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Comment by TexasDocMom on December 8, 2013 at 11:30pm

Julieb, it's heartbreaking to read your post, I know it's very tough for you to not have your son home for the holiday. Is there anyway you can go to him? 

We'll be here! and we always listen, you won't be alone during this time...

Jerseysusan, hug that sailor for us all!

Comment by julieb1019 on December 8, 2013 at 9:03pm

Hi everyone. I need to come back as my son prepares  for a 2014 deployment.  He tells me very little about what he is doing and it sounds very scary to me. He is away on training right now.  What is hard for me right now is that he is missing his 3rd Christmas at home this year. He could have come home but seems to have chosen not to come.  He tells me that the goodbyes are too heart wrenching even if the visit is amazing. I already know that he can't be home next year.  He now lives off base which I think helps his morale most of the time.  He still feels down  quite often. That is hard too and I do my best to inspire hope for his future and comfort him.  One thing that I think about with my single son is that I am probably the last person to give him a hug before I left him last summer. Things can feel lonely sometimes even when we are surrounded by people who care. I always appreciate knowing that everyone cares here and really understands how we feel.  Thanks for listening.

Comment by JerseySusan on December 7, 2013 at 11:05pm

Reading all of the hear warming posts. I too have been quiet. Our oldest son's sub "finally" pulled into his base today to stay for a while. He was deployed out to sea from Dec-Jul, however, since they came back in Jul, he squeezed his wedding in with little time off & they have been out to sea "several" times, being out for weeks at a time. Our youngest will be deploying to Africa very soon. We had a beautiful Thanksgiving in our home with him & our daughters family. I feel some of that anxiety creeping up again from when he was in Afgh last year. I'm keeping a tight reign on my emotions through the holidays knowing just how grateful we are to have him with us for Christmas & to cherish every moment with him. 

Comment by Curleytop on December 7, 2013 at 8:38pm

I hate war also.  I hate what it does to our soldiers and what it does to our families.  It seems when the soldier goes to war, the whole family goes to war.  My son had problems with anger before he left.  Can't image what he will deal with when he returns.

My oldest son is now thinking of enlisting.  I think it is because he had graduated college and is having a hard time finding a job.  To me the military is a calling.  I don't what him to join for the wrong reasons.

Comment by TexasDocMom on December 7, 2013 at 1:23pm

Susan, there is help for your son now...the VA has help there. Take a look at the web sites listed above and check them out. I know a young man who is going to our community college and attends the PE parts at the gym where I work. He was telling me some stuff and I spoke with my son about it. My son said to tell him to go to the VA and just tell them he needs help. Helping our young vets adjust to civilian life again and helping them deal with PTS is a big focus now.

I think if my son had not been so in love at them time, and had not enrolled in school where he has become very involved with the Student Vet organization, he would have thought of re-enlisting. He misses his buddies, the camaraderie , the team work . The young man I met at the gym went into the Army at 18 and was in Afghanistan 2 months after basic training. He deployed a total of 5 times, got out, drifted from job to job and now is in college working on his degree. He said he should have gone into school straight away, meeting other vets, and new people really helped him out. 

Please tell your sons and daughters....it takes a strong person to reach out for help, get that help and then turn around and put that hand out to another vet struggling. They can do  it, and they are not the only ones doing it, they are not alone.

I had a couple of long conversations with that vet at the gym. I told him my son said "nothing traumatic happened to me, Mom" and I was pretty emotional when the words came out. He reached over the desk and took my hand and said "you have a good son". I told him that I am 65 years old, and I have Vietnam vet friends who are just now getting the help they need. I told him he cannot wait that long, he can't live his life that way, he can't do that to his wife and family. 

I told him about my son making sure I locked the door each time he leaves, once coming back in from his car because he didn't see the big door had been shut.The vet told me that at night, when he and his wife are in bed, he lays there knowing that the door is "closed tight" and he knows his wife locked it. And he cannot stop thinking about it, he waits until she is asleep and gets up to check them all again. They have no children, makes me wonder what he thinks about his ability to be a good father after 5 deployments.

I hate war. I hate our fathers having gone to war, my generation in Vietnam, and now our children again in war zones. I hate war. 

Comment by Much Trouble on December 5, 2013 at 8:43pm

TNM... Beautifully said...I hope you come back when your son leaves again.  We will be here and we will leave the light on for you!

Comment by Much Trouble on December 5, 2013 at 8:35pm

Curleytop...I am here because it is my way to try to repay the Moms who reached out to me when I was paralyzed with fear.  The strange thing I found was that it DID get better...then I would relapse.  I practically lived on this site...and never once did I hear that my feelings were "wrong" or that I should get over it.  You never get over it...you just learn to live through it!!!  Something I found especially odd was when my son's time over there was short, I went back into panic mode again.  It was as though things had gone too well for us and I was going to be hit with something terrible before it was over.  Imagine my relief when I finally talked about it and discovered some of the other mothers felt the same way.  (At least I knew that if I was crazy, I was in good company.  lol)  As TDM said, you are NOT alone...We may be past the danger, but we will never forget those feelings!

Comment by Curleytop on December 5, 2013 at 8:04pm

Thanks, TDM and Much Trouble.  I guess I don't really know what to say sometimes because all this is so new.  This is my son's first deployment and I really don't know what is normal.  It is so difficult to explain.  I feel numb most of the time, just going to work and getting through each day because each day brings me closer to his coming home. I do not think of myself as sad, but I am not happy either.  It is an odd feeling.   I know I can't say much about what he is doing but is strange to think his days are my nights and visa versa.  I wake up at odd times and pray for him and his unit, knowing they are busy doing something.  Then when I am awake, I pray they are resting well.  Like I said,  I guess it the holiday season that is affecting me.  It is usually when families are together.  What sacrifices our military families have made.  I just keep telling myself that others have strived this and much more, so I can too.  It is just that some moments seem almost unbearable.  But all things do pass.  I have to remember that.  Thanks so much for being here.

Comment by TexasDocMom on December 5, 2013 at 6:50pm

Curleytop....like MT says, as strange as it seems, when you are having those tough days, when the tears won't stop, this is where you come to, sweetie. We're here, you are not alone. Please remember that...I well remember that fear, it just consumes you, I know. I am smiling in this photo because it was taken AFTER my son came  home from Iraq! My son is out now, working on his degree, moving on with his life...still over protective of me, but if that makes him happy,so be it. Your son will be like that as well, this will be behind him and he will move with his life. Up in the discussions are there is a post from my blog, written when my son was deployed...I bet  you read it and recognize my feelings there. We know. We're here. You are not alone.

Comment by Much Trouble on December 5, 2013 at 3:45pm

Curleytop...I can't imagine what you think the purpose of this group is!  If we can be cheerful, fine...that is great to share.  But the MAIN purpose is to keep from falling apart.  Who do you talk to about all your fears?  I have found that the "outsiders" I know, no matter how well-meaning they were, didn't have a clue about this situation!  This is the one place you can come to rant, rave, and cry.  We have all had the need, and you are among people who understand!  (When you get THAT out of your system, you can go back to being cheerful again...and it will be a whole lot easier.)  Good luck, Sweetie...and don't apologize for being "normal"!

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