush.  I fear so many things we talked with a someone who was in for 6 years also married.  He told us all this crap about what they do over seas with woman and drugs.  I was totally freaked out.  Although I believe I do not have to worry about this I guess one never knows.  I just need to find the strength to move forward.  I am just so scared that this is going to change who we are.  I love who we are as a couple and as individuals.  We just fit together so well.  I need some advice in a big way.  I am so so so scared.  Not too mention how I am going to explain all this to our son.  Please help!!!

[Craig]

skell - I usually hate being the 1st to post, since I'm a guy, but this time I will.  The reason is I know the Navy, I retired from it.  I totally understand a wife being scared about the unknowns, which, thank God you're here at N4M to hear the the true story. 

Let me talk about the bad thing 1st, so I can end this on a positive note.  Yes, sailors can chase women overseas, heck, anyone can find a crack whore here in the U.S. too, the point is chasing women has NOTHING to do as part of the equation.  If some guy would do it overseas, then they could have done it in the states just as easy. 

As far as drugs, yes, there are sooo many drugs overseas, and yes a sailor could do them.  However, the Navy is really good with drug detection and will find out if you do drugs.  Yes, it may take some time, but you're always caught.  Why would a person want to wait till they get overseas, heck, the U.S. drug market is just as bad.  Heck we can't even keep drugs out of prison.  So, this is not part of the equation either.  The Navy is 99.9999% against recreation drug use (yes, there is one exception but it is extremely rare).  If you fall into the 99.9999% category it is a MANDITORY discharge.  

Now the good part.  Why not turn those fear tears, in tears of joy? Just curious, what do you fear?  This is what I want you to think about,  unless he or you have an excellent job, then you are better being a Navy family.  Lets compare some of the benefits your family will get.   

Medical - man, medical cost most families $5K or more per year. Then they have to pay dedectable. You pay nothing in the Navy.

Dental - You and your family are free, how much do you pay now for this?
BAS (Food allowance) - Yep, yet again we get paid extra for food. Does his company pay him for food?

BAH (Housing allowance) - You will get BAH (Housing), my son make $3000 per month in Hawaii for housing. That's $36K per year.  Does his company pay for housing?
Gym - Our gyms are state of the art. They are awesome. We don't pay for them.
Vision - Yep free vision
30 days of vacation - Does his company let him earn 30 days vacation a year? Granted, because of manning we can't take the entire 30 days at once, but alot of times we can.   
Career Sea Pay - More money again that people fail to take into consideration.
Clothing Maintenance Allowance - Do civilian companies pay for your uniforms? Nope....
Governement subsidized grocery store (commissary) - Our grocery stores are non-profit. We get things extremely cheap. 1 Gallon of milk in Hawaii in the economy = $11, and at the commissary $2.
Extremely cheap life insurance ($20 for $200K worth of coverage)
Legal (notaries, advise) - Free
Tax free shopping (Exchange)
Annual Cost of Living adjustments (~3.5%)
Moving expenses
You can retire at age 38.... Get paid $1800mo for life
Burial for life for you and spouse ($10K x 2), plus children (if under 21)
VA home loans

 

Just wanted to give you an idea of some of the things to think about.  We sailors actually have it made.  Don't fool yourself.  
 

[BunkerQB]

Jesus! I better writ my Senator and Congressmen - no wonder our country is going bankrupt. We can't afford it anymore. Just kidding - I am happy to pay taxes to make sure our guys are taken care of.

@skell468 if you are successful in keeping your husband from joining the Navy, you will make somebody very happy in your local recruiting area because whoever is next in line will be delighted to step right up.  It could be a wife of another RC thinking, "Thank God for skell468 - yippy!"  don't expect anyone to compliment you, unless they didn't want your family to take this opportunity to make a better life for your family - there are always people who like to pull others down.

Sooooo - chin up, dry those tear, start making yourself look fabulous and sexy - have a wonderful time before he leaves - and in no time, you'll be with him when he gets his permanent station. It'll all work out. Many have gone through this and will continue to do it in the future - you can too.

[Fur&FeathersDVM]

I was scared and nervous before my husband left for officer candidate school. I felt like I had no idea what I was getting into (we weren't married at the time but were engaged). Joining the navy was the best thing that could have happened to us. I too heard the "horror stories" about the things that happen overseas (from many of my husband's friends who were in) but you know what- I am secure in my marriage and I don't worry about it. My husband tells me what happens. Like Craig said- that stuff exists in America too! A bunch of hubby's shipmates went to a strip club in Florida and one of them got into some trouble. It can happen to anyone, not just sailors! Being in the navy doesn't mean that your husband is going to change into some unfaithful guy who doesn't love you anymore. If a person is going to cheat, it's not because they're a sailor, it's because that's who they are- and it sounds like you know your husband and he's not like that! Don't let people who've experienced bad things tell you otherwise.

My advice is to find something that you enjoy doing by yourself that will bring you joy while your husband is gone. You said you have a son and focusing on him may help, or if you have a special hobby or a career or something you want to pursue. My passion is veterinary medicine and I'm in school for it right now- to be honest when my husband is out to sea while I of course miss him most days I'm so busy that I don't even really think about it until the end of the day when I have a minute to myself. I like it better that way! My husband doesn't have to worry about me because he knows I'm doing something that I love. Write letters to him often- there's just something very romantic about a handwritten letter. Even though now that he's on a ship my husband has email which is much quicker we still write all the time because it's more personal than words on a computer screen. And remind yourself that your husband is doing this for not only you and your son and your future, but for his country. He's doing an important job! Like Craig said, you will have so many benefits not found in the civilian world- and like BunkerQB said, there are tons of people wanting to join up (probably for that very reason!) You will get to meet so many wonderful people on your navy journey and the navy community is very supportive.

I think it's also to take it one day at a time- it can be overwhelming to think about things in the long term. I had days where I didn't think I could do it before we started, but we survived not only training but deployment and underways and living apart and you know what- we're doing just fine :). It just makes you appreciate the time you have together so much more!

 

If it makes you feel better- our old CO's wife who's husband has 26 years in the navy once confided in me that when she first agreed to marry her husband, it was on the stipulation that he was going to get out of the navy (he had three years in at the time, and was all set to get out once his commitment was up). I don't know exactly what happened, but somehow he ended up not getting out and now she's been a navy wife for 23 years and LOVES it- she wouldn't have it any other way! Once she really gave the navy a chance, she grew to love it and appreciate what a wonderful life it is! Give the navy a chance and remind yourself that the separation isn't forever- the days might seem like they pass slowly but before you know it, your husband will be a sailor and you'll be extremely proud of him! Good luck to you and your family :) You CAN do it!!

[skell456 (AO wife)]

Wow thank you guys so much believe it or not I feel better a lot better!
I am also thankful I found this site.  I do not know how I would make from day to day!  You guys are the best!
I have read about all the benefits but then I read other things that do not add up like them having to pay for their own food and so on I guess I will not know till we live it.

[Craig]

skell - Yes, you get BAS for food, but you also have to pay for the food when you eat at galley.  So, let say you a single guy, you earn $325.04 per month.  Now if you eat at the galley, yes you will pay, but it's not expensive at all.  So If I give you $325, and you decide to spend $325, then you haven't used any of your own earned money (basic pay). 

You being married, you use most of that money to buy groceries.  Make him a sub sandwich for lunch, or let him go to the galley with "the guys".  You still have alot of money left over.  Again, in the civilian world do they pay you for food?  Nope... 

To most civilians, we Navy guys look like we are poor.  Why?  Because on our taxes we don't show that we make much $$$$ because most of our benefits are tax free.  Let's say housing allowance, we don't pay taxes on the $36K housing benefit (in Hawaii), but if you were a civilain, that $36K would be taxed.  Heck if I could get all of my pay in benefits, and yet show I only make $9K per year, I'd be jumping with joy....  Screw the taxman, show as little as possible, and reap the benefits instead....

Here is some of the 2011 pay charts... 

 

http://www.navytimes.com/money/pay_charts/

[aveoamare(Ship02div925)]

Skell, I started tearing up reading your post!  my husband is starting week 3 in boot camp today, and my fears about the navy were so overwhelming...some of them still are.  I'm scared he's going to come back completely anal about cleaning (I'm not a very good house cleaner)  I'm scared he's going to grow out of me, and yes, I was scared about the women overseas.  BUT he made this choice to join the navy for our family.  We have a young son and his job wasn't getting us anywhere. 

 

There are many of us navy wives out there, each with fears, but its all for the best.  We need to be strong women.  I cried and cried when he first left, but it gets easier. 

[skell456 (AO wife)]

Thank you.  I'm not a very good house keeper either lol.  He is worse than I am so this should be interesting....  We are in the same position.  He couldn't even find a job after getting laid off.  It has been really rough.  He leaves in 4 days now and I am trying to stay strong.  I could not imagine my life without him if he ever outgrew me I think I would just die.  I mean I know I could move on, but a huge part of me would go with him that is for sure.  He has been my whole world my everything.  I am just lost!!!!  I hope it will get easier as the time passes.  How is your son doing with him gone.  That above all is my biggest fear.  My son adores his dad I am not sure how he will handle all of this.

[camenae]

Skell, my husband has a 3 year old son with an ex girlfriend. When my husband left for bootcamp, his ex and I talked on Facebook and I asked if she had been talking to their son about Daddy not being there. She said she had not because she didn't know what to say. Before he left what I did when he was at work was tell his son that Daddy was at work making money. He accepted that with no other questions so when she said that I told her to just tell him Daddy was at work. That seems to have worked out great. It's hard to explain to a three year old what his Daddy is doing. The last time I had my stepson I explained to him that he would be seeing Daddy soon and he seemed happy about that.